Thursday, May 24, 2007

Robert Goulet Named New Director of Michigan Marching Band!


After the Rose Bowl, Jamie Nix announced his departure from The Michigan Marching band family. Many fans of the band will be sad to see him leave after an excellent tenure leading the band across the field and in the stands. For a while, it appeared that Scott Boerma would be the new director. However, tonight the Regents decided to go in a different direction and announced a surprising choice - one of America's most beloved lounge singers: Robert Goulet.

"I really think I'll be a good fit here," smarmed Goulet in a silky-smooth baritone. "I'm going to take this band in a new direction. Sequins! Sparkles! GOOOOOULET! I've been working with a special lady named Las Vegas for the last twenty years, and believe you me, she's taught me a thing or two about entertainment."

Goulet made it clear that there would be some changes in the band's standard repertoire. "Sure, this band can blast, but can it croon? BA-BA DEEEEEEEE, BA-BA DOOOOOOOO! Get ready, Michigan fans. This old dog has some new tricks for this bunch of fine young marching rapscallions."

"First of all, I'm going to revamp that Hawiian War Chant song. It's just too unromantic! How are you supposed to hum that little number into your lover's ear over a candlelight dinner? You can't, I tell you! When I'm done spicing up that tune and the band plays the new version, all the ladies in the stadium will swoon and all the men will drip with machismo. SHE-BOP SHE-BANG SHE-BOOP BOOP BOOGIE! GOOOOOOULET!"

Hawaiian War Chant was not the only Michigan tradition facing change. "'Temptation', you ask? Why yes, I'm going to stop the band from playing that one all together and replace it with a zippy little diddy called "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window?" It's much much more appealing to the senior citizen crowd. Believe me, Goulet knows. I played for the blue-hairs almost exclusively in Sin City. Just think of all the cute hand motions those cheerleaders could do. BOW-WOW ZAPOWIE DIBITY BOP-BOP-BOP! GOOOOOULET!"

Look for Goulet to lead the band this coming season. That is of course, unless the Regents change their minds and decide to go with Boerma after all.



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