English Borrows Branch's Playbook Memorization Techniques To Teach New Defenders!

1 Large Linebacker Blitz Pizza.

There are a lot of questions facing the defense this year. Losing starters Leon Hall, Alan Branch, David Harris, Lamarr Woodley, and a host of others, Ron English has a formidable challenge ahead of him as he tries to prime a new class for terror on the defensive line. Luckily, Alan Branch is lending a helping hand by teaching Ron English his patented playbook memorization method.

"In the 2005 season, I just didn't know the playbook well enough. I just couldn't focus on learning all those X's and O's! I was always thinking about food." admitted Branch. "But before the 2006 season, I created a new method for learning all the plays so I could really become a difference maker. If you ask me, or any offensive lineman or quarterback I destroyed last year, it definitely worked."

The method? Two months before spring ball in 2006, Branch had Pizza House deliver specially-prepared pizzas to his dorm room with all the plays from the playbook every night. Each night, Branch ate the entire playbook twice. By the time the season rolled around, he had seen each play at least 20 times and had mentally mastered them all.

"Sure, I gained a few pounds, but you can't make an omlette without eating...I mean breaking some eggs." Rationalized Branch.

English seems on board with this plan and thinks he will use it to teach the incoming starters all their plays. "Hey, if this worked for Alan, it can work for the new guys," said English. "Let's eat!"

English's 2007 "Cutting Edge" Defensive Strategy Unveiled!

After watching the secondary get burned in big games against Ohio State and USC, Ron English sat down and reformulated his defensive strategy for the 2007 season.

"Well, Lloyd told me we had to cut down on the balls going over our heads, and we need to attack the quarterback more efficiently. I mean, we could recruit harder, practice more intensely, or upgrade the playbook, but I really think that giving our defense chainsaws is the fastest way to see results next year. When you see our guys next fall, you'll say it's the greatest thing you ever...saw!" (Oh Ron!)

Will the NCAA bigwigs allow Michigan defenders to carry these deadly power tools onto the field? "We'll see what the rules committee says," remarked English. "They've certainly agreed to other crazy rules within the last few years. Remember that one about starting the playclock right on the kickoff, or the one where they shorten the kicking tee, or how we're now kicking off from the 25 yard line instead of the 30? If they want to shorten the game and add more action, my chainsaw idea is right up their alley!" Said the coach while grinning proudly.

"If this works, I think we're really in the title hunt for next year," said English with a hopeful exuberance. "This will make defense so easy, maybe we could have kept Mundy around. Wait...nah."