Monday, July 2, 2007

There's a Good Reason Michigan Has No Mascot...

Well, guess what? Autumn Thunder is back on the streets again - way earlier than expected. I have found a way to mooch wireless internet off an unsuspecting neighbor. Thanks Netgear, whoever you are!

Ever wonder why the Wolverines have no mascot? When I first got into college football, I always couldn't understand why Michigan was mascot-less. for the last 6 years I had no definitive answer for this question...until now. I have scoured the internets for a hot 5 minutes and found the key to the mystery. The answer, you ask? There is no way to make a Wolverine look good in mascot form. The images below are from an actual mascot making company that claims these models to be the "wolverine" product line. BEHOLD THE MASCOT MONSTROSITIES!

Seriously, what the hell is this thing? It looks like a midget made love to a grizzly bear, and the child of the grizzly bear and the midget did the nasty with some kind of beaver or woodchuck to create this abonination. And then, the beaver/woodchuck/bear/midget had sex with some kind of retarded fish-frog...NEXT!









This is supposed to be a wolverine? Um, no. If someone crossed a squirrel with Richard Karn and gave it an abnormally large cranium, this is what you'd get. NEXT!









What's the deal with this? Are they trying to pass off a raccoon a wolverine? I can almost hear the mascot company's executive board dreaming up this piece of crap. "Hey guys, let's just change the tail and put some claws on it! Nobody will know." Guess what? NEXT!











Did the mascot company think we all skipped "animal day" in elementary school? This is a skunk. Come on. Don't insult my intelligence and tell me a skunk is a wolverine. As Judge Judy once put it, "don't pee on my leg and try to tell me it's raining!" To make matters even worse, it's not even that good of a skunk. Somebody should light this piece of gar-bage on fire and rid the world of it.
















This is not a wolverine either. This thing looks like someone took an ewok from the Star Wars movies, gave it growth hormones, and subjected it to hours of Richard Simmons videos. I hate it. NEXT!











Another oversized ewok. I am neither fooled by the darker color nor amused by it's stupid exresssion. NEXT!












I know a wolverine when I see one. This ain't one. This is a wildcat, and it is a half-assed wildcat at that. Literally! It has no tail! Furthermore, a wolverine would never have a stupid grin on it's face. A wolverine's face always has a look like it's about to claw the crap out of your internal organs and then leave you for dead. NEXT!







There's no telling what this thing is. Is it a giant werewolf? Is it some sort of super powered mongoose? One thing's for sure. It's NOT a wolverine. NEXT!












Wow. Just looking at these things makes my eyes hurt. For fast acting, long lasting, and powerful relief, click here.

12 Comments:

Killing My Liver said...

If memory serves me, there was a mascot a couple years back, and it was horrible. I think it lasted one game. The colors were wrong, and it was just awful. I'll do some research ...

strikefirst said...

The only mascot worse than those is WKU's "Big Red". Which is supposed to represent a Kentucky hilltop of red dirt.

Horrible...I now need counciling.

I'd still rather have no mascot than a nut from a tree!

Killing My Liver said...

I love big red ... he's freakin great. And Slippy rock's "Keggy the keg"

Paul said...

The mascot that was there for a day was brought as a joke by either OSU or MSU... I can't remember which.

jason said...

It was a game at MSU, either the 2003 or 2005 game, I can't remember which one (if I had to guess, I'd go with 2003). Some MSU student had dressed as the requisite "wolverine" to combat Sparty, in a costume that had clearly been thrown together in about 15 minutes. Comments on the Mich boards were predictably surprised that ABC actually showed the pair tussling coming out of commercial. Some people who didn't know any better actually thought it was an official UM mascot!

Steve said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Steve said...

The only way to do the Wolverine justice is to do it the way we did in '27.

This is what we like to call home field advantage.

jessica said...

keggy the keg is not slippery rock, it's dartmouth. my brother was friends with the person who used to wear keggy.

oh the good old days of when we used to play slippery rock every season...

Christopher said...

Mascot for a day was at MSU, 2003, mascot provided by MSU.

When I was in student gov't at Michigan there was an attempt to have a mascot. Named "Willy the Wolverine," this was a cartoonish biped wolverine. It was quickly voted down and never heard from again.

Killing My Liver said...

My bad on the "Keggy". I'm personally glad we don't have a cartoonish representation of a wolverine. The helmet and the "Go Blue" banner are plenty. Now, if we could do something about the LPGA cheerleaders, I could die happy.

Christopher Ryder said...

Why not "The Cowbells"? The costumes would be easy to make, and could be loud.
I've always been entertained by the shapeless chicken parts of the Gamecocks "Cocky". He cracks me up. It's enough to make Gamecock tickets just to laugh at it.

joseph burrell said...

haha it is totally clear to me now, I was wondering why but after looking at this, I have no doubt now, and you should see the mascot of a bookmaking sports football team that I know

 

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