When looking at the forty-four inch guns on Sparty the Spartan, one can't help but think that he has a little extra "help" with maintaining his physique. This week, a bipartisan committee has confirmed that Sparty does indeed take anabolic steroids to enhance his performance as Michigan State's mascot.
"I know it's wrong," sobbed Sparty, "but I just can't help myself."
"I'm the only highly rated part of Michigan State athletics. Football is a joke, we haven't been a force on the court lately - but I'm always in contention for the mascot of the year! They needed me, dammit! THEY NEEDED ME! MAKE PLAYS!"
"It's such a bummer to hear this," said the Nittany Lion. "He's not only shaming his university, which was shameful to begin with - but he's giving a bad name to all the ridiculously over-muscular mascots out there who try really hard to keep fans happy and lift their team's spirits. It's a sad day out there for all of us."
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
So what does Michigan linebackers coach Steve Szabo think now that Michigan is done playing regular-season opponents who utilize the spread offense?
"We're happy about that. I call that communist football. I'm so tired of it. Good, red-blooded Americans snap the ball hand it to the guy and have a normal run game or pass game. It's not all that other stuff."
But Szabo did not stop there. In a rant that can only be described as McCarthy-esque, he went on about how Communism was ruining the world of college football.
"I'm sick of how this read-option or spread-offense bullcrap is making Goddamn commies out of our young men. This whole system of "each man contributing to the best of his ability" is total bunk. Whatever happened to the elitist quarterback getting all the credit and piggybacking off the work of his supporting cast? Now THAT'S capitalist football! What about the running back who rises up through the ranks, stepping all over the offensive lineman who blazed the trail for him? That's the spirit!"
Szabo further elaborated. "There are too many of these horrible Pinkos in the game today. Dennis Dixon and Jonathan Stewart? You can bet those punks read their Little Red Books every night. Steve Slaton? Pat White? I bet the wear bright red jock straps under their blue and gold down in West Virginia. You know who the worst is? Tim Tebow. I heard he reads The Daily Worker every day before practice and is forming a communist sect within the Gators. What is the world of college football coming to? It's un-American!"
Sunday, October 28, 2007
In my quest to read every book published about Michigan football, I picked up a copy of "What It Means To Be A Wolverine."
'Michigan's greatest players talk about Michigan football? Surely this book has to be sweet.' I thought to myself. The book was OK, but certainly not worth buying at full price.
There are a few notable names in this book, but there not very many high-quality anecdotes to make the book worth purchasing. It was interesting to read the stories of guys who played in the thirties and forties, but there was little substance for a reader to take with them after book was over.
In short, this book was like a sandwich from Zingerman's. It looks good, costs alot, but when you're done, you think 'I could have gotten something way better with the money I paid for this.'
Buy or pass? Pass. Mooch it off a friend or peruse it at the bookstore...but your personal Michigan football library will be fine with out this one.
Labels: Autumn Thunder Book Club
Autumn Thunder is excited to be the first to reveal an exclusive look at Ryan Mallett's playbook. It has been speculated that Mallett is only working with a limited portion of the offensive plays; but seeing that there are only four plays to choose from is quite disturbing. It seems that play number four was called several times on Saturday and executed to perfection.
In other important team news, David Cone has been appointed Ryan Mallett's official 2007 Fumble Caddy. He will now be in the backfield at all times when Mallett is under center, and one of the tight ends will stay off the field to compensate for the added position. Having a personal Fumble Caddy far outweighs the extra tight end, dontcha think?
I'm pleased to report that Autumn Thunder's first "Chug for the Jug" was a great success. All the members of the New York chapter of the AT fan club (read: Gary B.) were in attendance and we had a good ole time. Next year...3 people!
"Best Photoshop Ever. Sorry, Autumn Thunder."
I demand satisfaction! Herewith is my formal rebuttal: The sequel to Autumn Thunder's first "Mike Hart for Heisman" video highlight reel. BEHOLD!
Since Mike Hart has missed two games and is not making the SportsCenter highlight reels, I'm taking matters into my own hands. MIKE HART FOR HEISMAN!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Thanks to all the AT fans who emailed me and asked where I have been over the last few days. I'm OK, and I appreciate your concern!
I've been working on my greatest masterpiece yet to date. I shall unveil it on Sunday night, and if my dog's reaction is any barometer as to how good this is going to be, It will be worth the wait.
Monday, October 22, 2007
After Notre Dame's loss to USC this past weekend, Charlie Weis made a vow: all evidence of the Fighting Irish's 2007 season must be destroyed. This presents quite a challenge. There are countless newspapers covering the program, lots of video sources, and of course, the internet. This matters to nothing to Charlie Weis. He has a plan to get rid of the offending media:
Eat it. All of it.
"I've given athletic scholarships to Eater X and Takeru Kobayashi to help me with this cause," said Weis. "I just can't let any records of this horrible season exist for the rest of time. By the time the three of us are done chowing down, nobody will remember a thing about 2007 and what a crappy crappy job I did."
The addition of Eater X and Kobayashi will no doubt aid Weis in his quest to devour all the evidence of the catastrophic failure known as the 2007 season.
"Newspaper? I eat." Mumbled Kobayashi between munches on "The Irish Gazette." "Video tape? I eat. Computer with internet? I eat. "People who watch Notre Dame game and remember the score? I eat. Announcer who announce game on ESPN? I eat." Yes, he eat.
"I'm excited to be a part of the Notre Dame tradition." remarked Eater X. "I feel totally right at home with a bunch of other guys who are semi-famous for no apparent justifiable reason."
Autumn Thunder urges you to hide and protect all memorabilia from this season and treasure it forever.
As most of you know, The Pat Maloy Scholarship Auction is now open, and will be open for two more weeks. There is some sweet stuff in here! The holidays are coming up, and nothing says Merry Christmas, Happy Hannuka, Peaceful Ramadan, or Happy Kwanzaa better than Michigan memorabilia. Plus, you're supporting a great cause when you bid for these great items. Get some awesome Michigan gear and some good karma - go to the auction site, check things out, and make a bid or two.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
It's been no secret that many people have been unsatisfied with Bill Martin's somewhat lackadaisical efforts to renovate the badly aging Crisler Arena. For years, Martin has sidestepped the facility in order to work on other higher-profile projects such as Michigan Stadium's luxury boxes or the new football practice facility. But it appears that Martin has finally come to terms with the griping basketball fans and has a plan to renovate the building.
"Yo Yo Yo! Big Billy Dollaz is gonna REP-RE-SENT for Crisler Arena!" said Martin. "My peeps are saying that The Crise' is lookin' like a dankity-dank basement. Well I'm all over that. I'm going to take care of this singlehandly. Just Dollaz and his blood, sweat, and tears. I don't need any whack construction crews messing up my plans."
"I'm gonna make Crisler have a real collegiate feel to it. And by collegiate, I mean like a pimped-out collegiate dorm room. Roll with me on this. First of all, I'm gonna get rid of all the overhead lighting and replace it with a lava lamp. Shizzle! Can you imagine how sweet it will be to hoop it up under some pyschadelic mood lighting? But it will only be one lava lamp, because I need to save money for my other ideas."
"I'm also gonna hang up some fly-ass Christmas lights. You know how some well-placed Christmas lights can really get the good viiiiibes going! I'm gonna go all out on these babies and spare no expense. I'ma get the ones that twinkle, do the chase, and gradually dim in and out. Awwwwwwwww yeah. Can you see where I'm going with this? Combine the Christmas lights with the lava lamp, and I guarantee there will be lots of scoring in Crisler. This technique works wonders in frat houses, so I don't see any reason this classic combo can't bring magic to the court."
"I'm also gonna hang up some posters. You know, a few dorm-room classics. A beer poster here, a Three Stooges golfing poster there, an Animal House "College" poster on the ceiling held up with sticky tack, and I'll sprinkle around some various posters of hot women in skimpy outfits for good measure. Big Billy Dollaz will not let anyone down with the decor. What Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!"
The Cowbell Commander personally can't wait for these renovations to take place. The new look of Crisler Arena combined with Belein's new b-ball system is a guaranteed winner.
Autumn Thunder salutes you, Les Miles. Do you have to buy three seats when you travel by plane? Do you need assistants with forklifts to help you get in and out of your car? Oh to see you in the Maize and Blue... [Homer Simpson drool sound]...
Labels: Les Miles
Ok, so the Wolverines have survived Illinois. Now, they enter their most dangerous stretch of the year. Next week, they face Minnesota. This could be a big let-down game, especially after the hard-fought win over The Illini this week. After that, they head to Sparty, where Dantonio and his crew of cronies have multiple countdown clocks ticking down to the game. Then, our boys shuffle on over to Camp Randall, which is probably tied with Beaver Stadium as the second-toughest place to play in the Big 10.
Getting through these three games will not be easy. Do you guys think it will happen?
Labels: Road of Death
Remember Fire Marshall Bill, Jim Carey's breakout character on "In Living Color?" He would put himself in dangerous situations, get seriously injured, yet come back for more. Chad Henne reminded me a lot of Fire Marshall Bill tonight. He got rocked in the first half when he landed on his shoulder, but said "Let me show you something! This is verrrrrrry very dangerous!" and then he came back in and played solidly for another few plays to end the first half. Then, after Mallett wasn't playing up to snuff during the second half, Chad stepped out from the sidelines and faced getting seriously injured once again. "Don't dry this at home, kids! I'm a professional!" Henne said. Henne played a great last quarter and secured the Michigan win.
And where did all the playcalling come from tonight? Wow! Throwing on first down on multiple occasions? I almost crapped my pants. And then that thing where Arrington threw the pass to Manningham? Never in my wildest dreams did I think Mike DeBord would call a trick play that worked after seeing a transcontinental crash and burn every few years. Congratulations, Mike DeBord. Today, I was impressed. Keep up this madness and who knows how the rest of the season will turn out!
Also, a nice pat on the back goes to Brandon Minor and Carlos Brown. While usually a two-headed fumblefest, you guys really held it together in Hart's absence. Carlos, you especially were impressive in a few of those runs you busted out on the Illinois defense.
So, in short:
Hooray for another Michigan win! Hooray for hope being kept alive! Hooray for our boys coming together during a tough time and stepping up to a team that many thought would get the better of them. Go Blue!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
I know that this book has been on the shelves for a while, but I just got around to reading it. Let me tell you, if you have not read this yet, stop whatever you're doing (except if you're actually watching football) and go get it. It is absolutely riveting.
I have seen Friday Night Lights in the past on TV, but only after reading the book could I appreciate how deep the football tradition at Permian High goes. The book gives you a great look at how a powerhouse high school football dynasty lives on a a day-to-day basis. Aside from fantastic character development, excellent prose, and exciting sports action, there is also the extremely though provoking story of the racial, economic, and personal tensions within Odessa, Texas.
If you've seen the movie and think you got the whole story, think again! Do yourself a favor and read this. If you played football back in high school, it will make you wish you could go back in time and be 18 again.
Labels: Autumn Thunder Book Club
Huzzah! After many long hours of trying to make the site changes I wanted, I finally got things right. There are a few aesthetic changes around here. Most notably, the cool little social bookmark buttons at the bottom of every post.
Even though the site looks a little different, you'll still be getting the same low-quality garbage that I've committed to bringing you at least four times a week. Cheers!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Upon my arrival to the University of Michigan campus nearly seven years ago, I remember thinking about how awesome everything was, especially the squirrels. Never in my life had I seen squirrels so majestic, fearless, and so orange. They are the badasses of the University of Michigan rodent kingdom.
How would the Michigan squirrels square off against the Illinois Fighting Illini? Behold!
Winner: Michigan Squirrel
Michigan Squirrel vs. J Leman
Winner: J Leman
There you have it! Michigan squirrels three, Fighting Illini one.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
On any given Saturday in Michigan Stadium, and in many other college football stadiums all across the country, there are over 100,000 of the most passionate, dedicated people one could ask to meet. Unfortunately, there are a few bad apples to spoil the game for everyone around them. Here are a few of d-bags I have encountered during my years in the Michigan student section.
This is the guy who not only admits, but advertises defeat the second things start to look glum on the field. He tries to bring everyone else around him down by saying how poorly everyone is playing, how the season is in the crapper, and how the program is headed in a downward spiral. This dude needs to know that nobody wants to hear it and he needs to pop a few prozacs before the game or stay home.
This is the guy who is never happy with what Lloyd Carr does. If it was a run and it didn't work, the play should have been a pass. If a field goal was missed, Lloyd should have gone for it on fourth down. He is really annoying to be around and brings an air of instability wherever he goes. This dude needs to tailgate with the Flighty Sorrostitute and get laid. Then maybe he'll be less focused on Lloyd.
Does this one even need to be explained? People who are silent for 95% of the game but jingle their keys like trained chimps during third down should be ashamed of themselves.
So how can we get rid of these people? Any suggestions? Any other fan-types I forgot?
Sunday, October 14, 2007
As Mike Hart continues to climb in the Heisman standings, he needs all the help he can get! I don't think everyone in the media truly knows what Mike Hart is all about. Perhaps this will open a few eyes. BEHOLD!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Who is to believe here? I think Joe Pa is a respectable guy and he probably wouldn't do something like this. Then again, everybody has their breaking point, and Paterno has had a very rough week with the media.
What have we learned from this fiasco? When you see an old man with coke bottle glasses and a crazy grin coming down the road, pull over and just let him by!
Monday, October 8, 2007
Jon F, an AT reader, sent me an interesting email explaining his theory of how the BTN may be handicapping Mike Hart's Heisman chances this year. After reading his thoughts, I totally agree! Counting next week, more than half of Michigan's games will have been on the BTN. As a result, millions of people around the country have missed the following:
1) Mike Hart heroically rallying the Wolverines late in the game against ASU (despite the loss).
2) Mike Hart breaking the Michigan all-time rushing record last week.
4) Long, exciting runs in the Northwestern game and Hart getting up again and again after being pounded by a defense intent on destroying him.
How much more of Hart's heroics will the country and the Heisman voters miss before it is too late? How much longer will BTN bottle up Mike Hart's greatness and keep it to their relatively small handful of cable affiliates?
It has been shown in the past that media darlings have a much greater chance of winning the Heisman - and if Hart is only being shown on a fraction of the country's TV sets, he is at a serious handicap.
What do you guys think?
Sunday, October 7, 2007
The karate move "Monkey Steals the Peach" is very akin to what The Fighting Harbaughs just did to Surfer Pete and the Posterboys. According to this karate instruction manual...
1) Drop to one knee and flail arms wildly to distract opponent [Stanford did something unexpected - they made a lot of noise in the pre-season and Harbaugh did a lot of distracting things to make sure the focus was on him, but never his team.]
2) While opponent is nice and distracted, rip off his nuts. If performed properly, blood loss and shock will cause opponent's eventual death. [sounds about right!]
That's all I have to say about that. If you want to read a good article about how this will affect the whole Harbaugh/Michigan situation, go read MGoBlog. I'm sure he'll have one up soon.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Forget about Christmas. Forget about Hannukah. Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Easter - who the hell cares? My birthday? Pssh. Today is the most important day of the year. Today, Mike Hart shattered the Michigan all-time rushing record. Oh, I was so happy for him! All that hard work - all those yards earned bit by bit - today they all came together to put him atop Michigan's mountain of running back legends.
By the season's end, I expect he will add another 400 yards on top of his current rushing total of 4,655.
I watched the game at Metro 53 today, where the New York alumni chapter meets every week to watch Mike Hart kick ass. I happened to run into John U Bacon, author of "Bo's Lasting Lessons," who was in the bar signing copies of his book and hobnobbing with New York's finest Wolverines.
"You're wearing the right jersey!" Mr. Bacon said, commenting on my Mike Hart fan gear. "He's the man today!"
"He's the man every day," I said back.
Labels: Mike Hart
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
As we all know, Manningham will not play this week against EMU due to a violation of team rules. Many have speculated what rule Mario may have broken - but only Autumn Thunder has the scoop: it was indeed the game-ending Worm that did the wide receiver in.
"Mario Manningham doing 'The Worm' was totally unacceptable," said Lloyd Carr. "Everybody knows that our entire program is stuck in the 1960's. Everything is from the '60's. The kind of players we recruit - the playbook - the coaching methodology -the worm is from the mid 80's, and Mario's flagrant disregard of Michigan's time-honored tradition of not adapting to change had to be reprimanded."
"Perhaps if he did 'The Twist' at the end of the game, we would have abstained from punishing him." Explained Carr. "Hell - I would have tolerated 'The Swim' or even 'The Monkey'. But 'The Worm?' That's not something a Michigan Man does."
Look for Manningham's return in two weeks.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Today, Kevin White, AD at Notre Dame, recalled thousands of Weisagotchi toys. These electronic gadgets, modeled after the Tomagotchi craze of the late 90's, enable college football fans to own their own personal electronic version of Charlie Weis.
"Wooooooooooooord up!" said K-Money. "I needed to make some quick cash because our ticket sales were declining and all of our endorsements were falling through. 0-5 doesn't lend itself well to making cheddar, dig me? These Weisagotchi gizmos were supposed to be all that and a bag of chips. But really, they're makin' my peoples ill. I'm not talking about that good kind of ill that my hip hop homies are. I mean physically ill. Like gettin hospitlized ill."
Thousands of Weisagotchi users were checking into hospitals due to extreme wrist pain. Why? Because in order to keep their Weisagotchis alive, users had to feed their Weisagotchi an average of 15 hot dogs a minute (only half of what the actual Charlie Weis eats). If the Weisagotchi was not fed enough, it would start to throw a temper tantrum, and revert to the toy's "press conference mode" where the Weisagotchi would get really defensive and say how great it was. The only way to get the Weisagotchi out of this defensive setting was to repeatedly press the "stroke ego" button for hours on end.
Several users who were not injured complained that their Weisagotchi died shortly after purchase. Apparantly, they tried to exercise it and it expired instantly.