Wednesday, November 28, 2007


You're off the island. Please extinguish your torch and go home.

Ah, what a relief. I think it's safe to say we all did a collective "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" this morning upon hearing the news that Kirk Ferentz will not be our new head coach.

Only three days until Les Miles' season is over and the true madness can begin.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Who Do You Love?

Rarrrrrrr! Me Angry!

If you had to choose either Les Miles or Sam McGuffie in 2008, who would you choose?

A star player can really make a difference to a team, and even carry them through a tough season and lead them to greatness. Look no further than our own Mike Hart to prove how one man can be the special winning ingredient. Texas had Vince Young, Florida has Tebow, and USC had Reggie Bush. Without a doubt, a special athlete can make a program in the short term. No one will argue against the fact that Sam McGuffie is sensational - but if he is a gamebreaking, unstoppable force at the college level remains yet to be seen.

In the long term, a good coach will have the superior impact on a program. Great recruiting, solid coaching, and keeping up excellent relationships with the press keep a great program on a successful trajectory. Jim Tressel, Urban Meyer, and Pete Carrol are all examples of how top-notch coaching can bring a program to the top tier of elite college football teams. The question is - is Miles this kind of coach? He has done a very respectable job at LSU - but much of what he needed for success at his post was installed by his predecessor.

My gut says go with McGuffie. There are lots of good coaching candidates around who would do a fantastic job - but that once-in-a-decade recruit comes around only so often.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Autumn Thunder Booth Review: Baby Wolverine DVD.

Much better than Barney.

When the fine folks at Team Baby Entertainment (the company behind the MDen Lee Corso appearance) asked me to do a review of their latest and greatest educational video, I was glad to lend a helping hand. Let's face it - getting into college is getting harder by the year. Remember what you had to do when you applied to Michigan? Take the SATs, do well in high school, extracurricular activities - it's no easy feat!

If you want to give your kid a head start on learning letters, numbers, colors, and Michigan sports, the Baby Wolverine DVD is a good way to go. It has educational content like counting and spelling for the kids, and tons of sports clips to make watching tolerable for the parents. Forget the purple dinosaurs and The Wiggles. This video has David Terrell catching long bombs for touchdowns.

Since I have no kids, I can't say how a toddler would react to this. But, I did test it on the dog. It kept Mikey interested for a while, which I'd say is pretty impressive!

Mikey likes it!

The Chase Is On!

Miles and Ferentz neck and neck in front. English bringing up the rear.

Though it's only been a week since the job is open, but already there has been significant developments on the hiring of Michigan's new football coach. As Brian previously reported, Kirk Ferentz has been offered the gig. Let us pray to Bo that he rejects the offer. Les Miles is still the fan favorite, and Brian Kelly is still a good second/third choice. The possibility of Glen Mason was tossed around in the media, but one can only hope that situation will never be anything more than just speculation. In last place? Most likely Ron English. Talented, but not ready for the gig yet.

The most significant developments are yet to come - Miles still has not coached his final game and Martin will not contact a candidate coach about the job until their season is over.

I can't wait until next Monday when things get REALLY interesting.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Autumn Thunder's "Keep Sam McGuffie" Petition Now Online!

Do you still love us?

When Sam McGuffie committed to Michigan a few months ago, the Maize and Blue fanbase rejoiced. Oh, how wonderful it would be to see him in that winged helmet! Now it appears that with the coaching change drama so prominently in the news, certain commitments may be wavering. The only thing we, the future Sam McGuffie fans can do is show our appreciation for this awesome Texan.

If you have 15 seconds, please sign the "Keep Sam McGuffie in Maize and Blue" petition. Do you think we can get 10,000 signatures before the new coach is named? I do!

If you have the inclination, email it to your friends! Put it up on some message boards! Let's get that 10,000! No other fanbase will appreciate him like we will - let's show it.

If he sees the love we have for him and knows of his opportunity on the depth chart, hopefully he'll be a Wolverine in February.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Ultimate Tiger Trap?

In his farewell press conference, Lloyd claimed that the only reason for this being the time for his resignation was out of concern for future of the Michigan football program. Not to accuse Coach Carr of being malevolent towards Les Miles, but allow me to play devil's advocate for a minute and let us explore other possible reasons for Lloyd picking this as the time to retire:

1) Lloyd's departure sets the LSU athletic department to Defcon Five. In order to keep Miles around LSU, Skip Bertman, the LSU AD, offers Miles a very substantial raise. If Miles refuses the raise and accepts an offer from Michigan, he is giving up the possibility of being one of the highest-paid coaches in NCAA football. If he takes the raise and stays at LSU, people may say his love for Bo and ties to Michigan weren't as strong as initially thought - a major slap in his face. Truly a lose-lose situation for Miles.

2) Michigan offers Miles the job before the SEC Championship or even the BCS Championship (should the Tigers make it.) If Miles is not allowed to coach LSU after accepting a Michigan offer (not unheard of in college athletic politics, as Bo Schembechler has shown us in the past with Bill Frieder) he must choose between coaching players he loves for a major trophy (who knows when the next time he'll coach for a championship will be?) and what many people say is his dream job. Another possible lose-lose situation.

Lloyd Carr has always been a man of the highest moral standard. However, one can't quite ignore the possibilities that any personal disapproval with Miles' candidacy for the job might have factored into the way he retired.

What do you guys think?

Monday, November 19, 2007


Dear Mike,

It's hard to believe it's all over now. I remember the first time I saw you during my senior year at Michigan and thinking, 'Wow, I bet this kid's gonna be pretty great someday.' Fast forward four years later to the point where I own #20 home and away jerseys, devote a significant portion of my workday sneaking around the internet reading about you, and naming my first dog after you. I guess 'pretty great' was a pretty big understatement.

By now you've probably seen my blog and may have been a little creeped out. But please, before you go, allow me to explain.

Sure, the stuff you may have seen here might seem a little off-the-wall and nothing more than the cheesy fabrications of a guy with a serious mancrush. That might be true - but in all seriousness, you are a real inspiration to me.

You give hope to everyone who has the odds pitted against them. You aren't big. You aren't fast. You don't have superhuman strength. But damn were you successful - moreso than anyone else who did what you do in over 100 years of the greatest football tradition on Earth. People with God-given abilities far beyond your measure didn't even come close to what you accomplished during your time at Michigan. An unyielding desire to win and a don't-take-no-for-an-answer attitude carried you higher and farther than the strongest, fastest, most elusive legs ever could.

You had a lot of great plays on the field while you were here - too many to list. But you know the ones I will remember most? Not the thirty-yard runs after breaking a tackle. Not the runs where you fiercely stiff armed a linebacker in the face and never looked back after you ran on.

The plays I will remember most are the two or three yard runs where you tried hard, but didn't get it. The ones where you would always pop back up, shake yourself off, and bounce back to the line ready for your next try.

It makes me think that if I really set my sights on something and never give up, I can be something really special too.

Thanks for everything.

Most Sincerely,


Autumn's Twilight.

Dear Lloyd,

What can I say to you that hasn't been said already? Thanks for everything you've given us and for thirteen years of class, honor, and dignity. May you have a peaceful, happy, and productive retirement. You deserve it.

It's My Birthday!

So as of three minutes ago, I am officially 25 years old. It's kind of a surreal moment - eighteen hours ago I was living the dream back in Ann Arbor (except the loss part) and now I'm back in my crappy Brooklyn apartment dreading the hours until I have to go back to my cubicle.

Being back in Ann Arbor, a place filled with so much hope, so many dreams, and so many talented and accomplished people reminded me how life is really supposed to be lived - going after what you really want and not settling for anything less.

In front of all you AT readers, I hereby swear that I am going to make this the most productive and happiest year of my life since I left Michigan.

I wish I could hang out and have a beer and eat some wings with you guys. But since that's a geographic impossibility, send me a picture of a beer! It would be most appreciated and get my 25th year off to a great start.

Yours truly,


Sunday, November 18, 2007

Celebrity Weekend!

Say cheese, sweetheart!

This weekend, alongside tailgating with some good college buddies (and some VIP AT readers!), I got to meet a few football celebrities. My girlfriend, Decker (an old college buddy who once played quarterback against Henne in high school!) and I went to the MDen to meet Lee Corso. He couldn't have been a nicer guy. He seemed happy to meet all the fans who came to greet him and was willing to sign autographs and pose for pictures. You can't tell because I blacked out all the faces of those who wish to remain anonymous - but DAMN is that man orange!

Unverified Voracity meets Random Crap.

I also got to meet Brian from MGoBlog at a mysterious bar located somewhere near Ashley. He's even smarter-sounding in person than he is on the blog, if that's possible.

New At The MDen: The Michigan Thneed!

Will Michigan ever run out of products to license? During my visit to the MDen this trip, I saw the latest and greatest product I did not need but had the urge to buy anyway: The Michigan Thneed.

I'm being quite useful. This thing is a Thneed.
A Thneed's a Fine-Something-That-All-People-Need!
It's a shirt. It's a sock. It's a glove. It's a hat.
But it has OTHER uses. Yes, far beyond that.
You can use it for carpets. For pillows! For sheets!
Or curtains! Or covers for bicycle seats!

Oh, MDen. What will you have next time I come? One thing is for sure:

The Michigan Lorax is not amused.

Autumn Thunder's Official Urinal Playbook!

This Saturday, Michigan Stadium held the second-largest capacity crowd in its history. As a result, anyone trying to take a leak at halftime was in for an unpleasant surprise - a bathroom packed to the brim and filled with angry, frustrated fans. Should this ever happen again, and should you find yourself holding it in instead of braving the medieval urinal troughs, fear not! Here is the official Autumn Thunder Michigan Stadium Urinal Playbook. BEHOLD!

Scenario: It's halftime, and you think your kidneys are about to burst out of your back. So, you rush to the bathroom, only to find that the entranceway looks like a breadline in Cold War Russia. NOOOO!

The first thing you see when you enter is a wall of dudes. Don't be intimidated. Don't be distracted. Just keep your head on straight and focus on the job at hand - ridding yourself of the five or six beers you had before the game.

Don't be tricked into waiting right by the entrance. This is a high-traffic area and you're bound to wait the longest here. Be smart! Head straight through the wall of dudes, turn the corner, and head down the sideline. Pop out at the far right corner. From this angle, you have four possible angles of urination (AOU) at your disposal. You'll surely get a spot here.

If you do have to wait once you get to the area with the best AOU, you best pick a good lead blocker. Avoid these lead urinal blockers at all costs:

Old Men: These guys take forever. Plus,they stand there for like twenty minutes fixing their pants and tucking their shirts in after they're finished and block the lane for others.

Little Kids: A disaster waiting to happen. Almost always accompanied by their Dad - this deadly combination of urinal inefficiency effectively blocks two spots at the trough. Abort! Abort! Abort!

Opposing Fans: They are often confused, and are unsure as how to handle the medieval urinal trough. While not as poor a choice as the old man or the little kid, still avoid if possible.

Thus, the only good choice is The Hardcore Michigan Fan. These guys want to get in and get out and refuse to miss a moment of the halftime performance. They savor the tradition and pageantry of the whole Michigan football experience and won't dilly-dally on the job.

So there you have it, AT fans. Hit the hole hard, pick a good lead blocker, and feel that wonderful, wonderful relief.

Do you guys have any good strategies you'd like to share?

"What I'd Love To Be Able To Do Is Clone Him."

When Bill Martin was interviewed this past Saturday, a reporter asked him how he'd ideally like to replace Lloyd Carr.

Martin's answer?

"What I'd love to be able to do is clone him."

Can you imagine the possibilities? I sure can!

Autumn Thunder Exclusive: Mike Gittleson Interview.

Following the loss to the Buckeyes yesterday, I ran into UM strength and conditioning coach Mike Gittleson on the street. I was lucky enough to score an impromptu interview. BEHOLD!

CC: Thanks for the interview, Mr. Gittleson. I'm surprised Fort Schembechler lets you talk to the press, especially a crappy second-rate blog like mine!

MG: I didn't even ask them if I could. We all know I am sooooooooooooooooooo fired after this year is over, so what the hell does it matter, anyway?

CC: Good enough for me. So anyway, this won't take too long. I just want to ask you some questions about how you condition the offensive line. It seems like they were way overmatched and performed poorly all season.

MG: OK, shoot.

CC: Is it true that you recommend that the offensive linemen drink Big Gulp Slurpees and and Frosty Floats instead of Gatorade and water?

MG: Yes. Obviously, Slurpees and Frosty Floats taste much better than water, so the choice is simple.

CC: I see. Can you confirm that you had Alex Mitchell on an all-cookie dough diet while he was injured?

MG: You bet. Nothing brings a player back from injury faster than cookie dough.

CC: I've heard that you actually intravenously pump cake icing in on the training table to relieve cramps instead of saline solution. Rumor or truth?

MG: Truth! Sugar gives you energy.

CC: How did Jake Long play so well?

MG: Oh, that kid never listens to me.

Friday, November 16, 2007

You Know What Time It Is!

If there's ever a better song written, I don't want to hear it. This is my final post of the week before I return on Sunday. I'll be at the game this weekend, and if any of you guys want to tailgate, email me!

Otherwise, Go Blue and Good Luck!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

We Don't Need No Damn Chinstraps - D'OH!

Danke schoen to AT reader "Euphpirate" for passing this beauty along. According to Euphpirate (a big fan of the Michigan Marching Band), the Worst Damn Band in the Land was giving many Big 10 marching bands guff about wearing chinstraps because they claim to not need them. Apparently, the Buckeye band might need them more than they think. Look at that hat laying out in the middle of the field!


Thanks Euphpirate!

Bizzarro World...

Barack? Hillary? Republicans? TRESSEL? 2008 just seems to have no good choices.

Muchas gracias to AT reader Brooke T for this lovely artwork. Hopefully we will never see the day where a person from tOSU is the leader of the free world!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Lloyd In Real Life.

In his most recent press conference, a reporter looked Lloyd straight in the eye and said, "Lloyd, I don't understand why you just don't answer the question. Do you want to be in Ann Arbor next year?"

Lloyd responded by saying "I'm just going to focus on the game this Saturday."


Some people look into this and speculate that Lloyd is hiding the fact that he is going to call it a career after this season. But look at the way Lloyd acts when he faces a tough, uncomfortable question in his everyday life. Do you think the way he acts in press conferences would be any different?

Lloyd Being Solicited By A Hot Female Groupie.

Groupie: Hey there! What are you doing after the game?
Lloyd: I respect your question, but I can't answer that question right now. I am doing something after the game, but I can't reveal at this time what it is. Next question please.

Lloyd Ordering Dinner At A Restaurant.

Hi! Do you know what you'd like to have for dinner?
Lloyd: At this time, I can't comment on that. It'll be a decision I'll make when the time is right. Right now, I'm going to focus on this free glass of water and the bread we have right in front of us.

Lloyd At A Traffic Stop.

Coach, do you know how fast you were going?
Lloyd: Of course (wry, self-satisfied smile).

Lloyd At His Bar-Mitzvah.

Lloyd, are you ready to become a man in the faith?
Lloyd: Well, that's a good question. Right now, I'm just going to read this Torah. I'll go one word at a time, and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

You see? A Lloyd Carr press conference is a riddle wrapped inside an enigma. While we all have our suspicions of the true meaning of Lloyd's response to yesterday's question, we can only wait to hear his official decision.

Autumn Thunder Book Club: Meat Market

Definitely a must-buy you're a recruiting junkie. If you're not, it's a loaner.

The latest installment of the Autumn Thunder Book Club is "Meat Market" by Bruce Feldman. This book chronicals the 2006 recruiting season of Ed Orgeron and the Ole Miss coaching staff. If you are a hardcore recruiting junkie, you'll get a real kick out of this book. It provides in-depth details of how Orgeron, a master recruiter, evaluates players, picks his prospects, and goes after the prize. "Meat Market" also gives great insight into Jerrell Powe's unfortunate troubles with the NCAA clearinghouse, and provides tasty tidbits about some of 2006's hottest recruits (one emu-lookin' quarterback in particular!).

To be quite honest, I was hoping for some more anectodes about Ed Orgeron's cajun caveman personality in this book. I wanted some ridiculously hillarious shirt-ripping yaw-yawing tales that would make me laugh out loud. While I did get a few chuckles while reading this, I thought Feldman could have capitalized on this aspect of Orgeron to make the book much more entertaining.

It you really love recruiting, are a member of either Rivals or Scout (like me!) and want to get a closer look at how all this madness truly works, "Meat Market" is a must-read. For the average recruiting fan, this book might be a little disappointing - a lot of time is spend describing the high-school recruits, which takes away from the plot and development of the book's major characters.

I'd say give this book a whirl. If nothing else, the story about how Orgeron wrestled a recruit and how the wrestling became a major factor in his commitment makes this book entertaining enough to read.

Nice work, Mr. Feldman.

OSU Fan of the Week Loves Baaaaa-a-a-a-a-d Photoshop.

Jared K, you've done it again! How did you find time to create two of these beauties in one day?

Jessie Tiddleworth

Location: Columbus, OH

Hobbies: Taking rides on his sweet hog with his wife (pictured above), running over stray dogs on dirt roads (also pictured above)

Age: 56

Occupation: Corrections officer

Why He's A Buckeye Fan: "I just love that wool sweatervest Tressel wears every week! It makes me think of my sweetheart."

Jared, you're an AT all-star to say the least. Thanks for the great work.

OSU Fan of the Week Marches On!

While on vacation at the beach, AT reader Jared K snapped a photo of these young Buckeyes in training. Aren't they grotesq...adorable?

Mickey-Sue and Harold Gutz

Location: Canton, OH

Hobbies: Eating worms, spilling things, crying all the time.

Age: 2 (Mickey-Sue) and 3 (Harold)

Occupations: Screaming drunken brats

Why They're Buckeye Fans: "Blue? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!"

It looks like it's too late for these two. Someone call social services ASAP!

OSU Fan of the Week Rolls On!

Muchas Gracias to AT reader Nick S who sent in this masterpiece. The talent out there is inspiring!

Rodney Davis

Location: Columbus, OH

Hobbies: Being Captain of his recently constructed yacht

Age: 34

Occupation: Sidewalk gum scraper

Why He's A Buckeye Fan: "Well, betweens all the drinkin', fightin', lightin' couches on fire, screamin', and passin' out, ya'll needs a team to root fer, right?"

Nick, Picasso ain't got nothin' on your skills.

Another OSU Fan of the Week!

Jeremy B of the Hoover Street Rag has sent over an OSU Fan of the Week! He didn't even have to use Photoshop skills to make this guy look like this - it's allllll natural, baby!

Lester McDaniel

Location: Akron, OH

Hobbies: Mullet maintenance, arm wrestling, and hosting Jean-Claude Van Damme movie marathons in his trailer.

Age: 29

Occupation: Arby's drive-thru guy

Why He's A Buckeye Fan: "I don't remember exactly how my love for the Buckeyes began. But I do remember I starteded to like them right around the time after I eated all that lead paint off Daddy's barn."

Thanks Jeremy! AT fans unite! We're on a roll!

Monday, November 12, 2007

OSU Fan of the Week!

Double the pleasure, double the fun!

Today, Autumn Thunder is proud to present two brothers who have grown up lifelong Buckeye fans.

Johnny-Jack and Freddy-Floyd Williamson

Location: Columbus, OH

Hobbies: Hog racing, monster trucks rallies, and watching Oprah.

Age: 35 (Willy-Jack) and 38 (Freddy-Floyd)

Occupation: They're both interning as septic tank engineers

Why They're Buckeye Fans: "Momma always tolded us, 'ya just wanna reach out an' hitch yer wagons to some stars.' But when yer like us, and yer too dumb and too lazy to get at them thar stars, the TV remote is always within reach and them Buckeys is always on. GO BUCKS!"

Ah. this is going to be a good week.

A Crappy Photoshop Call To Arms!

Attention AT readers! Do you have marginal Photoshop skills? Do you have an extreme disgust for The Ohio State University? Then The Cowbell Commander Wants YOU to be an Autumn Thunder Guest Artist.

This week is "OSU Fan of the Week" Week on Autumn Thunder. I know this feature has taken a backseat to actual news over the course of the season - but now it's back and I need your help to make this the funniest and perhaps most tasteless week ever.

If you have the inclination, a lack of talent, and a good sense of humor, send me your OSU Fans of the Week. I will post them all.

Let's get pumped for Saturday!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

So I Lost This Bet...

Over the course of Friday night's dinner with Dad and Mr. W, we placed wagers on which team would win the game on Saturday. Since I think gambling with money is somewhat wasteful and prefer to take more interesting bets, I proposed that if Michigan won, Mr. W (a die hard Badger fan for over three decades) would pose for a picture in Michigan gear for all of Autumn Thunder to see. If Wisconsin won, Autumn Thunder would feature Wisconsin colors for one week.

Since I am an honorable sportsman, here you are!

"Where's Your Cowbell Now!?!?!" They Taunted.

Good aim is soooooo overrated. Take it from me!

So I've been off the blog for the last few days - and for good reason! I went on another Michigan football pilgrimage with Dad, and Madison is a hike to say the least. Getting to Madison involved a train, a plain, and a lemony-fresh rental car. It was an extremely enjoyable road trip when you forget about the part where the team I traveled halfway across the country played one of their least coordinated games of the year.

The trip started off with great promise. After arriving in Madison, Dad and I went to State Street Brats, Madison's premiere place to have a few beers, eat more meat than you should, and watch football. I noticed something on the menu called "The Brat Burger." A brat and a burger at the same time? The possibility of eating two animals simultaneously? SOLD! It was the greatest thing I ate all week. The greasy brat and the juicy burger were a combination were so perfect together I now know why God created pigs and cows. I'll be serving these delicacies at next week's pre-game tailgate for the OSU game, but that's another post altogether.

They obviously wanted it more!

After a lazy Friday night of lounging in Madison and having dinner with Dad and one of his colleagues (coincidently, the gentleman who hooked us up with SWEET tickets on the 50!) Saturday soon rolled around. Gameday at last! After breakfast, we went to Camp Randall. The fact that The Badgers wanted it more than The Wolverines was apparent before the game even began. The Wisconsin cheerleaders were ready to go in full uniform and miniskirts in the despite the freezing weather, while the Michigan cheerleaders phoned it in by wearing unflattering track suits. No wonder our boys were so unmotivated.

After playing for a short while in the first quarter, Chad Henne left the game. I knew that was bad news. Badger fans squealed with delight when Ryan Mallett came in and threw aimless pass after pass, and got sacked so many times I stopped counting. I saw Hart patrolling the sidelines and foolishly got my hopes up that he would play.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeease go in! Save us from this awful performance!" I thought to Hart. No such luck. Minor and Brown blahed their way through an unremarkable game save an exciting play or two sprinkled throughout.

Whenever anything positive happened for Michigan, even as minor as benefiting from a Wisconsin penalty, I joyously rang my cowbell as loud as I could. Apparently, even though Wisconsin is the dairy state and cowbells should be a familiar sound, the noise was unwelcome. Badger fans chastised me and said I was being too loud. I after the fourth-down turnover which clinched Wisconsin's victory, I put the cowbell away. No amount of banging would bring the Wolverines back into the game at that point.

As the seconds ticked towards the end of the game, The Badger fans began to taunt me. "Where's your cowbell now!" "DING-DING-DING-DING-DING! HAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHA!" So much for that "Big 10: Sportsmanship isn't just for players" hoo-hah we see on TV every week. But I guess it's all part of the experience of being in enemy territory. All in good fun, I suppose.

I won't lie - watching the loss was a heartbreaker. Even trying to console myself with the fact that OSU would get past Illinois (whoops!) and the Wolverines could technically lose their way into the Rose Bowl didn't comfort me.

Win or lose, road trips with Dad are always cool. Many thanks to Mr. W for the awesome tickets and for being a more gracious host than I ever thought possible.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Going to Madison!

I'm leaving tomorrow for the game in Madison, so Autumn Thunder will be updated next on Sunday night when I return. I'll give you guys a good report on how the Badger fans treated yours truly and I'll have a bunch of pictures to boot.

Go Blue!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Dantonio Will Have His Revenge!

Uh, uh, uh, oh boy!

Scorned after his first defeat at the hands of the Maize and Blue, Mark Dantonio is already plotting his revenge next year.

"I'm going to sneak into Michigan Stadium late at night, and I'm going to turn on a hose! I'll flood all of Ann Arbor and wash that air of smugness out of town! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Joining Dantonio will be his sidekick, John L. Smith, A.K.A. General Disappointment.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Matty Ice? I'd Rather Have A Henneken.

Don't serve in a bowl or in Ohio.

Who among us is sick of hearing about Matt Ryan, the BC QB who some broadcast crews have taken to calling "Matty Ice?" If Matt Ryan were a beer, he'd be Blue Moon - pretty good, yet over-hyped. If Chad Henne were a beer, I think this is what he'd be:

He'd be manly yet plain; nothing too extravagant. He would have a classic, understated taste, and he would always get you wasted when you needed him to.

If there are any home brewers out there who would like to make a batch of Henneken, let me know how it turns out! Can I try a sample if anyone actually does this?

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Les Miles: Lucky, Ballsy, or Supernatural?

Listen up Sally! Here's how you get back home.

So Les Miles has come up with another victory from the jaws of defeat. Is he an offensive genius? Does the fact that he has cajones with ten foot diameters inspire his players to play like they do too?

Whatever the case, Lady luck sure does seem to be on his side these days - or is it someone else who is giving Les a little assistance?

What do you guys think?

Saturday, November 3, 2007

They Beat Themselves to Death to Beat Sparty.

I am the sackmaster! Wanna know why?

In one of the most exciting Michigan football games I've seen in a while, the Wolverines barely beat the Spartans. This win put the team one game closer to their goal of winning the Big Ten Championship. However, after this rough and aggressively-played game, it is unclear whether the Wolverines will be with their two biggest weapons for the remainder of the season.

Hart started feeling severe ankle-pain in the second quarter, and Henne re-aggravated his knee injury in the third quarter. Both players had to leave the game (Hart for the majority of the second half, and Henne for one series) due to the extreme pain they were feeling.

When Hart left the game, Brandon Minor and Carlos Brown tagged team their way through the second half. Minor and Brown did not play like the 'new and improved' Wonder-Twins that we have seen the last two games - they were Minor and Brown of old. Largely unremarkable. Most attempts to run up the middle were fruitless wastes of first, second, and third downs. Once again, we see how dangerous it is when the Wolverines play against a competent team intent on playing to win and Mike Hart is not in the game.

I have given Ryan Mallett the benefit of the doubt for the last few weeks, but I can defend him no longer - the kid has a serious case of fumble-itis. He is ranking right up there with Brown and Minor during their freshman campaigns.

Dude! Seriously! Somebody wrap his hands in duct tape, or put some super-glue on his palms...but we can't expect him to lead a good drive down the field if the ball pops out before the play starts. The biggest arm Michigan has ever seen is useless if there is no ball to be thrown.

It will be a real heartbreaker to watch the team come this far only to get denied at the end of the road due to key players being injured.

Chad, Mike - tomorrow I'm going to go to church and light a candle for each of you. Get well soon...they can't do it without both of you.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

A Mike Valenti Breakup.

"Alright, I'm going to open the lines and we're going to talk about this. What I saw over the last few months with you as my girlfriend was a complete and outright choke job.

(choke sound)

We were doing well in this relationship, and we had the relationship well in hand, but then, towards the end, you choked on applesauce. YOU CHOKED!

(long choke sound)

It's a 50/50 split on blame. Fifty percent of it falls on your bad attitude. Now you're my girl, and I love you, but I can't defend you when you act that way. The other 50 percent falls on your crazy-ass family. They never put you good spots to act like a normal person.

It's apparent to me that you can't be in a good relationship. Remember when we were at the company picnic and you acted like a selfish two-year-old because I wanted to socialize and you wanted to just sit all by yourself? PUCKER PUCKER PUCKER! How about the time when you were over for Christmas last year and you didn't want to talk to any of the extended family because you thought they were strange? PUCKER PUCKER PUCKER!

Let's talk about our love life. I can't do it all out here by myself. Don't get me wrong, I ain't Vince Young. Even Vince had help. But whenever it's time to have a little alone time, you give me this puppy dog look, and say 'Help me! I don't know what I'm doing down there! Help me!'


You are the worst girlfriend EVER! You're ATROCIOUS! I'd rather date Roseanne Barr with Lisa Lampanelli as a mother-in-law than to have you as my girlfriend for ONE MORE DAY!

I can't take this crap anymore. I'm tired, I'm emotional, I'm shot.

That's it."


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