Monday, April 30, 2007

Carr Offers Unlikely Prospect for Offensive Tackle.

You heard it here on Autumn Thunder first: Lloyd Carr has offered a scholarship spot on the offensive line to none other than King Kong Bundy, a massive professional wrestler whose fearsome grimace strikes fear in the hearts of men of all shapes, colors, and creeds.

"Well, I know this is unusual offer, but we really need depth at this position," grumbled Coach Carr. "King Kong Bundy never went to college, and has never played football professionally. He meets all the standards and qualifications to play Division I-A college ball, and we'll be glad to have him here at Michigan if he takes the offer."

What about all the talented high high school seniors who could play the position? "Actually, I'm getting tired of all these high school kids and all their little problems," said Carr. "Look. Who would you rather have? A 298 pound high school senior, or a 350 pound King Kong Bundy? A kid with no life experience, or a King Kong Bundy with nearly 20 years of ass-kicking experience? Would you want a kid who's never dealt with thousands of hostile fans, or a King Kong Bundy who has bodyslammed the Hulkster in front of millions of people? I think you see where I'm going with this."

Should King Kong Bundy work out well for the Wolverines, Carr is rumored to be considering Razor Ramon for linebacker and the 1-2-3 Kid at cornerback. Stay tuned to Autumn Thunder for further developments on the recruiting of King Kong Bundy.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Mundy to Become Ultimate Decoy in Mountaineer Defense.

One man's junk is another man's treasure, so they say. The Michigan Wolverines did not invite DB Ryan Mundy, often plagued by sub-par performances, back for a 5th year on the team. "I knew it was time for me to leave," said Mundy, "but I was proud of my time here. I'll always remember the backs of all the opposing team's wide receivers I saw while I was a Wolverine."

West Virginia's head coach Rich Rodriguez was quick to pick up on Mundy's release and offer him a spot on the Mountaineers' roster. "Coach Carr is a great strategist," said Rodriguez, "But he wasn't capitalizing on Ryan's skills the right way. I have big, BIG plans for him here in Morgantown."

"You see, Mundy is what I like to call a W.M.D. - a weapon of mass decoy-ification." Quoted the WV coach. "Quarterbacks see Mundy in zone coverage, and instantly think they can just fire it to his side of the field and he won't get to it. But, if I have 2 or three other guys who can actually cover inside the "Mundy-zone" at the same time, that play's shut down right then and there! We're going all the way this year, baby, and Ryan Mundy being our defensive decoy will play a large part of our success."

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Alternative Endurance Training Methods Fail Alan Branch.

The mighty Michigan DT Alan Branch, once considered by many to be a top 10 NFL draft prospect, shocked draft analysts around the country when he was picked in the second round by today by the Arizona Cardinals. Branch's stock seemed to plummet in the NFL combine as scouts from various organizations noticed his endurance wasn't quite at the level necessary to be a great NFL defensive lineman.

How did Branch train for the combine? Rather than follow traditional workout regimens, Branch concocted his own way of getting fit for the camp. He stealthy tackled sprinters from the UM track team while they practiced, duct-taped slices of pepperoni pizza to them while they were unconscious, and ferociously chased them around the track once they awoke. Branch would usually chase the sprinters for a quarter mile or so before their concussions kicked in and they blacked out once more.

"Coach Carr and Coach English always said that we should practice our tackles on the run." Said Branch. "The pizza? I threw that in there for an extra bit of motivation. You know - just something else to help me get my game face on. Plus, I thought it would be nice to have a tasty treat after I was done my workout."

Had Branch worked with a speed and endurance coach over the off-season, perhaps he would have gone as high as 5th in the draft.

"Okay, Okay, I know this probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had." Admitted Branch. "But it was definitely the most delicious one."

Friday, April 27, 2007

Maurice Clarett: Not Smarter Than a 5th Grader.

Upon their first parole from prison, most ex-inmates take a little time to decompress and enjoy life. They do things like hangin' with the homeys, spending some time with the baby mama, and sipping down some cool forties while smokin' some Phillies. Not Maurice Clarett!

After becoming hooked on "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader" while incarcerated, Clarett's first goal after getting out of prison was to get on the show, outsmart some elementary schoolers, and win some cash to start paying his legal bills and alimony. Too bad for Clarett he was up against Spencer "El Nino" Sanchez in the first round.

Sanchez outsmarted Clarett on every question. Long division? You could see the steam coming from Clarett's ears. Geography? El Nino owned that category like Clarett owned illegal firearms. Spelling? Clarett was D-O-M-I-N-A-T-E-D. After all that he had been through in the last two years, this was almost unbearable for Clarett. Foxworthy's unrelenting taunts caused Clarett to break down in tears in front of a national television audience.

"Bein' expelled from school was bad. Bein' 'rested the first time was bad. Being 'rested the SECOND time be twice as bad. I ain't even gonna lie to you bout that, son! You know what goes on in the joint?!? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! Clarett hysterically screamed at the children. But dis? Sayin' I ain't smarter than no 5th grader is the most embarrassing thing I ever had to do."

Thursday, April 26, 2007

"300" Gets Sequal; Mike Hart Gets Leading Role.

After the smashing success of "300" this winter, Warner Brothers has decided to make a sequel. Only this time, instead of casting some white guy on steroids, Mike Hart will get his first nod in a leading Hollywood role. There are other changes from the original film. After thousands of Iranian protesters boycotted "300" due to the defamation of Persian culture, WB will no longer use Persians as the enemy. Instead, Trojans will be the villains, as nobody in the history of humanity ever liked them.

The plot is mysterious at this point, but we suspect it has something to do with Mike Hart beating the crap out of some Trojans. We here at Autumn Thunder say, "what the hell more do you need?" Keep it simple!

The movie is tentatively titled "20: Hart's Revenge" and is due out in January 2008. Look for more information coming up in future months.

The tagline so far?

"Tonight, we dine in...PIZZA HOUSE!"

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

New Feature!!! OSU Fan of the Week.

In an attempt to better understand our Buckeye neighbors, Autumn Thunder will introduce one OSU fan to the Michigan community per week. This week, it's Roy "T-Bone" Huggins.

Location: Dublin, OH

Age: 41

Occupation: Port-O-Potty Maintenance Engineer

Hobbies: Couch burning, flipping over cop cars, and looting.

Why He's A Buckeye Fan: "Ev'ryday, OSU reminds me that sometimes you can be s'essful an' still keep yer standards pretty dang low. GO BUCKS!"

Well Michigan fans, that was our first glimpse into Buckeye society. We'll meet another member of the Scarlet and Grey Nation next week!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Mallett vs. Jimmah! Round 1

I can't wait to see how these two stud freshman quarterbacks stack up against each other! Unfortunately, we'll have to wait a few soul-suckingly football-less months to see who the top dog is. Everybody says Jimmah! is rated higher going into their respective Freshman campaigns. I agree. Who can argue with a scientifically proven bar graph?

Monday, April 23, 2007

Elliott Mealer! Is Michigan Your Final Answer?

Michigan's third commitment is in tonight - Elliott Mealer has given his verbal to the Maize and Blue. But, you know how it is with these OSU/Michigan recruting battles...don't be surprised if this kid waffles and ends up a Buckeye. If you throw in the Jeebus freak factor (he says God is guiding him towards Michigan!) and the fact that he grew up in a room painted scarlet and grey (yuck!) this one sounds pretty shakey to me. Don't call this one in the bag until the ink is dry on the LOI!

What The Cameras Didn't Show You: Hart Saves Puppy From Certain Death!

The cameras caught a lot of exciting game footage last fall when the Wolverines battled the Buckeyes. Mike Hart had an exceptionally spectacular game, carrying for over 100 yards and two touchdowns. However, during a commercial break, the cameras missed Mike Hart's most heroic moment - his selfless rescue of Snuggles, the beagle puppy who somehow wandered his way onto the field.

Hart and Patterson (a Buckeye defensive back) were both vying for Snuggles when they saw him sneak over the sideline. "I saw Patterson with a bloodthirsty look in his eyes. I knew that if I didn't save that dog, he would be eaten alive on the spot. I couldn't let that happen," Hart remembered.

Hart dashed over to the dog, picked it up, and with the same grace and strength with which he carries the pigskin, he sprinted the cuddly canine over to safety. Unfortunately, neither the audience nor the media noticed the act of bravery.

When asked about the incident, Patterson remarked "Urrrrrrg! Me want eat doggie! Mike Hart is bad bad man! He take tasty doggie away!" Patterson was distracted when he saw a shiny piece of tin foil in the distance, and declined to comment further.

Had Michigan won that game, Hart would have been seen as a hero by millions of football fans all over the world. But on that fateful day, in one small puppy's eyes, the littlest running back was the biggest hero he could ever hope to see.

MTV names Bill Martin to host new show: "Pimp My Athletic Complex."

Move over, X. There's a new pimp in town - Bill Martin, or as his fans in the business development world know him, Big Billy Dollaz. Impressed with the way Dollaz is handling the renovations and additions to the University of Michigan athletic complex, MTV has devoted a new show to college athletics upgrades with the 18-24 demographic in mind.

"Dawg, it was mad crunk what I did to Michigan Stadium," quoted Dollaz. "At first, the luxury boxes seemed like all I was going to do. But then I was like 'Aw hellllllllllz naw! Let's kick it up a whole 'notha level.' So I put platinum spinner 22 inch rims all around the stadium, and if the noise isn't loud enough with the champagne rooms (luxury boxes) I added, I had 10,000 watt subwoofers installed all across the sidelines. Next, I'm gonna put personal DVD players in the back of the benches and smoothie machines on top of all the urinals in the men's room. This House used to be a hoopty, but now it's gonna be hype! Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh Boooooooooooy!"

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Mike Hart Defeats Tyrannosaurus; Officially Named The Biggest Bad-Ass Ever on the Planet.

Mike Hart is known for making mincemeat out of defenses across the Big 10. However, this week, Hart kicked it up a notch and went mano e dino with the king of the dinosaurs in a winner-take-all battle for the title of "The Biggest Bad-Ass Ever on the Planet." The Big House was intentionally left empty for this unadvertized matchup in case the tyrannosaurus went bezerk and embarked on a Jurassic Parkesque rampage.

Hart, who sat out spring ball to prepare for this man vs. dinosaur challenge, juked T-Rex at the 20 yard line and ran into the endzone despite the roaring and thunderous footsteps from the lizard king.

"Yeah, it was pretty easy," said Hart. "I mean, he's big and all that, and he was ferocious and snarly, but his brain's the size of a walnut! Let's be realistic."

Tyrannosaurus was devastated. "I tried to tackle him...but look at my arms! They're useless! I can't believe this. I mean...RAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Autumn Thunder: Realization of a Dream.

Hello Michigan Fans,

I've been reading the material in the Michigan football blogosphere for the better part of three years, and I've always wished I could contribute somehow. Unfortunately, there was always something holding me back - grad school work, lack of actual facts or statistics, being incompetent at HTML...

But dammit, if you have a dream, you have to go for it! And with that, I am bursting Mike Hart - style through my limitations and into the blogosphere. I can't guarantee amazing facts, figures, and research ala Brian over at mgoblog. I can't offer the top-notch basketball coverage over at Maize & Brew. But I promise you this: If you come to this site, there will always be a fresh supply of dubious news, crappy homemade artwork, and things to amuse you.

Go Blue!

Yours Truley,

The Cowbell Commander.


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