Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Worst Kinds of College Football Fans.

On any given Saturday in Michigan Stadium, and in many other college football stadiums all across the country, there are over 100,000 of the most passionate, dedicated people one could ask to meet. Unfortunately, there are a few bad apples to spoil the game for everyone around them. Here are a few of d-bags I have encountered during my years in the Michigan student section.

The Annoying Know-It-All Guy.
Wherever you stand, there always seems to be one guy who knows everything. He knows every useless stat and spews them out in a lame attempt to impress those around him. He thinks that memorizing numbers and busting them out while there is a break in the action makes him cool. Guess what? This poor chump doesn't recognize that most people will forget the numbers he says within five seconds of hearing them, but almost everyone will remember what a dorkus maximus he is.

The "We Are Going To Lose" Guy.

This is the guy who not only admits, but advertises defeat the second things start to look glum on the field. He tries to bring everyone else around him down by saying how poorly everyone is playing, how the season is in the crapper, and how the program is headed in a downward spiral. This dude needs to know that nobody wants to hear it and he needs to pop a few prozacs before the game or stay home.

The Flighty Sorrostitute.
This is the girl who gets all dressed up for the game, tailgates until she can barely stand, but can't name the backup running backs. She constantly yells at players whose names she doesn't know with dissatisfaction if something goes wrong, but if things go well she just goes "woooooooooooooooooo!" Now mind you, Autumn Thunder TOTALLY supports drunken attractive co-eds. But if you ladies can't keep your act together at the game, take your boobies elsewhere.

The Angry Second-Guesser Guy.

This is the guy who is never happy with what Lloyd Carr does. If it was a run and it didn't work, the play should have been a pass. If a field goal was missed, Lloyd should have gone for it on fourth down. He is really annoying to be around and brings an air of instability wherever he goes. This dude needs to tailgate with the Flighty Sorrostitute and get laid. Then maybe he'll be less focused on Lloyd.

The Apathetic Key Jingler.

Does this one even need to be explained? People who are silent for 95% of the game but jingle their keys like trained chimps during third down should be ashamed of themselves.

So how can we get rid of these people? Any suggestions? Any other fan-types I forgot?


Reed said...

There's also the grumpy "down in front guy".

The most annoying woman I ever encountered at Michigan Stadium was some dumb lady sitting directly behind me who just kept saying "Go Bluuuuue!" the whole damn game. She was yelling it during TV timeouts and maybe even at halftime. She complained that we were throwing to Braylon Edwards too much. She also said, "let's go defense" right before a kickoff. I didn't like that lady.

Hemlock Philosopher said...

You got it, Reed. The snooty cosmo-sipping, fur-coat wearing, ne'er make a sound grumplestiltskins that think the stands are akin to a golf tournament. He looks like this guy when you stand up to cheer. Oh, wait, that's Joe Pa. Shouldn't you be coaching?

umvictortoronto said...

You forgot my personal favorite, the old couple with the hip replacements who continually call out from the first play onward "down in front". How about trading in your season tickets for a better view of the game at home in your rocking chair!

Andrew said...

great calls on the "down in front guy". perfectly personified in that letter to the AA News (?)recently.

my submission:

"clueless sports analyst wannabe guy"

this is the guy who knows just enough about football to be dangerously annoying. he thinks he knows far more than he actually does. he refers to plays by the wrong names/descriptions, but criticizes/praises the calls anyway. he calls players by the wrong names or the wrong positions. he only succeeds in making himself look like a stupid(er) mark may.

kowisja said...

yes, last week we had carson palmer and carlos butler at tight end. not once did the radio guys get carson butler right.

or what about non-maize out cheerleaders... man, i've got to go look at that post again.

kowisja said...

oh and to get rid of them, stand next to them, throw hot dogs, then drop a pile at their feet. when security comes, point at them.

Brian said...

LOL, nice.

Sadly I fall under the "We're going to lose" category quite frequently.

Ameed said...

We sit a row in front of:

"Buckeye fan married to Michigan lady (who is equally annoying in herself, which explains why she would marry a buckeye...without sports this wouldn't be totally disgusting) but insists on coming to every other game and pretending to be fair but generally criticizing everything about the universe guy"

i hate that guy...and row in front means knees in my back...stupid buckeye

BlueRage said...

How about the party poopers who can't go 5 minutes without telling everyone in front of them to sit down and shut up. It's a damn football game. If you're there to support your team then do God damn it. Don't sit on your ass and not give your team any boost. Otherwise, give your tickets to someone who's a true fan. Quit making 110,000 people seem so quiet.

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joseph burrell said...

hahaha tell me about it, I do know what you are talking about and you have not seen the bookmaking sports football team supporters, they are totally different!


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