A Mike Valenti Breakup.

"Alright, I'm going to open the lines and we're going to talk about this. What I saw over the last few months with you as my girlfriend was a complete and outright choke job.

(choke sound)

We were doing well in this relationship, and we had the relationship well in hand, but then, towards the end, you choked on applesauce. YOU CHOKED!

(long choke sound)

It's a 50/50 split on blame. Fifty percent of it falls on your bad attitude. Now you're my girl, and I love you, but I can't defend you when you act that way. The other 50 percent falls on your crazy-ass family. They never put you good spots to act like a normal person.

It's apparent to me that you can't be in a good relationship. Remember when we were at the company picnic and you acted like a selfish two-year-old because I wanted to socialize and you wanted to just sit all by yourself? PUCKER PUCKER PUCKER! How about the time when you were over for Christmas last year and you didn't want to talk to any of the extended family because you thought they were strange? PUCKER PUCKER PUCKER!

Let's talk about our love life. I can't do it all out here by myself. Don't get me wrong, I ain't Vince Young. Even Vince had help. But whenever it's time to have a little alone time, you give me this puppy dog look, and say 'Help me! I don't know what I'm doing down there! Help me!'

MAKE PLAYS!

You are the worst girlfriend EVER! You're ATROCIOUS! I'd rather date Roseanne Barr with Lisa Lampanelli as a mother-in-law than to have you as my girlfriend for ONE MORE DAY!

I can't take this crap anymore. I'm tired, I'm emotional, I'm shot.

That's it."