Sunday, November 18, 2007

Autumn Thunder's Official Urinal Playbook!

This Saturday, Michigan Stadium held the second-largest capacity crowd in its history. As a result, anyone trying to take a leak at halftime was in for an unpleasant surprise - a bathroom packed to the brim and filled with angry, frustrated fans. Should this ever happen again, and should you find yourself holding it in instead of braving the medieval urinal troughs, fear not! Here is the official Autumn Thunder Michigan Stadium Urinal Playbook. BEHOLD!

Scenario: It's halftime, and you think your kidneys are about to burst out of your back. So, you rush to the bathroom, only to find that the entranceway looks like a breadline in Cold War Russia. NOOOO!

The first thing you see when you enter is a wall of dudes. Don't be intimidated. Don't be distracted. Just keep your head on straight and focus on the job at hand - ridding yourself of the five or six beers you had before the game.

Don't be tricked into waiting right by the entrance. This is a high-traffic area and you're bound to wait the longest here. Be smart! Head straight through the wall of dudes, turn the corner, and head down the sideline. Pop out at the far right corner. From this angle, you have four possible angles of urination (AOU) at your disposal. You'll surely get a spot here.

If you do have to wait once you get to the area with the best AOU, you best pick a good lead blocker. Avoid these lead urinal blockers at all costs:

Old Men: These guys take forever. Plus,they stand there for like twenty minutes fixing their pants and tucking their shirts in after they're finished and block the lane for others.

Little Kids: A disaster waiting to happen. Almost always accompanied by their Dad - this deadly combination of urinal inefficiency effectively blocks two spots at the trough. Abort! Abort! Abort!

Opposing Fans: They are often confused, and are unsure as how to handle the medieval urinal trough. While not as poor a choice as the old man or the little kid, still avoid if possible.

Thus, the only good choice is The Hardcore Michigan Fan. These guys want to get in and get out and refuse to miss a moment of the halftime performance. They savor the tradition and pageantry of the whole Michigan football experience and won't dilly-dally on the job.

So there you have it, AT fans. Hit the hole hard, pick a good lead blocker, and feel that wonderful, wonderful relief.

Do you guys have any good strategies you'd like to share?


wile_e8 said...

I always thought the best strategy was to never stop, because there are *always* spots open at the very end near the sinks. Most people give up wait behind someone early, so there is hardly anyone right before the troughs end. Stopping and waiting, even at spots with high AOU, is just a waste of time.

Sgt. Wolverine said...

Woohoo! I made the blog! I can die happy.


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