Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Michigan Squirrels vs. The Fighting Illini!

Upon my arrival to the University of Michigan campus nearly seven years ago, I remember thinking about how awesome everything was, especially the squirrels. Never in my life had I seen squirrels so majestic, fearless, and so orange. They are the badasses of the University of Michigan rodent kingdom.

How would the Michigan squirrels square off against the Illinois Fighting Illini? Behold!

Michigan Squirrel vs. Juice Williams
Both the squirrel and Juice Williams are incredibly nimble and have many weapons at their disposal. The squirrel can dart back and forth on a dime, and can attack opponents with either his sharp claws or his deadly teeth. Juice Williams can scramble, and he can occasionally pass on a confused defense. Unfortunately, both the squirrel and Juice are prone to making bad decisions. Juice has as many picks as he has touchdowns, and Bonisteel Drive in North Campus is often littered with the dead carcasses of squirrels who couldn't decide whether to go left or right. This was a tough one, but...
Winner: Michigan Squirrel

Michigan Squirrel vs. J Leman

J Leman is one big dude. Likewise, the Michigan squirrel is an Adonis among small animals. Running backs take a look at Leman and run the other direction. Along the sames lines, small dogs take a look at the Michigan squirrels and decide not to try anything rash, because they know a Michigan squirrel could really fuck their shit up. To their disadvantage, both the Michigan squirrel and J Leman have ratty, orange-brown hair which looks like a fashion disaster. Because he will probably be making a few million next year and the squirrels will probably still be eating trash...
Winner: J Leman

Michigan Squirrel vs. Rashard Mendenhall
Rashard is kind of a weird name. Likewise, squirrel is also kind of a weird word. Go ahead. Say it a few times. Squirrel. Squirrel. Squirrel. See? Weird! I don't know much about Rashard Mendenhall, but I do know that I love me some Michigan squirrels. So, quite arbitrarily...
Winner: Michigan Squirrel

Michigan Squirrel vs. The Zooker
The Michigan squirrels are awesome at stockpiling nuts for winter. The evidence of this is all those five-pound Herculean squirrels you see romping around the campus in January. Similarly, Zooker is good at stockpiling talent. His recruiting class this year is pretty damn sick, and last year's recruiting class was filled with top-notch prospects, especially Regus Benn. Then again, Zooker did get fired from Florida, where the team was so loaded with talent a comatose deaf-mute could have taken the team to a bowl game. I think the Michigan squirrel could have done a better coaching job at Florida than the Zooker, and thus...
Winner: Michigan Squirrel

There you have it! Michigan squirrels three, Fighting Illini one.


Jason said...

As the founder of the Michigan Squirrel Club, I agree with your analysis. The squirrels here could probably beat most Div 1 teams (esp. if there were peanuts in the endzone.)


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