Sunday, June 3, 2007

Lord of the 'Rines: Special Platinum Extended Edition!

Thanks to some great suggestions I've received, I'm doing a follow-up on Friday's Lord of the 'Rines post. Enjoy!

Cave Troll: Charlie Weis

What the cave troll represents to the fellowship is what Charlie Weis represents to The Wolverines: a large, fierce abominable creature who is not only strong, but surprisingly intelligent. Whenever a cave troll or Charlie Weis is encountered, extreme caution must be used and attacks must be perfectly coordinated. The cave troll is strong and mighty, but is capable of being slain by good planning and execution.

Sarumon: Jim Tressel

Sarumon was the primary agent of Sauron, and accordingly, Jim Tressel is the primary agent for Ohio State. Both Sarumon and Tressel are very cunning, innocent-looking old geezers who can open a can of whoop-ass and leave a wake of destruction wherever they travel. They both have reputations of being the best at what they do (Tressel is regarded as the finest strategic coach in football; Sarumon is the highest ranking white wizard in Middle Earth.) Both are unbelievably dangerous foes, and their archenemies are Gandalf and Lloyd Carr respectively.

King Theoden: Ron English

King Theoden of Rohan was the man who rode to Aragorn's aid for the final battle of the Pellenor Fields. Similarly, Ron English is the guy who charges in with the defense from hell and saves Chad Henne whenever things go south for the offense. Both English and Theoden are extremely stern men, and can light a fire under their troops with extraordinary motivational skills.

Eomer: Zoltan Mesko

Both Zoltan and Eomer are the leaders of elite fighting units: Zoltan leads the special teams, and Eomer leads the Riders of the Rohirrim. Whenever Aragorn calls for aid, Eomer and his riders are quick to answer the call. When Chad Henne leads an unsuccessful drive, Zoltan and his squad run out on the field and deal a devastating blow to the opposing team. Both Zoltan and Eomer are very dependable supporting characters to their leaders.

Treebeard: Ryan Mallett

Ok, so this one is a bit of a stretch. But then again, what posted on AT isn't out in left field? Anyway, both Mallett and Treebeard are super tall, have really skinny arms, and can throw things really, really far.

Mordor: Columbus, OH.

Mordor. Land of destruction and ruin. The most disgusting, deadly, smoke filled, lawless place ever known to man. In Mordor, the people are uglier, dumber, and more primitive.

Whoops, did I say Mordor? I meant to say 'Columbus.'

Gollum: Mister Simpson

At last, the tragic figure of Gollum. Who better to represent this poor, confused creature than Mister Simpson? Both were in persuit of something that meant the world to them: Gollum wanted the precious. Simpson wanted playing time. Alas, both Gollum and Simpson would not get what they wanted. Frodo would be master of the precious, and Mike Hart would be the running back with 95% of the carries. As a result, both Gollum and Simpson were driven to madness. Gollum dove into a volcano after Frodo threw the One Ring into the burning flames, and Simpson transferred to Cincinnati in hopes of becoming a starter. These once-innocent and lovable characters were corrupted by their desire for power and it led to their demise.


alstream said...

Haha, nice ones. how about doing one for the Matrix? 3 guesses who agent Smith would be, and the first 2 dont count.

Leara said...

you make me laugh.

brookiedoll08 said...

This makes me sick. To talk of these boys in this way is rude, inconsiderate and arrogant. You talk as if you realy know these boys. Which im sure is not true. So until you learn the truth about thier stories, maybe you should keep your horrible comments to yourself.


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