Saturday, September 1, 2007

Say It Ain't So or Shoot Me In The Frickin' Face.


I'm usually a courteous person. But I was so angry coming home from the sports bar after watching the game today, I did not give up my seat to two cripples and a pregnant woman on the subway. Maybe I really was hurting more than them at that given moment. Maybe I'm a huge dick. But I don't care right now.

There were so many reasons to be upset today it almost hurts to blog. But blog I must, because it is the only way to cope with this madness.

Before I begin, allow me to say that it really pisses me off that Michigan got beat by a team which has a mascot which looks like Davey Jones from The Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Hyarrrrrrrrrrrrr, I'm pissed off.

Now, let’s release the hounds.

Let's talk about the defense (or more appropriately, the lack thereof). The way that our defenders bounced off the Appalachian State running backs and that accursed Armanti Edwards made it seem like those rednecks had invisible anti-Michigan force fields surrounding them. They ran on our boys for ten or fifteen yards at will. The defensive line did nothing to stop them. Our safeties couldn’t catch the Appalachian State guys on a downfield sprint for their lives. Our corners let open receivers walk around the endzone like kids in a candy store. Appalachian State should have won by at least another touchdown, but some good luck swung the way of the Wolverines. Who was it who said our defense wouldn’t be so bad?

Relax! It's just Appalachian State!

What about offense? Chad Henne did what he could while getting no protection from the offensive line during 95% of the snaps. Those guys missed more blocks than a blind, dimwitted toddler trying to pick up Legos in his playroom. The receivers, especially Greg Mathews, did a pretty good job of catching balls thrown their way when Henne wasn’t getting chased around like an antelope pursued by a pride of starving lions in the Serengeti.


Special teams? Oh, Johnny Sears was special alright. There were more bad decisions by Sears in his first game as a kick returner than by all the cast members in every episode of Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and Rock of Love combined.

Returning kicks from inside the endzone with swarming coverage? LET'S DO IT!

To top it all off, Larry, Moe, and Curly calling the game on the BTN over dramatized each Michigan third down to the point of nausea.

“This is a key play for Michigan! They absolutely MUST get this first down!”

“This could be it! This is the game right here! It all might come down to THIS first down!”

“If Michigan doesn’t get THIS first down, then Satan will take over the world and send us all to a pit of burning fire for eternity!”

Take a hint fellas. Seriously. Listen to some Keith Jackson and learn how to properly build drama over the course of a game.

The bottom line? Appalachian State came ready to win. Michigan came ready to tippytoe through a field of daises and dandelions, cuddle kittens and eat lollipops. Appalachian State was intense and unrelenting. Michigan just stood there and said “….”

At least YOU didn’t fail us. I understand injuries happen, and you came back as soon as the coaching staff would let you. You’re magnificent. I love you.

Don't ever change a thing.

There’s only one good thing about losses to alleged cupcake teams – they give people a big reality check and inspire people to work their asses off. I expect that the outcome of the Oregon game next week will be much different, and not end with me going on a blog-o-cidal rampage.

Damn. I wish I had some Oberon right now.


Jim Harbaugh Scramble said...

nice post... seriously everyone on this team and the coach staffing better step up and we better run the table (including bowl)this is the lowest point in the history of michigan football.

mike hart is the only player who showed me any on the field today he stepped up,too bad the rest of the team didn't.

the good news is it can't get much worse than this right?

alstream said...

Yeah it sucked. Still, I hope it doesn't discourage you too much from writing more articles.

I was at the Cal/Tenn game today... and had Tennessee fans cheering me up afterwards.

Nikki said...

I had approximately a 12 pack of Oberon on Sat....didn't help


Don"t Click Here