Because Charlie Weis was unable to perform many normal daily functions due to his weight problems and poor health in general, he was issued a helper monkey from the Helping Hands monkey assistance program for the start of fall practice. "Oh man, I was so excited to get him!" said Weis. "I named him Rockne and for a few days, he was a real help."
"But then, he stopped being helpful. I asked him to do normal everyday things which should be easy for a monkey if a guy like me is paid to do it. I said, "Monkey! Help me pick a starting quarterback for the 2007 season! I don't know what to do! He did nothing. The next day I said Monkey! Tell me how to stop losing bowl games! Still nothing. The next day, I said Monkey! Drive my Lexus to Wendy's and get me 15 Baconators and 10 Frosty Floats with Diet Coke! Then the little bastard flung his feces at me."
"So what did I do after that?" commented Weis. "I slapped a hot dog bun on him and ate the little critter. He helped curb my appetite."
Someone alert PETA!