Thursday, July 19, 2007

Dear Sam...

Dear Sam,

Hope life is good down in Texas! You don't know me, and the chance is slim that the two of us will actually meet in person. But rest assured, I have been reading every article, watching every home video of you jumping over defenders synched to bad rap music, and generally obsessing about your possible commitment to the best college football team in the universe. I heard you enjoyed your trip to Michigan 2 weeks ago and I'm sure you heard lots of great things about life as a Wolverine. As a proud Michigan grad, I want to share with you some of the things about Michigan and the great city of Ann Arbor which made college so wonderful. In no particular order...

Gorgeous Campus: Whether it's spring and the flowers in the Diag are in full bloom, summer and the birds are singing in the trees early in the morning, fall and the leaves are exploding with color, or winter and the landscape is blanketed in virginal white snow, Ann Arbor is gorgeous. We have great traditional-style campus buildings like the Law Quad, Michigan Union, and West Quad, and we have new, ultra modern buildings like the Duderstadt Center on North Campus. Once you arrive on campus, you'll never want to leave.

Proximity To The D: You like baseball? How about those Tigers? Basketball? Meet the Pistons. Hockey? It's Hockeytown USA! Football? We have...U of M! 3 out of 4 ain't bad!

National Television Exposure: Michigan football is on TV ALOT. The more people see you, the more people will be astounded by your awesomeness and you will become a national sensation.

Friendly MidWesterners: You'll never meet a friendlier group of people than the MidWestern folk. You'll feel like you know everyone right when you get here!

Great Traditions: Michigan is abundant with tradition and pageantry. The Little Brown Jug, The Michigan Marching Band, "Those Who Stay Will Be Champions"... Michigan has one of the oldest football programs in the country and has an air of grandeur, history, and passion that few other programs can match.

A Financially Loaded Athletic Department: You can't spell money without M. Forbes recently named Michigan one of the top 5 most valuable college football programs, and cited that Michigan leads the nation in revenue per game. Cha-Ching!

An A.D. Who's Not Afraid To Spend On Facilities: Bill Martin, Michigan's Athletic Director (who I like to refer to as Big Billy Dollaz) has dropped a serious wad of dough to make Michigan one of the the best places to play college ball in the country. Can you imagine yourself leaping over linebackers in a newly renovated Big House?

A History of Producing NFL Talent: Look at the NFL rosters and you'll find a Wolverine nearly everywhere you look. Just think - future recruits will consider Michigan based on the fact that you went there and that you made it to the NFL! You'll be a hero to millions of kids across the country.

Pizza House: Sam, I know you're a healthy eater. But when you get the munchies, you will love this place. It's open late, the staff is friendly, and it makes the best pizza you've never tasted. The cheesy breadsticks are to die for. Can you picture yourself hanging out late at night talking with your teammates about life, love, and football while chowing down on some delicious pizza and having a Coke or two? Good times guaranteed.

Oberon Beer When You're 21: Let's keep it real, Sam. You're probably going to drink while you're on campus before your 21st birthday. When you do, make sure it's one of these - the tastiest beer known to man. Only in the upper MidWestern states can you find this perfect summertime nectar. So, so, soooooooooo gooooooooood!

Michigan Football Fans: We're classy, passionate, and fun. We know how to have a good time without crossing the line. We don't set things on fire or loot. We'll get two friends and write S-A-M on our chests with blue paint. We'll buy your jersey from The M-Den. We'll be loyal, and watch you in the NFL after you graduate.

Huge Alumni Fanbase: Sam, when we graduate, we never stop watching football. Our passion for the game and our team intensifies, because it's a constant reminder of how we spent the happiest, most carefree years of our lives. We remain connected to the University forever and the bond you can share with a total stranger when you find out they went to Michigan is incredibly awesome.

The Best Helmet in Sports: When people see this helmet, they know they're seeing greatness. You shouldn't wear a helmet that signifies any less. You'll look like a total badass in this helmet! Linebackers and safties will see the three stripes going down the back and sigh as you buzz around and over them.

The Tri-Delt Girls: You'll get so much booty from these ladies you won't know what to do with yourself. Be forewarned though - most of these girls have had more balls in their mouth than a Hungry Hungry Hippo, so be smart and "use the proper coverage!"

The Greatest Fight Song Ever: You can probably hear it playing in your mind right now as you envision yourself crossing the goal line for the first time and feeling the power of 107,000 fans scream your name before the break into the chorus. "Hail to the victors valiant..."

The Best Rivalry In Sports: You're a superstar, Sam, and superstars belong on the biggest stage so they can shine for everyone. The Michigan/OSU game is watched by more people than any other college football game every year. How many games will you win for Michigan?

So, basically, I think you're frickin awesome and REALLY want to see you in the Maize and Blue next year. You'll be the jewel of the recruiting class, and if you join the team, I promise that I will post countless crappy photoshops of you doing really awesome stuff. No matter what happens with your commitment, I'll always be a fan.

Kindest Regards,

The Cowbell Commander.


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