There's a Good Reason Michigan Has No Mascot...

Well, guess what? Autumn Thunder is back on the streets again - way earlier than expected. I have found a way to mooch wireless internet off an unsuspecting neighbor. Thanks Netgear, whoever you are!

Ever wonder why the Wolverines have no mascot? When I first got into college football, I always couldn't understand why Michigan was mascot-less. for the last 6 years I had no definitive answer for this question...until now. I have scoured the internets for a hot 5 minutes and found the key to the mystery. The answer, you ask? There is no way to make a Wolverine look good in mascot form. The images below are from an actual mascot making company that claims these models to be the "wolverine" product line. BEHOLD THE MASCOT MONSTROSITIES!

Seriously, what the hell is this thing? It looks like a midget made love to a grizzly bear, and the child of the grizzly bear and the midget did the nasty with some kind of beaver or woodchuck to create this abonination. And then, the beaver/woodchuck/bear/midget had sex with some kind of retarded fish-frog...NEXT!









This is supposed to be a wolverine? Um, no. If someone crossed a squirrel with Richard Karn and gave it an abnormally large cranium, this is what you'd get. NEXT!









What's the deal with this? Are they trying to pass off a raccoon a wolverine? I can almost hear the mascot company's executive board dreaming up this piece of crap. "Hey guys, let's just change the tail and put some claws on it! Nobody will know." Guess what? NEXT!











Did the mascot company think we all skipped "animal day" in elementary school? This is a skunk. Come on. Don't insult my intelligence and tell me a skunk is a wolverine. As Judge Judy once put it, "don't pee on my leg and try to tell me it's raining!" To make matters even worse, it's not even that good of a skunk. Somebody should light this piece of gar-bage on fire and rid the world of it.
















This is not a wolverine either. This thing looks like someone took an ewok from the Star Wars movies, gave it growth hormones, and subjected it to hours of Richard Simmons videos. I hate it. NEXT!











Another oversized ewok. I am neither fooled by the darker color nor amused by it's stupid exresssion. NEXT!












I know a wolverine when I see one. This ain't one. This is a wildcat, and it is a half-assed wildcat at that. Literally! It has no tail! Furthermore, a wolverine would never have a stupid grin on it's face. A wolverine's face always has a look like it's about to claw the crap out of your internal organs and then leave you for dead. NEXT!







There's no telling what this thing is. Is it a giant werewolf? Is it some sort of super powered mongoose? One thing's for sure. It's NOT a wolverine. NEXT!












Wow. Just looking at these things makes my eyes hurt. For fast acting, long lasting, and powerful relief, click here.