Lord of the 'Rines: Special Platinum Extended Edition!

Thanks to some great suggestions I've received, I'm doing a follow-up on Friday's Lord of the 'Rines post. Enjoy!

Cave Troll: Charlie Weis

What the cave troll represents to the fellowship is what Charlie Weis represents to The Wolverines: a large, fierce abominable creature who is not only strong, but surprisingly intelligent. Whenever a cave troll or Charlie Weis is encountered, extreme caution must be used and attacks must be perfectly coordinated. The cave troll is strong and mighty, but is capable of being slain by good planning and execution.





Sarumon: Jim Tressel

Sarumon was the primary agent of Sauron, and accordingly, Jim Tressel is the primary agent for Ohio State. Both Sarumon and Tressel are very cunning, innocent-looking old geezers who can open a can of whoop-ass and leave a wake of destruction wherever they travel. They both have reputations of being the best at what they do (Tressel is regarded as the finest strategic coach in football; Sarumon is the highest ranking white wizard in Middle Earth.) Both are unbelievably dangerous foes, and their archenemies are Gandalf and Lloyd Carr respectively.




King Theoden: Ron English

King Theoden of Rohan was the man who rode to Aragorn's aid for the final battle of the Pellenor Fields. Similarly, Ron English is the guy who charges in with the defense from hell and saves Chad Henne whenever things go south for the offense. Both English and Theoden are extremely stern men, and can light a fire under their troops with extraordinary motivational skills.







Eomer: Zoltan Mesko

Both Zoltan and Eomer are the leaders of elite fighting units: Zoltan leads the special teams, and Eomer leads the Riders of the Rohirrim. Whenever Aragorn calls for aid, Eomer and his riders are quick to answer the call. When Chad Henne leads an unsuccessful drive, Zoltan and his squad run out on the field and deal a devastating blow to the opposing team. Both Zoltan and Eomer are very dependable supporting characters to their leaders.






Treebeard: Ryan Mallett

Ok, so this one is a bit of a stretch. But then again, what posted on AT isn't out in left field? Anyway, both Mallett and Treebeard are super tall, have really skinny arms, and can throw things really, really far.









Mordor: Columbus, OH.

Mordor. Land of destruction and ruin. The most disgusting, deadly, smoke filled, lawless place ever known to man. In Mordor, the people are uglier, dumber, and more primitive.

Whoops, did I say Mordor? I meant to say 'Columbus.'





Gollum: Mister Simpson

At last, the tragic figure of Gollum. Who better to represent this poor, confused creature than Mister Simpson? Both were in persuit of something that meant the world to them: Gollum wanted the precious. Simpson wanted playing time. Alas, both Gollum and Simpson would not get what they wanted. Frodo would be master of the precious, and Mike Hart would be the running back with 95% of the carries. As a result, both Gollum and Simpson were driven to madness. Gollum dove into a volcano after Frodo threw the One Ring into the burning flames, and Simpson transferred to Cincinnati in hopes of becoming a starter. These once-innocent and lovable characters were corrupted by their desire for power and it led to their demise.

Lord of the 'Rines!

Allllllllllllllrighty Autumn Thunder fans, I'm going for something different here. I don't know if this has been done before. If it has, here it is again, this time with crappier artwork. A-hem....

MICHIGAN PERSONALITIES AS 'LORD OF THE RINGS' CHARACTERS!

Gandalf: Lloyd Carr.

Like Gandalf, Lloyd is old, cranky, and venerable. He is wise, but not infallible. Lloyd and Gandalf are set in their ways and is unlikely to change. They have led the forces of good through many battles. Seemingly resurrected (Lloyd the White) with an 11-2 season after being left for dead after a 7-5 season (Lloyd the Grey), he is on a quest culminating with one last battle (2007 Championship) before he heads into the West (retirement.)

Aragorn: Chad Henne

Like Aragorn, Chad Henne was born destined to lead. However, they both are late bloomers and do not seem to fully develop their leadership skills until the end of their respective journeys. Aragorn takes command from Gandalf, but remains largely independent in battle. His closest compatriot is Legolas, with whom he forms one of the most effective duos to ever grace a battlefield. If Henne can overcome the opposition in his final battles as did Aragorn, he is destined to become King (of the quarterbacks in the 2008 NFL draft). On a side note, both Henne and Viggo Mortensen have ginormous butt-chins. Coincidence?






Legolas: Mario Manningham

Legolas and Mario Manningham both possess lightning-quick speed and uncanny grace while in battle. Manningham, like Legolas, is not a leader, but is near the top of the ranks and influences those who fight alongside him. Both Legolas and Manningham are feared warriors whose names are known throughout the land and whose tales are told in ballads and on SportsCenter, respectively.


Gimli: Justin Boren

Justin Boren is relatively new to the group in terms of playing time and has will eventually learn to function with Henne, just as Gimli met Aragorn and the two adapted to each other. While physical size is not a common factor between Gimli and Boren, they are both aggressive, fearless, and throw themselves in front of danger for their leader. This year, "we'll see what one center can do!"





Frodo: Mike Hart

Who else will carry the burden? As Frodo was the heart of the Fellowship, Hart is the heart (couldn't resist!) of the Michigan football team. He constantly takes the most difficult path to success (through linebackers!) and is on a seemingly never ending quest to get a small object (football) to a destination far away (the end zone). Success of the Fellowship's mission rests in Frodo's hands, and one would be hard-pressed to argue against the fact that the success of the 2007 Wolverines lie in Hart's.



Sam: Jake Long

Where would Frodo be without his Sam? Jake Long is a major key to Hart's success, just as Sam was Frodo's main support system. Would Hart be able to gain nearly 100 yards a game if Long weren't dominating the left side of the offensive line? Would Frodo have made it up Mount Doom if Sam wasn't there to carry him? In both cases, the answer is a resounding "no."










Merry and Pippin: Carlos Brown and Kevin Grady

Merry and Pippin are secondary characters to Frodo and Sam. Likewise, Brown and Grady are secondary characters to Hart and Long. These two are fun to watch at times - but let's face it. They don't really do too much and spend most of their time fumbling around.



Boromir: Adrian Arrington

Like Boromir, Adrian Arrington was known for his assertiveness, competency and led by example on the field. Unfortunately, while blessed with many physical gifts, both Arrington and Boromir were cursed a lack of self control and good judgement which led to their ultimate destruction.



Faramir: Greg Matthews

Faramir played second fiddle to Boromir, as Matthews played backup to Arrington last year. Now, with Arrington seemingly out of the picture, can Matthews step up and fulfill his destiny? Like Faramir, Matthews just needs opportunity to "show his quality."






Sauron: Ohio State

Like Sauron, Ohio State is the source of all evil, hatred, and decay in the world. A constant source of peril for all who encounter it, Ohio State is the scourge of the Midwest just as Sauron was the bane of Middle Earth.