Dantonio Will Have His Revenge!

Uh, uh, uh, oh boy!

Scorned after his first defeat at the hands of the Maize and Blue, Mark Dantonio is already plotting his revenge next year.

"I'm going to sneak into Michigan Stadium late at night, and I'm going to turn on a hose! I'll flood all of Ann Arbor and wash that air of smugness out of town! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Joining Dantonio will be his sidekick, John L. Smith, A.K.A. General Disappointment.

They Beat Themselves to Death to Beat Sparty.

I am the sackmaster! Wanna know why?

In one of the most exciting Michigan football games I've seen in a while, the Wolverines barely beat the Spartans. This win put the team one game closer to their goal of winning the Big Ten Championship. However, after this rough and aggressively-played game, it is unclear whether the Wolverines will be with their two biggest weapons for the remainder of the season.

Hart started feeling severe ankle-pain in the second quarter, and Henne re-aggravated his knee injury in the third quarter. Both players had to leave the game (Hart for the majority of the second half, and Henne for one series) due to the extreme pain they were feeling.

When Hart left the game, Brandon Minor and Carlos Brown tagged team their way through the second half. Minor and Brown did not play like the 'new and improved' Wonder-Twins that we have seen the last two games - they were Minor and Brown of old. Largely unremarkable. Most attempts to run up the middle were fruitless wastes of first, second, and third downs. Once again, we see how dangerous it is when the Wolverines play against a competent team intent on playing to win and Mike Hart is not in the game.

I have given Ryan Mallett the benefit of the doubt for the last few weeks, but I can defend him no longer - the kid has a serious case of fumble-itis. He is ranking right up there with Brown and Minor during their freshman campaigns.

Dude! Seriously! Somebody wrap his hands in duct tape, or put some super-glue on his palms...but we can't expect him to lead a good drive down the field if the ball pops out before the play starts. The biggest arm Michigan has ever seen is useless if there is no ball to be thrown.

It will be a real heartbreaker to watch the team come this far only to get denied at the end of the road due to key players being injured.

Chad, Mike - tomorrow I'm going to go to church and light a candle for each of you. Get well soon...they can't do it without both of you.

Allegations of Steroids Shame Sparty.

When looking at the forty-four inch guns on Sparty the Spartan, one can't help but think that he has a little extra "help" with maintaining his physique. This week, a bipartisan committee has confirmed that Sparty does indeed take anabolic steroids to enhance his performance as Michigan State's mascot.

"I know it's wrong," sobbed Sparty, "but I just can't help myself."

"I'm the only highly rated part of Michigan State athletics. Football is a joke, we haven't been a force on the court lately - but I'm always in contention for the mascot of the year! They needed me, dammit! THEY NEEDED ME! MAKE PLAYS!"

"It's such a bummer to hear this," said the Nittany Lion. "He's not only shaming his university, which was shameful to begin with - but he's giving a bad name to all the ridiculously over-muscular mascots out there who try really hard to keep fans happy and lift their team's spirits. It's a sad day out there for all of us."

Sparty Gets New Uniforms!

Brian Hoyer and two other schmoes nobody will ever know show off the new look.

It was announced on May 26 that Sparty would be sporting a new look for the 2007 season. "Wow, the new uniforms are so light and airy!" said future Spartan quarterback Brian Hoyer. "I feel so manly and intimidating - I can't wait to put it in for game day!"

When asked about the lack of pads or helmets being a problem, new coach Mark Dantonio replied "Excuse me, but can you tackle someone when they're leaping through midair in the middle of a brisé? I don't think so. These uniforms are virtually injury proof and our boys will be just fine!"