MSU - It's a Gas!

Spartans! What is your occupation?

Hooray for offeason shenanigans! While this story is not officially football related, any chance to take a potshot at Sparty is never too off-topic. Today, 28 MSU students were arrested at a massive party for assaulting police officers. The officers had to teargas the crowd in order to break up the mayhem.

Do they think they're Ohio State or something?

Allegations of Steroids Shame Sparty.

When looking at the forty-four inch guns on Sparty the Spartan, one can't help but think that he has a little extra "help" with maintaining his physique. This week, a bipartisan committee has confirmed that Sparty does indeed take anabolic steroids to enhance his performance as Michigan State's mascot.

"I know it's wrong," sobbed Sparty, "but I just can't help myself."

"I'm the only highly rated part of Michigan State athletics. Football is a joke, we haven't been a force on the court lately - but I'm always in contention for the mascot of the year! They needed me, dammit! THEY NEEDED ME! MAKE PLAYS!"

"It's such a bummer to hear this," said the Nittany Lion. "He's not only shaming his university, which was shameful to begin with - but he's giving a bad name to all the ridiculously over-muscular mascots out there who try really hard to keep fans happy and lift their team's spirits. It's a sad day out there for all of us."

Hip-Hip-Hair-ray for Brian Hoyer!

It's official: Brian Hoyer, the new MSU quarterback, is quickly losing his hair. I feel bad for this guy, even though he does play for the Spartans. No college quarterback should be losing his hair during the best part of his life. This is Hoyer's greatest opportunity to get some serious co-ed funtime, and his humongo forehead might seriously impede this.

Brian Hoyer, I'ma do you a favor. Here are some new looks for you that you can try out instead of the old "I'm losing my hair, so let's buzz it and hope nobody notices" trick.

This is standard issue Brian Hoyer. Pretty meh looking and needs a little excitement in his coif.










The James Brown: Brian, if it worked for the Godfather of Soul, it can work for you. After you get sacked, you can pop up again, yell "OWWWWWWWWWW! I feeeeeeeeeel good!" and then one of the assitants can come over and put a cape on you...it will be awesome.







The 70's Pimp: With this haircut, when you're calling plays in the huddle, you can say cool things like "I'm not a snitch - I'm an urban informant." Plus, it's extra padding inside your helmet for when you get nailed by a linebacker. Fashion and function.








The Beethoven: Nothing commands respect like a big fluffy mass of gray hair. You can look distinguished and eccentric at the same time, plus it's great for tossing passionately when you want to write a song about how much your team is going to suck this season.







The Brian Setzer: It's a fun mixture of surfer dude attitude and 50's rockabilly rebelliousness. It'll be perfect for when you're jumping, jiving, and wailing under a big pile of defensive tackles.










The 80's Punk: Take your helmet off and ram someone headfirst to cause some serious damage.










Brian, I hope this helps. Remember - if you do well at MSU you might become a free agent in the NFL someday and be able to afford some plugs!