Notre Dame DL Caught Red Hand-ed!

WWJD? Certainly Not This.

Notre Dame's defensive line took a hit this week as projected DT starter Derrell Hand was suspended from the team after he was caught in a prostitution sting. You should have used your hand, Hand! Too bad for the guy - he didn't get screwed...but most likely, his scholarship and chances to play college ball did.

"I understand how hard it is to resist temptation," said ND coach Charlie Weis. "Derrell probably felt the same thing looking at those skanky whores as I do when I look at a big juicy hot dog. It's hard to say no!"

On the Autumn Thunder soap box for a second - if you're a projected starting player for the college football program who some would claim is "America's team" and you can't get laid without coughing up some dough, something is wrong. Is this guy a total idiot? All he has to do is walk up to any woman in South Bend and say 5 magic words: "I-PLAY-FOR-THE-IRISH." BOOM! Pants on the ground. If touchdown Jesus is rockin', don't come a knockin.'

Notre Dame Cover Boys!

You Should Work On Your Throat Muscles So You Choke Less.

When I snuck away from my desk at work the other day to get a bag of pretzels from the deli next door, I noticed on the magazine rack the cover of Men's Health featured Notre Dame poster boy Brady Quinn, flaunting his abs with an unjustifiably smug look on his face. I was disgusted and started to head back upstairs since my appetite was lost. But then I saw this on the way out:

Warning: May Cause Vomiting And Epileptic Seizures.

I had to take the rest of the day off. My ability to think straight was completely destroyed and that horrible, horrible image will be forever burned in my mind. Oh, the humanity!