If You Build It, They Will Pay.

Dollaz never sits down on the job, dawg.

Along with the luxury boxes which will be up by 2010, Big Billy Dollaz has found another way to generate a little bit of extra cash for the athletic department: seats with chairbacks. Wealthy Michigan fans will no longer have to endure three hours of lower-lumbar discomfort and can lean back without getting a knee in the spine like the rest of the average Joes at Michigan Stadium. While the chairback seats have not received the same amount of attention as the luxury boxes, they are still a luxury worth considering if one has a measly $2,000 per seat lying around.

Dollaz sees the value in these "small luxuries" and upon the advice of his financial advisor, Nick Elandime, plans to expand on the program.

"Yo yo yo! If a chair ain't got no back, that shizzle is wack!" Explained Dollaz. "This is just the tip of the iceberg, dawg. I'ma start charging for a whole lot more for the little niceties in life, like Oxygen. Fans that be wantin' some 02 in their section of the stadium are gonna have to donate $0.001/per breath taken inside the Big House starting in the 2009 season. Also, if fans want to wear jackets past September, there will be a $5.00 per coat per quarter of football surcharge. Those puffy jackets cramp up the stadium, which means I can't sell as many tickets because it's too crowded. This will make up for lost revenue. Wooooooooooooooooooooood up!"

Who Does Dollaz Love The Most?

Damn ladies! You both look fine as hell! What's a playa to do? Shizzle!

These days, Big Billy Dollaz has a dilemma - he has to make it rain for both Rodriguez and Beilein, but money doesn't grow on trees. On one hand, Dollaz is now obliged to help Rich Rodriguez pay off his WVU buyout. On the other hand, he has promised John Beilein that he would overhaul Crisler Arena. I know Dollaz is a master funderaiser and somewhat of a fiscal boy-wonder, but this is a lot of cash. Either Rodriguez or Beilein is going to get the shaft here.

I think we all know which one is going to get it.

There are three reasons why John Beilein is going to suffer because of Rodriguez's buyout.

1) John Beilein is not as attractive as a coach right now and will be put on the backburner. After a really poor first year at Michigan, Beilein's stock has dropped since his tenure ended at WVU. It is likely that the upcoming basketball season will be a tough one, and that Beilein will be labled as "not getting the job done." If there ever was a year for Dollaz to stall on appeasing Beilein, this is the year. Beilein has no leverage.

2) Football is king at Michigan, and Dollaz is very cognizant of the program that is going to bring the athletic department the most loot. Rodriguez will be kept happy in order for the team to be running on all cylindars and bringing home the bacon at full capacity.

3) Rich Rod is more aggressive. He seems like the type of guy who will never let someone else get in the way of what he wants or something he thinks he deserves.

So, Coach Beilein...hope you're good with a broom and dustpan.

Thoughts?

Bill Martin Announces Funding Plan For Crisler Renovations.

In a move that shocked many today, Bill Martin has announced his plans to fund the renovations to Crisler Arena:

A bomb-ass bake sale.

"Yo yo yooooooooooooo! We're gon' do this the old school way. And by old school, I mean elementary school." remarked Big Billy Dollaz. "Check me! When you were in fifth grade and needed to raise some money to go on your class trip, what did y'all do? You got yoself into the kitchen and started making brownies! True? True. So we're doing that, only we're takin' it to the next level. Shizzle!"

When asked how the bomb-ass bake sale would raise nearly 40 million dollars, Martin replied, "Aight, Aight, I got it covered. I know we'll hit the mark. I already got an order from South Bend, Indiana from an anonymous buyer for 5 million dollars' worth of double chocolate chunk cookies. Pretty soon we'll be able to make it rain faster than Pac at a bachelor party. WORD!"

I Wonder If He Knew It Was Me!

Gary, Big Billy Dollaz, and the Cowbell Commander

A few weeks ago I was fortunate enough to go to the NYC stop of the Rich Rodriguez on the Road tour. While I was there, I couldn't resist the opportunity get a picture with Big Billy Dollaz himself. I didn't have the cojones to ask for a solo picture with BBD because of the large crowd and general chaos which was following Dollaz wherever he went, but thankfully AT VIP Gary played Kramer to my Jerry and we got a picture for the ages.

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah boyeeeeeeeee!

Will Big Billy Dollaz Make It Rain For RichRod?

Buyout shmuyout, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah booyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

By now, most of us know that Rich Rodriguez's deposition has been released for our reading pleasure. Will this solve anything? While I have no legal experience, my gut leads me to believe:

1) Neither Rodriguez or WVU is going to budge on their stance in the near future.
2) After much bitterness and lawyer's fees, Rodriguez and WVU will eventually just settle the buyout sometime over the summer and get on with their lives.

Now while the potential settlement will probably be less than $4,000,000, it will most likely still be a hefty chunk of change. The question is: will Bill Martin throw a few bucks Rodriguez's way in order to soften the blow - and should he be obliged to? Is there any negative ramifications for Michigan if Bill Martin tells Rodriguez he's on his own?

Thoughts por favor.

Rich Rodrig-YESSSSSSSSSS!

Dollaz comes through in the end.

Oh Dollaz! I can't believe you pulled this one off. I apologize for all the photoshopping of you I have done in the last two weeks. Maybe you didn't know what you were doing during the search. Maybe this was all dumb luck. But whatever.

I hereby forgive you for stressing me out for the last month and thank you with the utmost gratitude for this awesome early Christmas gift.

Welcome to Michigan, Rich Rod.

Rich Rod? Re-Guess.

Hey! Let me go! Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!

Well, that certainly would have been awesome. I hope Rich Rod enjoys the raise we just gave him.

The death march to Ron English continues...

Will Bill Martin Steal Christmas?

His brain is two sizes too small.

The search has been on for twenty-three days
And Michigan fans were all in a haze.
"Where is the coach?" Asked Cindy Lou Blue.
"THERE IS A PROCESS!" Yelled back Mary Sue.

He called up Les Miles. He called up Schiano.
He called a wiggy-wam-wumpy-wee-wanno.
But there was no coach for the old Wolverines
And recruiting was heading right to the latrine.

The wait for a coach took joy out of Chad
And Mike Hart and Jake were gloomily sad
Their last days in blue were all but forgot
Because of some dingy-dumb-douche on a yacht.

Good Grief, Bill Martin.

"I killed it! Augghh! Everything I touch gets ruined!"

So, it's been nearly three weeks and Michigan is nowhere close to getting a top-notch coach. What is going wrong here? Don't people want to take this job? Why can't he close a deal?

Some people defend Bill Martin. I can't say I put myself in that camp, although deep down I believe when this mess is all over, we'll have a very exciting shiny new football coach.

But for now...good grief Bill Martin.

Dollaz's Love Boat.

I'm raising my mast! Fershizzle!

It is now official. Les Miles has signed his new deal to be the coach of the LSU Tigers until 2012. While Les Miles and his agent were awaiting a signal from Michigan, where was Big Billy Dollaz?

"Yo Yo Yo! I was gettin' my splish-splash on with Kelly, Stacy, and Kiki!" explained Dollaz.

"Chicks dig old rich dudes at yacht clubs, especially if they're wearing a pimp-tacular captain's hat. People think I should have been taking care of business last weekend. But hold up - partay-ing with dime-ass honeys is my business! What would you rather do? Negotiate on the most important decision in Michigan athletics during your tenure, or put suntan lotion on Kiki? I think we already know the answer to that question, dawg."

"What I'd Love To Be Able To Do Is Clone Him."

When Bill Martin was interviewed this past Saturday, a reporter asked him how he'd ideally like to replace Lloyd Carr.

Martin's answer?

"What I'd love to be able to do is clone him."

Can you imagine the possibilities? I sure can!

Crisler To Have "More Collegiate" Feel.

When he gets done pimping Crisler, it will be off the chain.

It's been no secret that many people have been unsatisfied with Bill Martin's somewhat lackadaisical efforts to renovate the badly aging Crisler Arena. For years, Martin has sidestepped the facility in order to work on other higher-profile projects such as Michigan Stadium's luxury boxes or the new football practice facility. But it appears that Martin has finally come to terms with the griping basketball fans and has a plan to renovate the building.

"Yo Yo Yo! Big Billy Dollaz is gonna REP-RE-SENT for Crisler Arena!" said Martin. "My peeps are saying that The Crise' is lookin' like a dankity-dank basement. Well I'm all over that. I'm going to take care of this singlehandly. Just Dollaz and his blood, sweat, and tears. I don't need any whack construction crews messing up my plans."

"I'm gonna make Crisler have a real collegiate feel to it. And by collegiate, I mean like a pimped-out collegiate dorm room. Roll with me on this. First of all, I'm gonna get rid of all the overhead lighting and replace it with a lava lamp. Shizzle! Can you imagine how sweet it will be to hoop it up under some pyschadelic mood lighting? But it will only be one lava lamp, because I need to save money for my other ideas."

"I'm also gonna hang up some fly-ass Christmas lights. You know how some well-placed Christmas lights can really get the good viiiiibes going! I'm gonna go all out on these babies and spare no expense. I'ma get the ones that twinkle, do the chase, and gradually dim in and out. Awwwwwwwww yeah. Can you see where I'm going with this? Combine the Christmas lights with the lava lamp, and I guarantee there will be lots of scoring in Crisler. This technique works wonders in frat houses, so I don't see any reason this classic combo can't bring magic to the court."

"I'm also gonna hang up some posters. You know, a few dorm-room classics. A beer poster here, a Three Stooges golfing poster there, an Animal House "College" poster on the ceiling held up with sticky tack, and I'll sprinkle around some various posters of hot women in skimpy outfits for good measure. Big Billy Dollaz will not let anyone down with the decor. What Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!"

The Cowbell Commander personally can't wait for these renovations to take place. The new look of Crisler Arena combined with Belein's new b-ball system is a guaranteed winner.

Big Billy Dollaz's Punch Out!

This game is rated D for Dollaz!

Big Billy Dollaz has once again shocked the Michigan community with the release of his new video game "Big Billy Dollaz's Punch Out."

"Yo Yo Yo! I've been droppin' Franklins and Hamiltons left and right lately. All the scrappin' and stuntin' our boys have been doin' has burned a hole in my pocket. Lawyers fees, bail money, silencing the press...damn! I needed to make some quick cash. My liquid gold fountain in my office was starting to dry up, and son, you never, never front on a man's liquid gold fountain." said Dollaz.

"So I licensed this video game. I figured with all the punches our boys have been throwing over the last few weeks, this game would be tighter than Mary Sue Coleman's ass in a press conference. Forshizzle!"

Punching him in the stomach does nothing - too much flab in the way.

"The first opponent you face is Flubber McGobbles. He's an Irish guy who kinda looks like Charlie Weis, but is most certainly not Charlie Weis, due to all that legal shizzle. He's rated really high in the game, but he never lives up to the hype."

He's a crafty one! Punch him in the brain!

"You'll also duke it out with Shifty Vesterson. He uses really good strategy in each bout and winning against him is never easy. What's that? Did you say he looks like Jim Tressel? Hellz naw! Any likeness is purely coincidental, homeslice!"

Punch him in the mouth before he causes massive damage!

"One of the toughest opponents in my game is Yappy Gumflaps. Look how big his head is! He comes out really pumped up, and he taunts you a lot. For some reason, beating him is extra satisfying these days. Oh, and he is definitely not Jim Harbaugh. Word."

Controversial or not - I am buying this game tomorrow! It will be a nice change from NCAA 2008.

Michigan Gets Screwed In ND Series Renewal Deal.

Autumn Thunder has the exclusive transcript of the Michigan / Notre Dame series renewal conversation between Big Billy Dollaz and Kevin White (aka K-Money). Behold how it all went down and how Bill Martin got the losing end of the stick...

Yo Yo Yo! Whats up K-Money? Let's get down to biz-nass. We have to renew our series! I got bills to pay, my man. Babymama bills, automobills, stadium renovation bills... Plus, I want to go to the Gandy Dancer a few times tomorrow. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a few times for a snackaroonie, dig? What do you think?








Yeah man. I need some serious bread too. Our ludicrously self -indulgent NBC contract isn't enough to afford all that gold paint we go through every year. Plus, Charlie's hot-dog expenses have been off the hook. And now that you convinced Adidas to give you the most loot to wear their threads my contract with them doesn't seem like all that and a bag of chips anymore. I think we should extend this contract for 20 more years.







FOR SHIZZLE!!!












For shizzle. All you have to do is take me out for a nice meal and I'll renew the series. You ever hear of Mendy's? It's a great place. You'll love the swordfish. It's spectacular!

Later, at Mendy's...

You know what Dollaz? I'm not that hungry. I think I'll just have the soup.












Alright, whatev. But this still counts as the meal, my home-skillet.












No way! Soup isn't a meal! What are you trying to pull here Dollaz? I give you a perfectly good series renewal and you can't even buy me a meal?











Don't play games with me, K-Money! This is the meal! That's it! Nobody gets the best of Big Billy Dollaz!











Alright, this is the meal. But now, we get home field advantage in our favor for the hardest games on our schedule from now on.












Shizzle.













And there you have it, AT fans. Did BBD make the right move? We'll see.

Big Billy Dollaz: Spendin' Cheese!

Duderstadt Center + Yost Ice Arena = New Practice Facility

Late last week, the regents at U of M approved a new $26.1 mm practice facility for the football team. Who do we have to thank? None other than Big Billy Dollaz, who dipped into his seemingly endless bank account to pull off this construction project.

"Yo! I'm totally hyped over this project. Can you imagine the bikini foam parties...I mean fundraisers I can have in here? Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeah."

The Lobby As BBD Envisions It. Keepin' It Economical, Bitches!

"I want our boys to be comfortable," said Dollaz. They'll have the finest fitness equipment money can buy. Hell, I'll have fitness equipment invented and priced so high no other college football program will never be able to afford it. They'll have all the amenities a young male athlete could ever ask for. Trust me, our team will be taken care of."

BBD Interviews Masseuses For The New Facility.

"Some people complain that I'm neglecting other sports at Michigan, and just giving them the football team's old hand-me-downs instead of funding their programs adequately. That's whack, yo! I'm totally hooking all our sports team on the level," said Dollaz.

BBD Totally Hooking Up The Women's B-Ball Team.

What will Dollaz spend on next? Hopefully my electric bill. Air conditioning is killing the Cowbell Commander this summer.

Big Billy Dollaz Strikes Again!

"All Day I Dream About Spending!"

Relatively quiet since scheduling Appalachian State as the Wolverine's opener, Big Billy Dollaz has created quite a stir in the Michigan community by signing a deal with Adidas to provide all sports apparal to the Wolverine sports teams. The deal with Adidas nearly doubles the money Nike was currently paying Michigan for the right to outfit student athletes.

"Yo! When you build new stadium upgrades, you have to pay with cash - not with swoosh." Remarked Dollaz. "Just do it? How about 'just blew it?' Those chumps at Nike are old news. It's all about the dollaz, baby! BOOYAH!"

Bill Martin Announces Final Two Games of 2008 Schedule!

You know what time it is. Time for weak opponents. Yeah Booooy!

Just when you thought Big Billy Dollaz was gonna tone things down and start 'keepin' it real,' he fronts on you something fierce. First, Martin scheduled Toledo to fill the open game on October 11, 2008.

But Dollaz didn't stop there. Dollaz made the August 30, 2008 opening opponent a guaranteed gimme: Mr. Jingles the kitty cat.

Michigan will definitely beat Mr. Jingles. He looks like such a pussy!

If Mr. Jingles should not be able to make it to Ann Arbor, Dollaz also is working on a possible September 20th game against the St. Mary's Nunnery recreational football team as a contingency.

Chances Michigan Will Lose? Slim to Nun.

Keep checking Autumn Thunder for more updates on what Big Billy Dollaz is up to. In the meanwhile, just grimace and scowl with the Cowbell Commander as you think about paying for your season tickets next year.

MTV names Bill Martin to host new show: "Pimp My Athletic Complex."

Move over, X. There's a new pimp in town - Bill Martin, or as his fans in the business development world know him, Big Billy Dollaz. Impressed with the way Dollaz is handling the renovations and additions to the University of Michigan athletic complex, MTV has devoted a new show to college athletics upgrades with the 18-24 demographic in mind.

"Dawg, it was mad crunk what I did to Michigan Stadium," quoted Dollaz. "At first, the luxury boxes seemed like all I was going to do. But then I was like 'Aw hellllllllllz naw! Let's kick it up a whole 'notha level.' So I put platinum spinner 22 inch rims all around the stadium, and if the noise isn't loud enough with the champagne rooms (luxury boxes) I added, I had 10,000 watt subwoofers installed all across the sidelines. Next, I'm gonna put personal DVD players in the back of the benches and smoothie machines on top of all the urinals in the men's room. This House used to be a hoopty, but now it's gonna be hype! Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh Boooooooooooy!"