Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Michigan Gets Screwed In ND Series Renewal Deal.

Autumn Thunder has the exclusive transcript of the Michigan / Notre Dame series renewal conversation between Big Billy Dollaz and Kevin White (aka K-Money). Behold how it all went down and how Bill Martin got the losing end of the stick...

Yo Yo Yo! Whats up K-Money? Let's get down to biz-nass. We have to renew our series! I got bills to pay, my man. Babymama bills, automobills, stadium renovation bills... Plus, I want to go to the Gandy Dancer a few times tomorrow. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a few times for a snackaroonie, dig? What do you think?








Yeah man. I need some serious bread too. Our ludicrously self -indulgent NBC contract isn't enough to afford all that gold paint we go through every year. Plus, Charlie's hot-dog expenses have been off the hook. And now that you convinced Adidas to give you the most loot to wear their threads my contract with them doesn't seem like all that and a bag of chips anymore. I think we should extend this contract for 20 more years.







FOR SHIZZLE!!!












For shizzle. All you have to do is take me out for a nice meal and I'll renew the series. You ever hear of Mendy's? It's a great place. You'll love the swordfish. It's spectacular!












Later, at Mendy's...

You know what Dollaz? I'm not that hungry. I think I'll just have the soup.












Alright, whatev. But this still counts as the meal, my home-skillet.












No way! Soup isn't a meal! What are you trying to pull here Dollaz? I give you a perfectly good series renewal and you can't even buy me a meal?











Don't play games with me, K-Money! This is the meal! That's it! Nobody gets the best of Big Billy Dollaz!











Alright, this is the meal. But now, we get home field advantage in our favor for the hardest games on our schedule from now on.












Shizzle.













And there you have it, AT fans. Did BBD make the right move? We'll see.

Monday, July 30, 2007

McYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

McGuffie, Bitches!

Sam McGuffie has committed to Michigan. Wait, let me say it again - SAM McGUFFIE HAS COMMITED TO MICHIGAN! Oh, the joy! In a little over a year, we will get to see McGuffie jump all over people, spin around a bunch of dudes and then run for 90 yard touchdowns, and bring to Michigan some of that cocky whiteboy gangsta funk that the team has been missing. Hellz yeah! Thank you, Fred Jackson, thank you. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. McRelief at last.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Linday Lohan and Maurice Clarett: Soul Mates?

2007 Bonnie and Clyde?

Do you ever wonder if people are made for each other? The Cowbell Commander sure does. After reading about Lindsay Lohan's arrest yesterday, I can't help but think how much in common she has with ├╝ber-douche Maurice Clarett. I bet that if these two got together, they would find that they could really relate to each other, and fall in love. Yes, that's right. Keep reading.

What does a spoiled Hollywood party girl have in common with a thug from Ohio? Hear me out for a minute.

First of all, these two were on the verge of blowing up their careers, made some bad decisions, and seriously derailed themselves from the successful paths laying in front of them. Get the small violins ready, folks.

After "Mean Girls", Lohan became America's jail bait princess. She was appearing everywhere in tabloids, getting lots of media attention, and was being offered an increased array of roles on screen. Yet, the lure of the Tinseltown party scene was too much for Lohan to handle and she single-nostriledly dismantled her career snort by snort.

Clarett was the victim of a different seductress - greed. Over $10,000 in illegal booster gifts were stolen out of a car Clarett borrowed and he was excommunicated from the OSU football factory without so much as a goodbye.

If Lindsay and Maurice got together for some lattes at Starbucks, they'd surely reminisce about all the good times in their lives before they seriously screwed themselves over and destroyed their chances a normal young adulthood.

Second, both Clarett and Lohan had multiple chances to get their acts straight, but chose to stay on the dark side. It wasn't just one bad choice that got them where they are today - they had the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and missed the lesson.

Clarett was given a second chance at football when the Denver Broncos drafted him in 2005 (even though he was quickly and unceremoniously cut from the team) and after his release following his first arrest in 2006. But hey, what can you say? It's hard to separate a man and his firearms.

Lohan went to rehab in February 2007, but she still didn't learn to stop powdering her nose in public. In April of this same year, she was publicly admonished by Hollywood executives for her flagrant unprofessionalism while acting in the crap-tacular "Georgia Rule," and a few days ago, Lohan was slapped with her second DUI and possession of her white powdery friend. Learn from your mistakes already!

They might seem like polar opposites. Lohan soft and feminine, glitzy and in the limelight. Clarett hard, dark, and gritty. But, I think that these two would make quite that handsome couple if the opportunity presented itself, don't you?

Monday, July 23, 2007

Big Billy Dollaz: Spendin' Cheese!

Duderstadt Center + Yost Ice Arena = New Practice Facility

Late last week, the regents at U of M approved a new $26.1 mm practice facility for the football team. Who do we have to thank? None other than Big Billy Dollaz, who dipped into his seemingly endless bank account to pull off this construction project.

"Yo! I'm totally hyped over this project. Can you imagine the bikini foam parties...I mean fundraisers I can have in here? Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeah."

The Lobby As BBD Envisions It. Keepin' It Economical, Bitches!

"I want our boys to be comfortable," said Dollaz. They'll have the finest fitness equipment money can buy. Hell, I'll have fitness equipment invented and priced so high no other college football program will never be able to afford it. They'll have all the amenities a young male athlete could ever ask for. Trust me, our team will be taken care of."

BBD Interviews Masseuses For The New Facility.

"Some people complain that I'm neglecting other sports at Michigan, and just giving them the football team's old hand-me-downs instead of funding their programs adequately. That's whack, yo! I'm totally hooking all our sports team on the level," said Dollaz.

BBD Totally Hooking Up The Women's B-Ball Team.

What will Dollaz spend on next? Hopefully my electric bill. Air conditioning is killing the Cowbell Commander this summer.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Notre Dame Cover Boys!

You Should Work On Your Throat Muscles So You Choke Less.

When I snuck away from my desk at work the other day to get a bag of pretzels from the deli next door, I noticed on the magazine rack the cover of Men's Health featured Notre Dame poster boy Brady Quinn, flaunting his abs with an unjustifiably smug look on his face. I was disgusted and started to head back upstairs since my appetite was lost. But then I saw this on the way out:

Warning: May Cause Vomiting And Epileptic Seizures.

I had to take the rest of the day off. My ability to think straight was completely destroyed and that horrible, horrible image will be forever burned in my mind. Oh, the humanity!

Dear Sam...

Dear Sam,

Hope life is good down in Texas! You don't know me, and the chance is slim that the two of us will actually meet in person. But rest assured, I have been reading every article, watching every home video of you jumping over defenders synched to bad rap music, and generally obsessing about your possible commitment to the best college football team in the universe. I heard you enjoyed your trip to Michigan 2 weeks ago and I'm sure you heard lots of great things about life as a Wolverine. As a proud Michigan grad, I want to share with you some of the things about Michigan and the great city of Ann Arbor which made college so wonderful. In no particular order...


Gorgeous Campus: Whether it's spring and the flowers in the Diag are in full bloom, summer and the birds are singing in the trees early in the morning, fall and the leaves are exploding with color, or winter and the landscape is blanketed in virginal white snow, Ann Arbor is gorgeous. We have great traditional-style campus buildings like the Law Quad, Michigan Union, and West Quad, and we have new, ultra modern buildings like the Duderstadt Center on North Campus. Once you arrive on campus, you'll never want to leave.






Proximity To The D: You like baseball? How about those Tigers? Basketball? Meet the Pistons. Hockey? It's Hockeytown USA! Football? We have...U of M! 3 out of 4 ain't bad!





National Television Exposure: Michigan football is on TV ALOT. The more people see you, the more people will be astounded by your awesomeness and you will become a national sensation.



Friendly MidWesterners: You'll never meet a friendlier group of people than the MidWestern folk. You'll feel like you know everyone right when you get here!





Great Traditions: Michigan is abundant with tradition and pageantry. The Little Brown Jug, The Michigan Marching Band, "Those Who Stay Will Be Champions"... Michigan has one of the oldest football programs in the country and has an air of grandeur, history, and passion that few other programs can match.











A Financially Loaded Athletic Department: You can't spell money without M. Forbes recently named Michigan one of the top 5 most valuable college football programs, and cited that Michigan leads the nation in revenue per game. Cha-Ching!




An A.D. Who's Not Afraid To Spend On Facilities: Bill Martin, Michigan's Athletic Director (who I like to refer to as Big Billy Dollaz) has dropped a serious wad of dough to make Michigan one of the the best places to play college ball in the country. Can you imagine yourself leaping over linebackers in a newly renovated Big House?





A History of Producing NFL Talent: Look at the NFL rosters and you'll find a Wolverine nearly everywhere you look. Just think - future recruits will consider Michigan based on the fact that you went there and that you made it to the NFL! You'll be a hero to millions of kids across the country.







Pizza House: Sam, I know you're a healthy eater. But when you get the munchies, you will love this place. It's open late, the staff is friendly, and it makes the best pizza you've never tasted. The cheesy breadsticks are to die for. Can you picture yourself hanging out late at night talking with your teammates about life, love, and football while chowing down on some delicious pizza and having a Coke or two? Good times guaranteed.





Oberon Beer When You're 21: Let's keep it real, Sam. You're probably going to drink while you're on campus before your 21st birthday. When you do, make sure it's one of these - the tastiest beer known to man. Only in the upper MidWestern states can you find this perfect summertime nectar. So, so, soooooooooo gooooooooood!






Michigan Football Fans: We're classy, passionate, and fun. We know how to have a good time without crossing the line. We don't set things on fire or loot. We'll get two friends and write S-A-M on our chests with blue paint. We'll buy your jersey from The M-Den. We'll be loyal, and watch you in the NFL after you graduate.



Huge Alumni Fanbase: Sam, when we graduate, we never stop watching football. Our passion for the game and our team intensifies, because it's a constant reminder of how we spent the happiest, most carefree years of our lives. We remain connected to the University forever and the bond you can share with a total stranger when you find out they went to Michigan is incredibly awesome.




The Best Helmet in Sports: When people see this helmet, they know they're seeing greatness. You shouldn't wear a helmet that signifies any less. You'll look like a total badass in this helmet! Linebackers and safties will see the three stripes going down the back and sigh as you buzz around and over them.




The Tri-Delt Girls: You'll get so much booty from these ladies you won't know what to do with yourself. Be forewarned though - most of these girls have had more balls in their mouth than a Hungry Hungry Hippo, so be smart and "use the proper coverage!"




The Greatest Fight Song Ever: You can probably hear it playing in your mind right now as you envision yourself crossing the goal line for the first time and feeling the power of 107,000 fans scream your name before the break into the chorus. "Hail to the victors valiant..."




The Best Rivalry In Sports: You're a superstar, Sam, and superstars belong on the biggest stage so they can shine for everyone. The Michigan/OSU game is watched by more people than any other college football game every year. How many games will you win for Michigan?



So, basically, I think you're frickin awesome and REALLY want to see you in the Maize and Blue next year. You'll be the jewel of the recruiting class, and if you join the team, I promise that I will post countless crappy photoshops of you doing really awesome stuff. No matter what happens with your commitment, I'll always be a fan.

Kindest Regards,

The Cowbell Commander.

Monday, July 16, 2007

2007 Golden Ufers: The Dance Team Award For Best Looking Meeeechigan Football Blog.

Why Do They Always Have To Be On The Opposite Side Of The Stadium? Whyyyyyy?

A fine looking blog is something to be proud of. Not to say looks are everything - the Cowbell Commander is one homely fellow (hence the anonymous picture) and I know that the content is what matters. Nonetheless, we, the readers of the Michigan Blogosphere, have a number of outstanding blog templates to see on a daily basis. Which one is your favorite? Vote for the blog you think deserves the Michigan Dance Team Golden Ufer Award, named after that oh-so-fine-looking Michigan Dance Team. Somewhere, up in heaven, the inventor of spandex is smiling down and appreciating his work. The winner will be announced when the voting slows down enough to call it quits.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Harbaugh: Reloaded!

I'm bringin' it back up. All opposed say 'nayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!'

Ever wonder if Harbaugh was right? Almost every Michigan blog, Autumn Thunder included, has thrown their two cents in on this issue - yet nobody has really supported their argument with hard evidence thoroughly yet. In an attempt to provide something of actual value to our little universe, Autumn Thunder proudly presents this marginally crappy analysis of the differences between the majors chosen by players on both the Michigan and Standford football teams. Ahem...

MICHIGAN

Michigan has always prided itself on the student athletes holding themselves to a high standard. We like knowing our boys kick butt on the field and in the classroom. Out of the 118 student athletes listed on mgoblue.com, here are the majors chosen by the players and the corresponding number of players enrolled for each program.

Click the image to read it more good.


american culture 1
biology 1
biopsychology 1
business 2
economics 2
English 1
general studies 36
history 1
kinesiology 3
movement science 1
not shown 25
philosophy 1
physical education 1
psychology 3
spanish 1
sports management / communications 7
undeclared 31

Things to note: The large number of players who don't have their majors identified is detrimental to this analysis - these guys could be nuclear physics majors...but the smart money is on general studies or undeclared. The undeclared amount may be normal - how many freshman know what they want to study right away during their first year? That being said, notice the big lump of dudes in the general studies program? Touche, Harbaugh. Touche indeed.

Hey Vern! What time's practice tomorra?

STANFORD

"College football needs Stanford." Do we really? Probably not. One thing is for sure - there is an enormous amount of overachievers on this team. Just check them out on their website. National Honor Society this. National Merit Scholar that. Awards awards awards blah blah blah. But are their majors that much different than Michigan's?

Only Superman could read this without clicking the image.

classics 1
communication 6
computer science 1
economics 1
engineering 1
english 2
international relations 1
management science / Engineering 6
math / comp sci 1
mechanical engineering 3
not shown 6
philosophy 2
political science 6
public policy 4
Science Technology 9
sociology 2
undeclared 30

Things to note: They only have 82 guys on this team. 30 undeclared? This team seems really confused and many of them seem to have no frickin clue what to do with their futures. Maybe they're all freshmen? Seems fishy to me. Granted, the guys who actually pick majors pick some doozies. But, for every mathematical science / engineering major, there's a communications major there to balance the scale.

What am I doing with my life? Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Is Harbaugh really right? Does Michigan pass kids through easy majors in hopes of keeping them in school? The data seems to support this. Do the Stanford boys have a tougher academic road ahead of them then our Wolverines? By the looks of things - yes. But you know what? In 47 days, Michigan will pound on Appalachian State and Stanford will get abused by UCLA. Take that, you self-righteous nancies!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Nothing of Note Today...

Even if you throw a million touchdown passes to Braylon, we will still hate you.

Michigan got a transfer quarterback, but other than that, there has been no big news. But, I did make this picture of Brady Quinn burning in Hell being attacked by both a grizzly bear and a cobra.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Big Billy Dollaz Strikes Again!

"All Day I Dream About Spending!"

Relatively quiet since scheduling Appalachian State as the Wolverine's opener, Big Billy Dollaz has created quite a stir in the Michigan community by signing a deal with Adidas to provide all sports apparal to the Wolverine sports teams. The deal with Adidas nearly doubles the money Nike was currently paying Michigan for the right to outfit student athletes.

"Yo! When you build new stadium upgrades, you have to pay with cash - not with swoosh." Remarked Dollaz. "Just do it? How about 'just blew it?' Those chumps at Nike are old news. It's all about the dollaz, baby! BOOYAH!"

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

EXTRA! The Cowbell Commander May Die Tonight...

The last face the Cowbell Commander might see. Yowza!

Upon taking Mikey home from a stroll, I was stopped by one of NYPD's finest, who handed me this flyer, and told me to look for Carl, a very dangerous robber who is on the loose and was said to be seen leaving my building. If I don't post for a while, I think it's safe for you all to assume that I have been brutally murdered by Carl and I am probably dismembered and spread around somewhere in Brooklyn.

Go Blue!

Monday, July 9, 2007

Wolverines As Late 80's/Early 90's Rap Songs! 2!

Continuing from Friday's edition, ahem...

WOLVERINES AS LATE 80's/EARLY 90's RAP SONGS! 2!

You've Got To Fight (For Your Right) (performed by The Beastie Boys) - Adrian Arrington

He woke up late for running, he don't wanna go. He asked Lloyd for the day off but Lloyd just said no. Running those stairs made him feel like a jerk. Staying out late got him a whole lot of work! He had to fight - for his right - to paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarty!





Gin and Juice (performed by Snoop Dogg) - Tim Jamison

This was the song that launched Snoop Dogg to superstardom. He had tons of street cred going into "Doggystyle," but when he dropped Gin and Juice on the American public, he became an instant legend. This year, Tim Jamison is like Snoop right before his greatest song ever came out - a badass waiting for his chance to shine and prove to the world how good he really is. Running backs and offensive linemen? He don't love them ho's!




Bust A Move (performed by Young MC) - Mario Manningham

When Mario Manningham busts a double move on a cornerback, consider that sucka burned. Sure, Mario has the speed. He has the hands. He has the cool sounding name. All these attributes and more make him one of the most feared receivers in the game - but the double move is the death blow to many would-be defenders on fields across the nation.



Big Poppa (performed by Biggie) - Jake Long

There are many reasons why Jake Long is the perfect candidate to represent Big Poppa. He's big (granted, not technically a poppa), and he know's that he can dominate any situation he encounters. Just like Biggie, Jake knows he's a stud, and carries himself with a swagger that lets defensive linemen know who's boss. He throws his hands in the air like he's a true player!

Friday, July 6, 2007

Wolverines As Late 80's/Early 90's Rap Songs!

Since moving to Brooklyn, I've been exposed to more rap than usual, which is turning out to be a nice break from the greatest hits of medieval Gregorian chant, yodeling masters, and Kenny G to which I listen daily. As a tribute to my new home, I proudly offer up a handful of Wolverines as my favorite old-school rap songs which best personify them. Ahem...

WOLVERINES AS LATE 80's/EARLY 90's RAP SONGS!

"Parents Just Don't Understand" (performed by Jazzy Jeff and Will Smith) - Carson Butler and Chris Richards.

How can you be dumb enough to a) get trashed and beat some poor kid senseless b) get kicked off one of the best college football teams in the country c) lose your full scholarship to and d) get expelled from one of the finest universities in the world? I bet their parents just don't understand.

"2 Legit 2 Quit" (performed by MC Hammer) - Mike Hart.

While Hammer eventually had to quit the game due to lack of funds, Hart never quits in the game due to lack of determination. Whenever he gets caught by a defensive back, he'll motor on for 5 more yards than any other mortal man should, sorta the way Hammer stretched his careeer to the very last rhyme longer than the music industry expected him to. This song personifies the bravado and the determination of these two men. Just once would I like to see Hart do the hand motions to this song after a touchdown.




"Ice Ice Baby" (performed by Vanilla Ice) - Chad Henne.

When the man gets in rhythm, Chad Henne lights up the field like a candle and rocks the long ball like a vandal. Like Ice, Henne is calm, cool, and collected when he performs, and doesn't get overly excited when he's out there doing his job. He delivers with confidence and swagger. When there's a problem - yo! He'll solve it.








"The Humpty Dance"(performed by Humpty Hump) - Zoltan Mesko.

Why do we love Zoltan so much? Why do we all secretly rejoice when The Humpty Dance comes on the PA system at parties? Once something gets a cult following, fans are quick to jump on the bandwagon and soon, a phenomenon has developed. (Not to say that you aren't worthy of your bandwagon, Zoltan -you rule!) His name is Zoltan. Pronounced with an ol-tan...

 

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