Monday, December 31, 2007

Wheelchair Debate Still Rolling Along.

Gentlemen! Welcome to my newly accessible Big House lair.

If any of you are wondering if there has been any big updates with the Michigan Stadium renovation/disabled access situation, there have been none. So far, no official word has been announced whether or not UM is in compliance with the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act (although UM fervently claims that it is.)

Recently, UM has proposed the installation of 300 wheelchair accessible spots at each opening in the bowl, with the provision that the spots may be replaced with regular seating on an as-available basis.

The Office for Civil Rights rejected this offer because the seating wasn't permanent.

So much for compromise.

Where does the line between common sense and legislation need to be drawn?

Sunday, December 30, 2007

How The Hell Will They Stop Tebow?

Behold the horror of my spread offense! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

In a little less than two days, the Michigan defense will have to try and stop Tim Tebow, who many would argue is the single greatest offensive weapon in college football today. Good luck with that one, fellas. Here are some Tebow-handling tips I would like to offer the Wolverines before the Capital One Bowl on Tuesday.

Distract him with attractive women.

Most of us have seen the pictures of Tim Tebow with Juggy McFakerson floating around the internets. From this, we can deduce that while Tebow has proven himself nigh invulnerable to blitzing linebackers and defensive tackles, he has shown us a weakness: boobies.

Therefor, the Michigan co-eds should do everything in their power to distract Tebow before and during the game. If we can't beat him on the field, we'll target him where any 19 year old man can be exploited.

Pray for A Miracle.

Let's face it. Unless something quite extraordinary happens, Tebow will tear Michigan's defense to shreds. Go into this game with no expectations and you'll probably get through it without major depression afterwards.


Sorry it took so long, but I was really enjoying the time off. Back to work now!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Taking a Holiday Break

Break time!

I am now in my parents' home outside Philadelphia and will have no access to photoshop (and why else would you visit this site?) until the day after Christmas. I'll be back around then with my usual shtick.

Until then, I hope you have a wonderful and safe holiday.

The Cowbell Commander

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Terrelle Pryor: Man; Myth; Gargoyle?

Terrelle Pryor is 6'6," 220 pounds, and fast as hell. He can run the ball, throw with a good zip, and singlehandedly disassemble high school defenses. Where will he end up? Will the lure of RichRod attract him to Michigan? Will be be a Buckeye in two months?

One thing is for sure - wherever he ends up, he'll still look like a gargoyle.

A badass, don't take no crap from anybody, "I'm gonna score 28 points on you just by myself" gargoyle.


Sunday, December 16, 2007


Dollaz comes through in the end.

Oh Dollaz! I can't believe you pulled this one off. I apologize for all the photoshopping of you I have done in the last two weeks. Maybe you didn't know what you were doing during the search. Maybe this was all dumb luck. But whatever.

I hereby forgive you for stressing me out for the last month and thank you with the utmost gratitude for this awesome early Christmas gift.

Welcome to Michigan, Rich Rod.

Rich Rod? Re-Guess.

Hey! Let me go! Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!

Well, that certainly would have been awesome. I hope Rich Rod enjoys the raise we just gave him.

The death march to Ron English continues...

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Will Bill Martin Steal Christmas?

His brain is two sizes too small.

The search has been on for twenty-three days
And Michigan fans were all in a haze.
"Where is the coach?" Asked Cindy Lou Blue.
"THERE IS A PROCESS!" Yelled back Mary Sue.

He called up Les Miles. He called up Schiano.
He called a wiggy-wam-wumpy-wee-wanno.
But there was no coach for the old Wolverines
And recruiting was heading right to the latrine.

The wait for a coach took joy out of Chad
And Mike Hart and Jake were gloomily sad
Their last days in blue were all but forgot
Because of some dingy-dumb-douche on a yacht.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Impeccable Sources Point Towards DeBord.

Say it ain't so! But it IS!

I have it from an impeccably reliable source that Mike DeBord will be new head coach of the Wolverines. This represents a new low in the program's history and possibly that of major college football as well.

Why, Bill Martin? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Photo Credit: Mike DeSimone

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Zoolander Not To Be Michigan Coach.

It's my new look! I call it..."Maize and Blue Steel."

For a while last week, rumors flew around that Sean Payton was being considered for the Michigan coaching job. Those rumors have been put to rest.

"Like, I am totally not going to be the Michigan coach. It's not my fault I'm such a beautiful option, with this perfect bone structure and stylish hairdo. I make too much money in the NFL to leave. And with that money, I'm going to some good in the world. I'm going to open the Sean Payton Institute for Athletic Directors Who Can't Hire Coaches Good."

Good Grief, Bill Martin.

"I killed it! Augghh! Everything I touch gets ruined!"

So, it's been nearly three weeks and Michigan is nowhere close to getting a top-notch coach. What is going wrong here? Don't people want to take this job? Why can't he close a deal?

Some people defend Bill Martin. I can't say I put myself in that camp, although deep down I believe when this mess is all over, we'll have a very exciting shiny new football coach.

But for now...good grief Bill Martin.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Dollaz's Love Boat.

I'm raising my mast! Fershizzle!

It is now official. Les Miles has signed his new deal to be the coach of the LSU Tigers until 2012. While Les Miles and his agent were awaiting a signal from Michigan, where was Big Billy Dollaz?

"Yo Yo Yo! I was gettin' my splish-splash on with Kelly, Stacy, and Kiki!" explained Dollaz.

"Chicks dig old rich dudes at yacht clubs, especially if they're wearing a pimp-tacular captain's hat. People think I should have been taking care of business last weekend. But hold up - partay-ing with dime-ass honeys is my business! What would you rather do? Negotiate on the most important decision in Michigan athletics during your tenure, or put suntan lotion on Kiki? I think we already know the answer to that question, dawg."

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Autumn Thunder Book Club: If I Don't Six.

Not Bad.

"97Alumni", an AT reader, turned me on to this book via the comments section of my review for Meat Market. I bought "If I Don't Six" for a penny off, and for a penny, if nothing else, it was an interesting read for a few subway rides.

The author of this book, Elwood Reid, played for Michigan in the 1980's. Apparently disenchanted with the program, in 1998, Reid wrote a fictional (and possibly disguised, exaggerated, transfigured personal) account of a freshman's first year with The Wolverines.

The main character, Elwood Riley, is an interesting mixture of intellectual, brute, and hoodlum. Riley prides himself on reading philosophy and doing excellently in school, and accordingly never quite fits in with most of the Michigan football team, who Reid depicts as meat-headed jocks with names like Napalm and Kong.

After a few weeks in the program, Riley starts to wonder if there is more to life than football. He starts to gravitate towards a small camp of players who realize that they can't quit the team, but long to escape the program's clutches because they believe they fail to see the benefit from the daily grind. From there, Riley starts making bad decisions like getting in fights with teammates, partying before games, acting insolent towards coaches, and stealing from the locker room. It's not long before his freshman year is filled with turmoil and conflict which ultimately ends with a physical confrontation with one of the coaches.

I thought this would be an inside look at the dark side of Michigan's football program. But, that's not what this book turned out to be. While an interesting and entertaining work of fiction, anyone with hopes to see the program's dirty laundry aired will left wanting. While Riley's character does come off many times as an ungrateful, selfish jerk, at his core, he very well may be representative of some of the feelings freshman college football players have towards life and the game.

Should you buy? It's a penny. Give it a shot if you can find one for less than a quarter.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Giant Douche Vs. Turd Sandwich.

Crappy, even for my standards.

If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, than who is who? Whoever wins, there will be no "Ha Haaaaaaaaaa!" Moment for Michigan fans.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Michigan's Next Head Coach Shall Be Ron English.

My chin is ITCHY!

This is just an educated guess at what will transpire over the next two weeks, but my gut says that Ron English will be Michigan's next head coach. Here's why:

1) He is the only internal candidate which can be respectably considered for the job. DeBord is just NOT an option.
2) Michigan is cheap. The chance to pick up English on a mediocre salary will be appealing.
3) Michigan loves cronyism. The chance to promote one of their own will be appealing.
4) Lloyd Carr was promoted from DC with no head coaching experience.
5) English has proven himself to be able to recruit like crazy, is a motivator, has fire, and can win with good talent.
6) After being the center of controversy and being publicly burned, Michigan will not offer the job to a coach who will turn the job down. They want a low-risk hire this time around.

Any thoughts?

Saturday, December 1, 2007


I am not a crook! CRAP! I mean Michigan coaching candidate!

Okay, what the hell just happened? In a logical world...

1) Man's dream job opens up.
2) Man is said to be top candidate for dream job and will be contacted within a definite time frame for said dream job.
3) Man accepts dream job; can die happy.

But hey, if the 2007 season has taught us anything, it's the unexpected is never impossible.

Screw you, Les Miles. Keep your giant balls and your penalties in Baton Rouge.

Dollaz! Now go get Brian Kelly! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!


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