Autumn Thunder!

I Am a Michigan Man...AGAIN!

2008-12-15T19:37:00.004-05:00

Hello AT Readers,

Great news! No, wait! HOLY FRICKING CRAP! I am going to be a Michigan Man again! Today, I opened my mail to find an acceptance letter from MICHIGAN LAW SCHOOL! Trying to describe my happiness in words is near impossible...I will be back in town before I know it.

Yours truly,

Adam (formerly known as The Cowbell Commander)

They Come and They Go.

2008-09-09T19:54:00.004-04:00

I think I've crossed the finish line...at least for now.

Dear AT Readers,

I know I have been neglecting to blog on a regular basis lately. There is a good reason for this - I am actually more excited about and involved in my own life than obsessing over football players who I will probably never meet.

After a lot of consideration, I have decided to end regular posting on Autumn Thunder. It's not that I don't enjoy blogging anymore - God knows I had a lot of fun writing ridiculous material and polluting the blogosphere with second-rate Photoshop work. But, over the past few months, my life has gotten a lot more interesting and enjoyable outside the blog.

This fall, I'll be running 3 half marathons in 3 different states. I'm also running my first full marathon in Disney World in January. I'm most excited about training for my first Ironman half-triathlon which will be next summer.

There's also a super-secret project which I've been working on for the last few months which I can't discuss publically at this time - but it has the potential to be life-changingly awesome. I'll let you know how that one works out when the time is right.

All these things, combined with the time I spend with my lovely girlfriend and awesome dog leave little time for blogging these days. I don't want to be a sporadic poster and shake things up on an irregular basis - I'd rather leave Autumn Thunder at peace. I'll leave the site open for people to poke around for a while.

I still get a lot of enjoyment out of reading all the wonderful Michigan blogs out there, and will continue to take part in our little universe in the comment sections of the many sites that are way better than mine ever was. The vast blogosphere we have is a fitting tribute to the intelligence, wit, and ingenuity of Michigan football fans, and the love and devotion which our team engenders in all of us.

Thanks J*, for bearing with my blogging and for not being too grumpy when I chose posting and photoshop over you. Thanks for all the Michigan bloggers out there, espcially Brian, who linked my work and inspired me to write in the first place. And most importantly, thank you, AT readers, for making this a very fun part of my life for the last year and half.

For now, I bid you adieu.

Go Blue!

Most sincerely,

Adam aka The Cowbell Commander

If You Build It, They Will Pay.

2008-08-10T22:45:00.006-04:00

Dollaz never sits down on the job, dawg.

Along with the luxury boxes which will be up by 2010, Big Billy Dollaz has found another way to generate a little bit of extra cash for the athletic department: seats with chairbacks. Wealthy Michigan fans will no longer have to endure three hours of lower-lumbar discomfort and can lean back without getting a knee in the spine like the rest of the average Joes at Michigan Stadium. While the chairback seats have not received the same amount of attention as the luxury boxes, they are still a luxury worth considering if one has a measly $2,000 per seat lying around.

Dollaz sees the value in these "small luxuries" and upon the advice of his financial advisor, Nick Elandime, plans to expand on the program.

"Yo yo yo! If a chair ain't got no back, that shizzle is wack!" Explained Dollaz. "This is just the tip of the iceberg, dawg. I'ma start charging for a whole lot more for the little niceties in life, like Oxygen. Fans that be wantin' some 02 in their section of the stadium are gonna have to donate $0.001/per breath taken inside the Big House starting in the 2009 season. Also, if fans want to wear jackets past September, there will be a $5.00 per coat per quarter of football surcharge. Those puffy jackets cramp up the stadium, which means I can't sell as many tickets because it's too crowded. This will make up for lost revenue. Wooooooooooooooooooooood up!"

Too Much Hype For Terrance Taylor?

2008-08-06T00:27:00.007-04:00

Terrance Taylor smaaaaaaaash! Terrance Taylor baaaaaaaaash!

One of the pre-season stories to which we have been subjected most frequently is Terrance Taylor's transformation from cranky fatty to Barwis wunderkind. I'm glad Terrance has bought in to the program, but if he doesn't rip offensive linemen limb from limb this fall on a regular basis, many people may see him as a dissapointment after all the hype over the last few months. On the whole, it is beneficial for college football players to be the subject of pre-season hype, especially before their senior year so they can get some street cred going into the season when NFL scouts will be watching them closer than ever before. But, the higher they are, the farther they can fall.

In 3 short weeks, I hope somebody makes Terrance Taylor angry. Michigan fans will like it when he's angry...

After All That Work...

2008-07-31T21:34:00.003-04:00

So similar - yet so different.

This was a big two weeks for outstandingly-talented yet academically-challenged defensive tackles. After three years trying to become academically eligible, Jerrel Powe has finally made it past the NCAA clearinghouse and can play for the Ole Miss Rebels. On the opposite side of the fence, our "Lion King" Marques Slocum has unfortunately flamed out and will probably not play college football for the forseeable future.

After hitting the books for three long years, Powe is probably a guy who knows what an opportunity like this means to him. If he plays well and doesn't screw up off the field, he is probably going to be a multi-millionaire in 2-3 years. As Brian has mentioned before, some kids are built for one thing and one thing only: football. If not for football, Powe would probably be stuck in a lower-middle-class lifestyle while working as unskilled labor somewhere in the South. Now, because he has a shot to capitalize on his greatest strength, he has the opportunity to live a life that most of us only fantasize of living. Good luck this year, Mr. Powe. You've earned your shot.

Marques Slocum was only two years away from paydirt. He showed promise his freshman year, and if he had solid sophomore and junior seasons, he'd probably be taking home a lion's share of NFL draft money in 2011. I'll never understand some people. All that talent and then they screw it all up. Maybe he'll pop up at a lower-tiered BCS school in a year or two, or some FBS team will take him on next year. He'll have to pass the clearinghouse again, which may be a bar he can't hurdle. Slocum may have destroyed his chances for living the good life - and if he says he regrets the way he acted this summer, I'll be he's not lion.

Who Does Dollaz Love The Most?

2008-07-25T22:11:00.004-04:00

Damn ladies! You both look fine as hell! What's a playa to do? Shizzle!

These days, Big Billy Dollaz has a dilemma - he has to make it rain for both Rodriguez and Beilein, but money doesn't grow on trees. On one hand, Dollaz is now obliged to help Rich Rodriguez pay off his WVU buyout. On the other hand, he has promised John Beilein that he would overhaul Crisler Arena. I know Dollaz is a master funderaiser and somewhat of a fiscal boy-wonder, but this is a lot of cash. Either Rodriguez or Beilein is going to get the shaft here.

I think we all know which one is going to get it.

There are three reasons why John Beilein is going to suffer because of Rodriguez's buyout.

1) John Beilein is not as attractive as a coach right now and will be put on the backburner. After a really poor first year at Michigan, Beilein's stock has dropped since his tenure ended at WVU. It is likely that the upcoming basketball season will be a tough one, and that Beilein will be labled as "not getting the job done." If there ever was a year for Dollaz to stall on appeasing Beilein, this is the year. Beilein has no leverage.

2) Football is king at Michigan, and Dollaz is very cognizant of the program that is going to bring the athletic department the most loot. Rodriguez will be kept happy in order for the team to be running on all cylindars and bringing home the bacon at full capacity.

3) Rich Rod is more aggressive. He seems like the type of guy who will never let someone else get in the way of what he wants or something he thinks he deserves.

So, Coach Beilein...hope you're good with a broom and dustpan.

Thoughts?

Lloyd Carr's All Disciplinary Action Team!

2008-07-19T08:53:00.007-04:00

The long jowls of the law.

In the past few weeks, Brian has posted The All-Lloyd Carr Team, and valiantly attempted to do an Anti-Carr team. Keeping with that spirit, Autumn Thunder proudly presents...

The Lloyd Carr All-Disciplinary-Action Team!

Here are the rules: Players were draftedfor the All-Disciplinary-Action Team based on the knuckleheaded things they did while at Michigan. Any transgressions which occurred after graduation/leaving the program for the NFL/getting kicked off the team will not be considered. This is not a comprehensive list, because not all disciplinary action gets picked up by the meda.

Behold!

Offense:

QB: Brian Griese
Before Griese quarterbacked Michigan to the 1997 National Championship, he had a little incident at Scorekeepers which culminated in his arrest for the felony of malicious destruction of property.
Disciplinary Action: Indefinite suspension (later reinstated, obv.)

RB: Kelly Baraka
Baraka's career was cut short before he really had a chance to shine after his second arrest for possession of Mary Jane.
Disciplinary Action: Kicked off the team; banished to football obscurity.

WR: Adrian Arrington
Adrian Arrington was mired in a controversy which involved domestic abuse and possible grand-theft auto.
Disciplinary Action: Long suspension; many hours of stadium step running.

WR: Mario Manningham
During his third year at Michigan, Manningham couldn't help smoking the magic plant.
Disciplinary Action: 1 game suspension

TE: Carson Butler
Carson Butler was involved in the Saint Patrick's Day massacre where a student was beaten within inches of his life.
Disciplinary Action: Temporarily kicked off team.

LT: Adam Stenavich
Adam Stenavich got a little cranky at a bar one night and was arrested under charges of disorderly conduct.
Disciplinary Action: Suspension

Defense:

DT: Larry Harrison
Larry Harrison was arrested after had a little trouble keeping the mouse in the house. EWW!
Disciplinary Action: Kicked off team; banished to football obscurity.

DE: Eugene Germany
Like Manningham, Germany couldn't say no to dope. While it was unclear if this was the straw that broke the camel's back or it was related to another incident, Germany was kicked off the team after this infraction.
Disciplinary Action: Kicked off team; banished to football obscurity.

CB: Johnny Sears
Aside from sucking, Johnny Sears got caught with pot one too many times.
Disciplinary Action: Kicked off team; banished to football obscurity.

CB: Chris Richards
Richards was the third member of the terrible trio who assualted a student on St. Patrick's Day 2007.
Disciplinary Action: Kicked off team; banished to football obscurity.

I'm sure this list is incomplete...please help me fill in the holes!

NCAA 2009 Reviewed!

2008-07-16T22:33:00.006-04:00

I have taken the first screenshot of McGuffie hurdling somebody. YAAAAAY!

I'm back! I'm still trying to find a workable copy of Photoshop, but I got my computer back from the Geek Squad and posting shall resume on a regular schedule once again.

I rented a copy of NCAA 2009 because every video game store in my neighborhood had sold out of them yesterday. While I haven't tried the online dynasty mode yet because I didn't sign up for XBox Live, the single player mode is enjoyable, though largely the same from previous years. I think the fluid motion animations and wide open game play were a bit over hyped because while the players do move a little better than in year's past, it does not feel substantially different.

As Brian noted earlier, it is nearly impossible to tackle somebody. Sometimes, it seems like every player on the field has a Mike Hart-like tackle-breaking persistence and won't go down without a second tackler. The college atmosphere is emphasized more with gratuitous cut scenes of cheerleaders doing flips and waving the school flag after big plays.

There are a few errors with the Michigan team that I was kind of surprised to see. There are a few players whose numbers are wrong (Steven Threet wears #15, Sam McGuffie wears #34), and most shocking, Sam McGuffie is purple. He looks like a version of Grimace on steroids. He is fast and nimble, though, and I have made him hurdle people multiple times to great delight.

A notably great thing EA Sports did was nail Michigan's away uniforms before they were released to the public. They look just like the ones that were revealed to the world a few days ago, right down to the maize stripes on the side and back.

I'd say this is a solid game, and let's face it...we're all going to buy it anyway.

Who wants to be in the Autumn Thunder online dynasty league? Any takers?

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up...

2008-07-11T10:33:00.001-04:00

Hello AT Readers,

You may wonder where the hell I've been these last two weeks. Unfortunately, my laptop went haywire almost 10 days ago and it is being “repaired” by the Best Buy Geek Squad. I say “repaired” because these idiots wiped my entire hard drive clean while re-installing Windows and removing all the computer gremlins…and they deleted all my programs including my trusty bootlegged copy of Photoshop!

I hope I’ll be back this weekend.

Regrets,

A Great Robot.

2008-06-28T08:34:00.002-04:00

Hennnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I just saw Wall*E last night, and I enthusiastically recommend it without hesitation. It was one of the best movies I've seen in the last few years. After seeing it, I realized Chad Henne was a lot like Wall*E. His heart was always in the right place, and if he screwed something up, you always forgave him because he redeemed himself later. Wall*E and Henne both share a never-say-die attitude which allow them to overcome formidable obstacles, such as defeating evil robots while working with broken parts and defeating the Fighting Illini while working with broken parts, respectively.

Man, I'll miss that robot.

Bill Martin Announces Funding Plan For Crisler Renovations.

2008-06-25T23:32:00.002-04:00

In a move that shocked many today, Bill Martin has announced his plans to fund the renovations to Crisler Arena:

A bomb-ass bake sale.

"Yo yo yooooooooooooo! We're gon' do this the old school way. And by old school, I mean elementary school." remarked Big Billy Dollaz. "Check me! When you were in fifth grade and needed to raise some money to go on your class trip, what did y'all do? You got yoself into the kitchen and started making brownies! True? True. So we're doing that, only we're takin' it to the next level. Shizzle!"

When asked how the bomb-ass bake sale would raise nearly 40 million dollars, Martin replied, "Aight, Aight, I got it covered. I know we'll hit the mark. I already got an order from South Bend, Indiana from an anonymous buyer for 5 million dollars' worth of double chocolate chunk cookies. Pretty soon we'll be able to make it rain faster than Pac at a bachelor party. WORD!"

Really, Really Fat: The Charlie Weis Musical.

2008-06-23T23:45:00.002-04:00

This video is rated F for Fat.

Ah, it's good to be back.

Awesomeness Postponed Until Tonight.

2008-06-23T09:15:00.002-04:00

I tried really hard to get my magnum opus up last night, but I decided it just wasn't ready. Have you ever worked a long time to get something done, missed the deadline, and in the end, rather than submit some half-assed piece of shlock, decide it was better to hold off and present it to the world as you wish it to be seen?

That's what happened this weekend. Check back later tonight. If Mikey's reaction means anything to you, this will be glorious.

Mama Called, I'm Coming Home.

2008-06-19T15:22:00.003-04:00

Hello AT Readers,

It's been a long few weeks for me. Thankfully, life has calmed down and things are getting back to normal. I shall return this Sunday night with a post that will change the face of the Michigan blogosphere forever, probably for the worse.

Stat tuned.

Yours Truley,
CC

Down Periscope.

2008-05-29T21:56:00.003-04:00

Lately, life has gone to the dogs.

AT Readers,

I must confess, these last few days have sucked and I apologize for the lack of content. I'm in the process of moving and my life has been turned upside down. I'm half moved in to a new apartment, still have things in my old one, and basically everything surrounding me is a giant clusterf*ck of disorganization. I hate living like this and don't expect to post much until my life is back in working order. Furthermore, I am working on other extremely important non-blog projects to which I must devote my full attention during the coming weeks. I'll be back around the middle of June.

Rest assured that when I come back, I'm coming back strong. I hope you don't give up on me during my sabbatical - but there are like a million other Michigan blogs for you in the meantime. I'll miss writing more than you'll miss reading.

Yours Truly,

CC

I Wonder If He Knew It Was Me!

2008-05-20T23:38:00.003-04:00

Gary, Big Billy Dollaz, and the Cowbell Commander

A few weeks ago I was fortunate enough to go to the NYC stop of the Rich Rodriguez on the Road tour. While I was there, I couldn't resist the opportunity get a picture with Big Billy Dollaz himself. I didn't have the cojones to ask for a solo picture with BBD because of the large crowd and general chaos which was following Dollaz wherever he went, but thankfully AT VIP Gary played Kramer to my Jerry and we got a picture for the ages.

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah boyeeeeeeeee!

Will Big Billy Dollaz Make It Rain For RichRod?

2008-05-14T23:11:00.004-04:00

Buyout shmuyout, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah booyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

By now, most of us know that Rich Rodriguez's deposition has been released for our reading pleasure. Will this solve anything? While I have no legal experience, my gut leads me to believe:

1) Neither Rodriguez or WVU is going to budge on their stance in the near future.
2) After much bitterness and lawyer's fees, Rodriguez and WVU will eventually just settle the buyout sometime over the summer and get on with their lives.

Now while the potential settlement will probably be less than $4,000,000, it will most likely still be a hefty chunk of change. The question is: will Bill Martin throw a few bucks Rodriguez's way in order to soften the blow - and should he be obliged to? Is there any negative ramifications for Michigan if Bill Martin tells Rodriguez he's on his own?

Thoughts por favor.

Autumn Thunder Book Club: To Hell With Calories.

2008-05-11T19:48:00.004-04:00

There's no excuses for not reading this.

Sorry for the lack of posting this week. I got caught up in a great new book and I just couldn't seem to put it down. What was the captivating material, you ask? It's "To Hell With Calories," a new book written by Charlie Weis describing his exceptional diet and lifestyle. Some people may find some of Weis' favorite recipes unconventional. Take for example, the triple Butterfinger cupcakes topped with melted Swedish Fish (p.47) While the calorie count is nearly 900 per serving, they do sound scrumptious. Other tasty, yet potentially dangerous recipes include the deep-fried M&M encrusted butter sticks and licorice battered in chocolate syrup.

Perhaps the most interesting part of the book is the exercise regimen that accompanies the recipes. Not being one to waste time, Weis advocates doing chin-ups to speed up the workout. "For every chin you have, you get that chin-ups many done per rep. So every time I pull myself up, I count six reps. It really gets you to that post-workout snack much more quickly."

Buy or skip? I say skip. Even though the things Weis says do sound nice, it will probably just get you really bloated, fat, lazy, and let you down in the end.

NCAA 2009 Preview: Recruiting Shenanigans!

2008-05-04T23:30:00.005-04:00

The best players come with a price - your morality.

Autumn Thunder is totally stoked to leak the first bit of news regarding the recruiting features in NCAA 2009: the premier of the Recruiting Shenanigans feature. An anonymous source at EA sports has passed me this unofficial (and admittedly low-quality) screen shot, and to say the least, the recruiting season in NCAA 2009 will be much more entertaining than in years past. While in previous editions, players had to go through five mind-numbing weeks of convincing players to sign their letters of intent based on the virtues of academics, campus lifestyle, playing time and the like, gamers now have more options. Do you think you could have convinced a young man like Ryan Perriloux to sign with you because of campus tradition? Noooooooo. Could guys like Chris Henry and Pacman Jones be persuaded to join your team based on your student section? Ha! Good one.

These days, you need to promise some players a little something extra, and EA is finally incorporating this pink elephant into the recruiting area of their games. Easy professers? Drugs? Guns? It's in the game!

I've Got Beaver Fever!

2008-04-30T23:55:00.003-04:00

Yes, I'm aware it's a groundhog - but it gets the job done well enough.

Move over Mister Simpson, Tim Biakabatuka, and all you other former players with odd but cool names! Shavodrick Beaver has just claimed the title of "greatest name of any Michigan football player, past, present, and future." Shavodrick, you've got it made. You can throw for zero yards a game, get sacked twice a drive, fumble like there's no tomorrow and be king of the three and out - or be the hottest quarterback ever to wear the winged helmet. No matter what you do, people will remember your name forever.

Rod To Score With Beaver!

2008-04-29T15:32:00.005-04:00

Post to come later tonight on the commitment of Shavodrick Beaver...but I had to stake my claim on that horrible pun NOW!

Manningham's Lic Is Sick.

2008-04-27T09:42:00.004-04:00

That's one lic he'll regret for a while

During the past few months, my opinion of Mario Manningham's character has been declining steadily because of all the recent developments in the news. However, when I found out that Manningham scored a six out of fifty on his Wonderlic test, my esteem of the receiver formerly known as The New Math dropped like one of the balls he tried to catch in the Ohio State game.

Mario apparently has two brain cells - one for smoking pot, the other for catching footballs. As long as the NFL team which picks him can keep brain cell numero uno in check, I think things will be alright.

But a six? Good Lord. How did he ever pass a class at Michigan?

He Hath Soldeth His Soul!

2008-04-23T23:23:00.002-04:00

I'll be wearing number 666! Haaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

There's not much that needs to be said at this point, except that Boren is a treacherous, whiny, ungrateful, lazy, sniveling, opportunistic, selfish, disloyal, sucky, stinky, stupid man.

Autumn Thunder Turns One!

2008-04-20T19:49:00.009-04:00

Time really flies when you're having fun. It's hard to believe that it's been a year since my first post on Autumn Thunder. It all started with a man, a bootlegged copy of photoshop, and a dream. Now Autumn Thunder is a multi-hundred dollar enterprise which has earned me four free beers from people who read the site. Capital!

Perhaps many of you reading this post are in the same position I was a little over a year ago - you have an urge to join the college football blogosphere but are unsure as to how to take the first step. My advice? Just take the plunge, baby!

If you're going to make that first post sometime soon, I hope that the lessons I've picked up this year can help you. Here's what I learned during my first year of semi-pro blogging:

The most important rule of blogging in the Michigan blogosphere is knowing that Brian Cook is your personal Jesus. It's true! The man can triple your traffic for a day or two with a single link, and mad traffic is to be had if you can concoct something interesting enough to make his sidebar. Because of his tireless work and his undisputed reign as the best blog in our community, I humbly and willingly accept the fact that one man can largely determine how my work is recieved by others.

So, aside from that, here are a few other quick Do's and Don'ts I would suggest to a newbie blogger:

DO:

1) Have a shtick. Your site is a brand, and people will make return visits when they've identified something that you do which they like. Humor, inspiring prose, photoshop skills, analytical prowess - pick one that you can present well on a regular basis and run with it.
2) Comment on other blogs. Aside from being an active member in the blogosphere, the links you leave in your comments may indirectly bring traffic to your site. How serendipitous!
3) Give props to other bloggers when they post genius work. We don't do it for the money, folks (well...some people are so good that they can) so when you see that a colleague has put up first rate post, let them know that you've noticed and that you admire their efforts. It means a lot to me when I get a congratulatory note from The MZone or MVictors.com in my inbox.
4) Stick to it. Yes, posting 3-4 times a week is sometimes a challenge. But it's quite rewarding, kind of like getting up at 6 AM to run each day. I have mucho respect for the bloggers who play ball week in and week out - and the utmost respect for those who keep it going strong during the nine-month barren wasteland of the off-season.

DON'T:
1) Regurgitate material from official news sources. Since most people who are active blogosphere readers also read the Freep, The Daily, SI.com...etc., re-writing the work of others is both lazy and lame. Blogs are great because of their original thoughts and opinions.
2) Give up after a few months of low traffic. It takes time to build a decent daily following! Though the first month or two may be filled with double digit days, if you post quality material, people will check the site more often than you'd think. If you blog it, they will come.
3) Post and ghost. It's bad blog etiquette to routinely go without posting for long periods of time without notice to your readers. It's one of the surest ways to get deleted from another blogger's blogroll or deleted from a reader's list of daily bookmarks.

I'm no pro by any means, and I still have a lot to learn about amateur sports blogging (like how to get those cool text boxes inside my posts.). But for now, I just want everyone who reads this to know I'm grateful and flattered that you find my work worth your valuable time, and if you have the urge to start your own Michigan football blog, there's no time like the present.

Go Blue!

Simpson's Whereabouts A Mister-y.

2008-04-17T23:03:00.004-04:00

Where do you think you're going, Mister?

Today, a random thought came to mind - whatever happened to our favorite oddly-named running back, Mister Simpson? I checked the Cincinnati Bearcats football roster and Mister is nowhere to be found. I know that he was academically ineligable for the 2007 season, but the roster shows the players for 2008. Did Mister finally call it quits? Does anyone know the real scoop?

Plight of the Pater-gnomes.

2008-04-14T23:43:00.004-04:00

Joe Paterno is an institution in college football - but Penn State's program has been overwhelmingly mediocre during the last decade (save the 2005 season). As most of us know by now, many Nittany Lion fans are clamoring for a regime change. However, Penn State's failure to either a) gracefully remove Paterno from his post b) announce a retirement timeline or c) make a succession plan is going to kill the PSU program. What elite recruit would sign with PSU without knowing what his future will hold? Without a solid recruiting class on a regular basis, any program will flounder. The longer Paterno stays on top with no indication of stepping down, the worse the PSU program will be. This year may mark the beginning of a serious decline in PSU football.

Thoughts?

Men Beware! "Leatherheads" Is A Chick Flick!

2008-04-12T17:47:00.006-04:00

Logically expecting "Leatherheads" to be full of old-timey football hijinks and slapstick hilarity, I was a bit disappointed when I found myself watching a romantic comedy disguised as a movie about 1920's football. The football action was good when it was onscreen and the atmosphere of the prohibition-era was recreated well, but the dialogue was so cheesy even I cringed with disgust - and that's saying a lot!

Movie studio marketing executives, you win this round. Fool me once...shame on you!

Despite "Blazing" Speed, Future Not "Bud"-ding.

2008-04-09T23:34:00.004-04:00

*bubbling noises*

Yes, I know that many people have already covered this today. But you know I couldn't let an opportunity like this to go by and not contribute a little. I hope Manningham gets his act together after he gets drafted somewhere. There's too far too much talent there and money to be made to smoke it all away.

MSU - It's a Gas!

2008-04-06T20:39:00.006-04:00

Spartans! What is your occupation?

Hooray for offeason shenanigans! While this story is not officially football related, any chance to take a potshot at Sparty is never too off-topic. Today, 28 MSU students were arrested at a massive party for assaulting police officers. The officers had to teargas the crowd in order to break up the mayhem.

Do they think they're Ohio State or something?

Who Cares Who The Quarterback Is?

2008-04-04T00:04:00.003-04:00

Truth, Justice, and the Michigan Way!

Over the last few weeks, there have been numerous articles about how Michigan's quarterback status is still unknown, and that even a walk-on might win the job. You know what I say to that?

Who cares who the quarterback is?!? JUST GET THE DAMN BALL TO SAM McGUFFIE!

That's right - no matter which quarterback is playing, we're all better off by letting Sam McGuffie work his whiteboy gangsta magic and hurdle, juke, and spin around people on the way to the end zone.

Offensive line gonna majorly suck this year? It's best to give the ball to a guy who can get the hell out of dodge in the blink of an eye - not let a quarterback stand in the pocket to be eaten alive by a pack of defensive linemen and defensive ends.

People might say the quarterback will be inexperienced and will have trouble learning a whole new offensive system. No worries, good sir. Whoever the quarterback is, they'll only have to learn one play - the handoff to Sam McGuffie.

Sam McGuffie is the answer to every problem which may arise this year. Thank you, Football Jesus, for delivering him to us.

AT Book Club: Every Week A Season.

2008-04-01T21:43:00.006-04:00

Every Week I'm Snoozin'!

In the latest installment of the Autumn Thunder Book Club, I will be reviewing "Every Week A Season," a book by Brian Curtis that chronicles his journey across America during the 2003 football season while he hung out for a week with some of the biggest programs in the nation, such as Wisconsin, LSU, Georgia, Tennessee (you can see all the teams on the cover!), and a host of others. Lloyd Carr wrote the forward - that's probably the most appealing part of the book to a Michigan fan, since Michigan was not chronicled during any of the weeks. I wonder why ([cough cough] Lloyd Carr hates the media [cough cough])?

The potential for this book was huge - but it fell short of what I hoped it would be. I wanted interesting team gossip, a really good description of what the players were like, and something other than the usual cookie cutter "this team is great - rah rah rah" writing that most sports writers are forced to do in exchange for inside access. Every week is presented in the same predictable order:

1) Intro about team and season for team thus far.
2) Talk about coach.
3) Talk about University and surrounding areas.
4) Describe what coaching staff does for a week in meetings and practice
5) Throw in some colorful quotes from media or players.
6) Really boring game recap
7) Conclusion with moral from the coach at the end.

There was nothing really notable in this book, and nothing of substance stayed with me after I finished reading it. It was a literary version of an ESPN "inside look" they play during halftime - semi-interesting for the time being, but completely forgettable when its through.

After the third week, I was ready to put this book down because it was so pedestrian. But dammit, I paid a nickel for it, and I was going to get my money's worth. I chugged through it for a few more subway rides.

Buy or skip? If you're a commuter, are missing football as much as I am, and have a nickel, it can't hurt. Don't buy it if it costs more than a buck.

Boren Myself Thinking of the Possibilities.

2008-03-26T22:44:00.005-04:00

Maybe Boren REALLY left the Wolverines in order to chase a dream of starring in a Hollywood movie.

Or maybe he left in order to record a rock and roll album? Who the hell knows? Oh well...

Good luck, Dann O'Neill! Welcome to the Big Person Table.

Don't Feel Bad About The O-Line....Look At Puppies Instead!

2008-03-25T23:52:00.008-04:00

Why waste time feeling sad or worrying about things you can't control? Rather than get all glum and gloomy over all the abuse our offensive line has taken recently, here are some puppy pictures of Mikey and Woodson you can use to stay on the sunny side of life.

The Chemical Equation for the Eliminaton of Boron Boren.

2008-03-25T22:30:00.003-04:00

Well, never in a million years did I see this one coming. What the hell is going on here? Somebody make sense of it all!

A New Hope for America.

2008-03-25T00:38:00.006-04:00

I don't know about all of you guys, but I am thoroughly unimpressed with the selection of potential candidates for the next President of the United States. Hillary? Brrrrrrr! Barack? Not yet. McCain? Get the oxygen tank ready.

You know what America needs? Hart and Edwards in 2008. How would they handle two of the most important issues?

Diplomacy: As President, Mike Hart would go around to all "little brother" nations of the world and spread cheer and a positive attitude to all.

Finance: Remember how Braylon scored 3 miracle touchdowns against Sparty in '04 when everyone though the game was over? As VP, Braylon could totally pull out a clutch performance and bring the country out of the potential recession.

I'll be expanding more on my Hart/Edwards proposal in coming posts. Think of the possibilities!

Hey Coach, Welcome Aboard.

2008-03-22T09:43:00.004-04:00

The infamous "Madden draws a penis" telestration!

Here's a warm AT welcome to Three and Out, a new Michigan football blog run by an actual football coach (there's a concept!). I think we'll all agree that someone with in-depth football knowledge writing for our little corner of the blogosphere is always a good thing. Thus far, Three and Out has focused on explaining football strategy and has included some good diagrams to make the explanations easier. If you read this blog once in a while, you might say something insightful at a sports bar and sound really smart in front of your friends.

Coach Simmons, welcome to the club. Blog well and blog often!

Happy Easter!

2008-03-22T09:38:00.002-04:00

What? You don't like Hippity-Hop culture?

Happy Easter in advance to all the AT readers out there - may the bunny bring you many cavities this weekend. I'm taking a weekend excursion to my parents' place outside Philly, so I'll be back Monday-ish. Take care till then!

Welcome, New Blogger Comrades!

2008-03-20T23:55:00.008-04:00

It has come to my attention that a new Michigan football blog has popped up: Wolverine Liberation Army. This site seems to be spoofing a concept from the horrible 1980's movie "Red Dawn," in which the heroic group of young rebels defending the Midwest from the invading Commies call themselves "Wolverines." Good luck with your site, and welcome to the Michigan football blogosphere. Now boys....AVENGE ME!!!!! AAAAAA!-VENGE! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Let The Games Begin!

2008-03-20T00:46:00.003-04:00

This is what you have to look forward to...

Gee whiz. Terrelle Pryor is now a Buckeye. Let me get out my box of kleenex and go hug Mikey for comfort. G may have been diplomatic, but diplomacy ain't my bag, baby!

TP, you are now public enemy numero uno of the most tasteless photoshopper in the Michigan blogosphere. You have three years of artwork such as this coming your way. While my future mancrush Sam McGuffie will be depicted slaying dragons and leaping over buildings, I'll have you doing "other things." Congrats.

Spring-alicious!

2008-03-18T21:07:00.003-04:00

RichRod needs to take the edge off his frustration while installing the new offense.

Ah, spring practice is getting underway for our team. Hooray! Reports are that things are a little ugly for now, but they will no doubt improve over the next few weeks and during all of late summer camp.

Spring practice! It's GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!

On a random note, maybe it's just me, but Calvin McGee REALLY looks like Tony the Tiger.

Tell Me Something I Don't Know.

2008-03-17T22:48:00.002-04:00

Ok, so the long-awaited scandalous article has finally arrived. WHAT? FOOTBALL PLAYERS TAKE EASY CLASSES? OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Gimme a freakin' break here.

Brian has written some words. But you don't come here for words, do you?

LiveBlogging: Dumbest Thing Ever?

2008-03-14T00:00:00.011-04:00

Obviously a LiveBlog sympathizer.

Though I have been reading sports blogs online for the better part of three years, I am still a somewhat new contributor to the blogosphere. Throughout my years of reading other amateur writers' work, one thing I have never understood is the LiveBlog. For those of you who don't know what a LiveBlog is, a LiveBlog is when a blogger writes down every single thought that pops into their mind while they experience something (like watching a game on TV). In a nutshell, it's a stream of consciousness posted on someone's blog.

I occasionally read through LiveBlogs when they are posted, and in general, find them to be:

1) Usually not that funny/informative/interesting.
2) Usually too long.
3) Masturbatory.

LiveBlogging is weak. LiveBlogging is a mailed-in effort which does a disservice to a blogger's reputation by exposing their audience to a half-assed piece of work when a blogger could have otherwise taken a little extra time to put something cohesive, compact, and well-planned for their faithful readers to enjoy. Moreover, it seems extremely self-indulgent and somewhat narcissistic.

Bloggers, I know March Madness will soon be in full effect and the temptation to post a LiveBlog or two will arise. I urge you...for the sake of your readers and your own hard-earned reputations...RESIST!

Pryor of Love!

2008-03-11T21:39:00.006-04:00

Airing Sundays right after Rock of Love and Mondays before Flavor of Love!

He's had plenty of time to decide between Richee, Quackee, Vestee, and Wrinkelz, but he has still not made up his mind. Will this be protracted until April 1st? My money says yes. Do I even care at this point? Nyet.

And yet, I watch. He'd fit in perfectly with all the other indecisive primo dons on VH1. Word.

The Nit' Hit The Fan.

2008-03-06T21:42:00.003-05:00

PA Represent! WHATWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

Last year, Michigan looked pretty dumb in the offseason because some of the guys couldn't keep their heads on straight. This year, it appears to be PSU's turn to have a knucklehead offseason, and they might even put up a few points points in the EDSBS Fulmer Cup!

How many days till football?

Hair To The Victors?

2008-03-05T22:21:00.008-05:00

You too can look like this for only $30,000!

Yesterday morning, I overheard two ladies at the office discussing male celebrities who had hair plugs. My ears perked up when I heard the name Tom Brady. Tom Brady? Is the most spectacular football player Michigan ever produced "pluggin' it up?"

I did a little bit of investigative Googling when I got home, and found out that Brady had indeed recently been to a hair clinic in NYC. (That hair clinic is right where my old apartment used to be! Ahhhh, the village...good times.) Anyway, the pictures that day show him styling his hair in "the swoop," which is the go-to style of college guys everywhere who are beginning to see their hairlines recede. Can there be any truth to this? You be the judge.

More importantly, does it really matter if he is getting a little artificial help with his 'do? If I had tons of money and the inclination to have the surgery, I'd do it if I saw a need for it. Good for you, Tom Brady. Man - the offseason must really be getting to me if I'm starting to care about crap like this!

March Bad-ness.

2008-03-02T23:58:00.004-05:00

OFFENSIVE REBOUNDS! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!

Ah, nothing perks up the offseason quite like a good ol' coaching rampage. With a little over six months to go until the season begins, I'll take what I can get.

Mike Hart Still Slow; Still Awesome.

2008-02-27T22:53:00.004-05:00

The NFL combine is over, and Mike Hart had a slow 40 time. Big freakin' surprise there! Was anybody expecting him to burn up the turf?

Mike, even if you're a tad slow, we all still love you.

He's White and Light and That's Alright.

2008-02-26T00:01:00.003-05:00

Who will be McGuffie's Eddie Haskell?

Here's some McFluff to tide you over for a few days. Sure, you may have already read this. But I bet you the other sites didn't have a picture of McGuffie as The Beaver!

Maize and Blue Make Grey?

2008-02-22T10:39:00.005-05:00

I know Beilein is having a tough first year at Michigan...but until I noticed his hair color from the beginning of the year until now, it was not apparent HOW tough.

2007

I'm the new basketball coach at Michigan! YAAAAAAAAY

2008

I'm the new basketball coach at Michigan! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!

Time for some Grecian Five, Coach!

No Decisions Are Easy For Terrelle Pryor.

2008-02-20T22:42:00.004-05:00

SCENE: The lunchline in Jeanette High School is way backed up. Why? Terrelle Pryor has to make a choice, and it is taking seemingly forever.

The inside of Pryor's mind...

'OK. It's time to make the decision. I knew what was on the menu for a long time, and I think I want the fish sticks. But Dad doesn't like fish sticks...he thinks I should go for the Salisbury Steak. But then again, tacos just came onto the menu this morning...oh...let's just think a little longer...nobody will mind...'

(somebody in the back of the line shouts) "Hey! DECIDE ALREADY!"

'How rude. I'll just ignore that. I'm Terrelle Pryor, and I'm going to take my time deciding what I want for lunch, Goddammit. After all, I've been playing basketball lately, which as we all know has a direct impact on my ability to decide these sorts of important matters. I can't be expected to make decisions like most people do. Oh, the pressure is just too much sometimes.'

(someone else yells) "PICK WHAT YOU WANT!"

Then Terrelle speaks up...

"I'd like to make an announcement. I am announcing I am not choosing my lunch at this time. I just want to make the right choice for myself, and I need to weigh the options. I'll decide in a few more weeks. You'll all have to wait until then."

(everyone groans with irritation)

END SCENE.

Autumn Thunder Book Club: What It Takes To Be Number One.

2008-02-17T08:28:00.005-05:00

More like Vince LomBOREdi.

I know the Autumn Thunder book club has been dormant for a while, and I apologize for that. Anyway, the latest installment of the ATBC is "How To Be Number One" by Vince Lombardi, Jr., a book about the values and mottos of his father, Vince Lombardi, Sr. As most of us know, Lombardi was one of the most successful coaches in NFL history, and he had amazing success in Green Bay as he turned around one of the NFL's most hopeless programs into a yearly juggernaut.

He may have been an outstanding coach - but this book suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

Compared to "Bo's Lasting Lessons," the Lombardi book is long-winded, dry, and preachy. It is somewhat impersonal, which is an iceberg which can quickly sink any leadership/motivational book. After reading it, I felt like I just got out of one of those company meetings where the boss tries to pep us up, we all clap at the end, but under our breath we all say "what a load of empty fluff."

Mikey knows "what it takes to take a number one" on my floor quite often.

Buy or skip? Definitely skip. If you want, you can avoid Lombardi Jr.'s cardboard writing and read the speech which made Lombardi famous as a corporate speaker (see thoughts above). If you really want a good leadership/motivational with football anecdotes, my number one choice is still "Bo's Lasting Lessons." I'm not shilling for Bo, John U. Bacon, or Michigan - it's just better in all aspects.

It's Good! To Date! A Michigan Wolverine!

2008-02-13T09:36:00.003-05:00

Look at the love on our faces.

I know it's cheesy/borderline whipped to do this, but I want to take a moment to say...

I am pretty damn lucky to have a charming, funny, pretty, smart, and most importantly, die-hard Michigan football fan as my girlfriend. We met watching football in a NYC sports bar two years ago, became best friends pretty quickly, and then it grew into something special from there. Today marks our second year of dating.

She's pretty much everything a man could want...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand she has SEASON MICHIGAN FOOTBALL TICKETS ON THE 35 YARD LINE TO BOOT!!

I love you, J*. Happy Valeversary :)

Happy Valentine's Day In Advance!

2008-02-12T21:41:00.001-05:00

Oh baby, you're so soft and tender. I could just eat you. Wait...I WILL!

I'd like to wish all you AT readers a Happy Valentine's Day in advance. Valeversary festivities will prevent me from blogging tonight and tomorrow night (Dig this - I was lucky enough to have J* let me combine our anniversary and Valentine's Day celebration into one special night since they are on consecutive days. It's our own "Festivus" of sorts...).

I hope you get to spend time with someone special. If you're single, at least take comfort in the fact that you're not spooning a hot dog. If you are spooning a hot dog...at least make sure the condiments face away from you.

The George Costanza of College Football Recruiting.

2008-02-07T21:18:00.001-05:00

It's not a lie if you believe it, Jerry.

Oh. My. God. I read this story about how Kevin Hart (no relation to Mike Hart), a high-school lineman from Nevada, faked his recruitment by Cal and Oregon for months and just confessed to making everything up. I could not help but compare this moron to my favorite sitcom character of all time - George Costanza.

Remember when George invented Vandelay Industries so he could fool the New York unemployment office into giving him more time to collect his unemployment benefits? Instead of picking Cal and Oregon for his fake recruiting, Kevin Hart should have went for something a little less obvious. Perhaps something like...

Et Tu, Sam?

2008-02-06T20:51:00.001-05:00

Today was supposed to be a joyous day. I woke up to Mikey's wet snout on my face, grabbed him, and said "today's the day we get Sam McGuffie!" Then I got dressed, hopped over the bum in my lobby, and went to work.

All day at work I was sneakily checking Rivals and MGoBlog for the latest updates. I was really depressed after I learned Sam wasn't 100% sure about us.

Losing him would be a slap in the face combined with a kick in the balls. A total shock that really hurts and something you never saw coming. I'd hate to spend the next four years watching him in that ugly mustard and blue uniform wondering what may have been.

Sam - for all that is good in the world...send that letter of intent to Rich Rodriguez tomorrow.

I'm Sooooo Over Diva Recruits.

2008-02-04T23:44:00.000-05:00

Is that Crazy Joe DaVola?

Besides wanting to be a media whore, is there any reason at all why a top recruit would have to delay his announcement until the last possible second?

No. None at all. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Nil. No-ski. Nyet. Nein.

Most of these guys have been hounded by major programs since they were sophomores, have had lots of time to check out schools and take visits, and many of them have full knowledge of where they're going for weeks before signing day. Why then, must they drag this out until signing day?

Two or three years ago, I used to love watching to see where the players would end up, and didn't mind playing the waiting game. But now, I'm a bitter old man who is sick of the extravagant decision making processes and self-glorification of these eighteen-year-old show ponies.

Did Sam McGuffie put on this type needless indulgence into his recruiting? No. That's why I already like him way better than any five star quarterback we may get. Sam McGuffie is a man of action. He proved he was a badass, looked at his options, kept quiet to the media, and made a choice within a reasonable amount of time. That's how it should be done.

Thank God singing day is Wednesday. I'm so over this.

Rodriguez/WVU Pissing Contest To Continue.

2008-01-29T23:00:00.000-05:00

I still have a lot left where this came from!

Today, RichRod offered to pay 1.5 million dollars of his 4 million dollar WVU contract buyout. The intention is that because of this show of good faith, WVU will take the money, call off their dogs, and let RichRod get on with his life at Michigan. The probable result? Ed Pastilong and his one-toothed jug band of lawyers and accountants will tell Rodriguez that he's 2.5 million dollars short and this ridiculous pissing contest will continue.

If this were an actual pissing contest, I think RichRod would surely win. Why, you ask? He would have Barwis train his prostate using the latest scientific methods and transform him into a picture of urinary perfection, capable of both the speed of a sprinter and the endurance of a champion racehorse.

Pryor-itizing The Recruiting Efforts.

2008-01-24T22:54:00.000-05:00

While I can't say for certain what Michigan's recruiting staff is up to these days, I have a feeling it looks a little something like this. Don't you?

I wonder what it must be like to be Terrelle Pryor - having every college football fan hanging on your every word, gesture, and article of clothing in hopes to get the inside scoop on where you're going to go. He probably won't have the world at his feet like this for a long time, if ever again - I can see why he's protracting the experience as long as possible.

But man, I hate waiting for this.

Rod Wants To Get A BJ!

2008-01-24T15:58:00.001-05:00

So there's this new dude in the picture named BJ Daniels, a dual-threat QB out of Tallahassee, FL. He's 6'1'', 201 pounds and is the #8 ranked dual threat QB on Rivals.

I'd be happy to see this kid in a winged helmet if we can't get Terrelle Pryor. Both will probably announce on signing day, so we're all waiting to know if we get a quarter back who fits RichRod's new system no matter what.

Lion On Your Resume Is Never Good.

2008-01-22T21:02:00.000-05:00

Nobody escapes with their dignity! NOBODYYYYYYYY!

I'm a bit late on this, but by know you've heard Scot Loeffler will be coaching Lions' quarterbacks. Sure, the money may have been tempting, and he doesn't have to find a new house and move to a new city. But let's see if he regrets this in about 11 months. I was hoping he'd become an offensive coordinator on a college team - a career path which pays more and usually has more options open. Oh well.

Terrelle Pryor Ridin' Dirty?

2008-01-22T20:40:00.000-05:00

Dude, I've been saving since I was ten years old. Honest.

An interesting post about possible recruiting shenanigans involving Terrelle Pryor went up on MGoBlog today. This wouldn't surprise me one bit. Just step into Ohio State's vest for a moment:

They've lost two national championships in a row...lost national respect for their program and the respect for the conference on a regular basis...and now face the prospect of losing the nation's number one recruit to their dreaded rival? That would be too much for them to handle.

Oh, the tangled web we weave when recruiting...

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease Validate Meeeeeee!

2008-01-21T17:00:00.001-05:00

I need attention to be happy! Look what I can do! Look at meeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hey, have you heard about the college football blog awards? Hint hint. :)

Mallett Fumbles Box In Dorm Room Closet; Causes Massive Flood First Week On Campus!

2008-01-17T17:02:00.001-05:00

According to today’s edition of the Rivals Radio webcast and this article from WholeHogSports.com, Ryan Mallett has had a rough start to his new life in Ar-Kansas.

Apparently, he was moving into his dorm room, and had a catastrophic accident in his closet involving a box and a sprinkler head. Witnesses saw 4 inches of water running out the door and flooding other parts of the dorm. Water also ran out the windows and soaked other student’s rooms.

Several students saw Mallett arguing with the shelf after the incident, and that Mallett was claiming that the shelf did not put enough effort into catching the box after he threw the box up to be caught.

Oh, Mallett.

Up Close With Rich Rodriguez!

2008-01-16T21:36:00.001-05:00

The story has been out for three days and nobody thought of this picture yet? Hellooooooo?!?!?

With all the bad press about the Shredder-Gate floating around, Autumn Thunder is proud to present an interview with Rich Rodriguez with hopes that we will all get to know him better as a person, and not think of him as a cold-hearted football program sabatoging meanie.

CC: Hey thanks for doing this interview!
RR: My pleasure. Just keep it cordial, ok? Make me seem like a nice guy.
CC: You got it. So, what's your favorite Tom Clancy novel?
RR: Easy! The Hunt for Shred October. Oops! Freudian slip there. Don't mind that.
CC: It's all good. What's your favorite Italian dish?
RR: No question there - shred-ucinni Alfredo. Damn! I did it again! I must have something on my mind. Please excuse me.
CC: Think nothing of it. Now then - what is your favorite movie with Julia Roberts?
RR: I loved her in "My Best Friend's Shredding." Wait...DARN! CRAP! What is with me today?
CC: Beats me. Back to the interview, please. I'm quite busy. Who is your favorite horror director?
RR: Al-shred Hitchcock. I mean FRED. Not SHRED. F-R-E-D.
CC: What do you like to put on your nachos?
RR: Jalepeno peppers, red onions, and sharp shredder cheese. Whoops! I DEFINITELY meant cheddar.
CC: Who is your favorite member of Pearl Jam?
RR: Hands down, Eddie Shredder. I should have shred Vedder. I mean said Vedder! D'oh! Sorry, my mind is elsewhere. SHREDDER! SHREDDER! SHREEEEEEEEEDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
CC: It's ok. Do you want to pick this up another time?
RR: Yeah, I think that's best. We'll talk again soon, I'm sure!
CC: Oh, I'll rest a-shred that we will! Thanks!

See? What a nice guy!

Old Man Winter To Bitchslap Pryor Visit.

2008-01-16T21:29:00.001-05:00

Prepare to freeze, beeotch!

It looks like Terrelle Pryor will be seeing Ann Arbor at it's winter worst: this weekend, the temperature range will be from 8 degrees to 26 degrees, plus there is a good chance it will snow. Nice.

Will winter cockblock the Wolverines from landing Pryor? I don't know. He's from Pennsylvania, and being a native of the Keystone State myself I know it can get pretty nasty during the winter.

Although, Pryor's visit couldn't come at a less aesthetically pleasing time, for a variety of reasons.

1) Michigan Stadium is a shambles right now.
2) All the hotties on campus will be covered head to toe in warm clothes.
3) Schembechler Hall's equipment room may not be up to snuff yet with the new machines.

If Terrelle picks Michigan in the end, I don't think we can chalk it up to Ann Arbor's beauty and charm this time around.

And Just Like That, It Was Over.

2008-01-15T11:24:00.000-05:00

So yeah, thanks for all those catches. Enjoy your millions.

Ryan Mallett to Ar-Kansas?

2008-01-14T22:33:00.001-05:00

Watch me throw this piggie 80 yards! Yeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaw!

It looks like Ryan Mallett will be heading to Ar-Kansas next year. How will Mallett stack up against players from America's toughest conference? Only time will tell.

My prediction? 'Snap! Run run run run run run run...SACK/FUMBLEEEEE!'

Just kidding!

Wait...No I'm not.

And That's The Bottom Line, Because Mike Barwis Said So!

2008-01-14T20:26:00.001-05:00

Barwis 3:16 Says "If you can't handle it, you're TOO FAT!"

To further expand on a great post that Brian put up today, I can't help notice the similarities between Mike Barwis and Stone Cold Steve Austin. First, take a look at Barwis' high-energy no-nonsense approach he takes to the job.

New Michigan Strength Coach Mike Barwis

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Then, take a look at the intensity and charisma displayed by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

While their strategies for building a better body may be different (Baris's highly scientific approach to strength and speed training vs. Austin's "beer bellies give you a lower center of gravity" theory), it is apparant that these two guys have one major thing in common:

They are both intent on seriously kicking some ass!

Oh, this is going to be awesome.

Welcome Scott Shafer, Defensive Accountant!

2008-01-11T22:19:00.001-05:00

Screw the 3-3-5! Put the bastards in the million dollar dream!

Hooray! RichRod has hired a Defensive Coordinator. Welcome, Scott Shafer!

I don't know much about this guy, but as usual, Brian has done the homework.

Here's a list of things I think Scott Shafer looks like:

1) IRS, the villain wrestler from old-school WWF wrestling.
2) A sneaky defense attorney.
3) A slightly balding version of Tom Arnold.
4) Mr. Ernst from the old Nickelodeon TV show 'Hey Dude!'

Ah, already the material presents itself. And for that reason alone, I say "good hire, RichRod!"

What Makes A Michigan Man?

2008-01-10T22:31:00.000-05:00

I will forgo the usual crappy artwork tonight to discuss something that might have been on your mind today.

Were you taken aback when Ryan Mallett called himself a Michigan Man? Personally, I found his claim to be unwarranted.

The term "Michigan Man" has been become somewhat of a cliche this year. "Michigan Man" became the phrase du jour during the Harbaugh scandal, and since then, anyone who's anyone seems to want to bestow the term upon themself.

Sure, while Mallett was here, he showed hints of the success he could have had at Michigan, and made positive contributions to the football team on a number of occasions. One can argue that Mallett, even though enrolled for only one and a half years, was a more prominent "Man in Michigan" than the majority of the students and faculty who have been at Michigan for many years.

So this leads me to ask a more important question: "What exactly is a Michigan Man?"

In my opinion, a Michigan Man is one of two things: a person who has graduated from Michigan, or a distinguished non-graduate who has served the University for a substantial period of time and has been been awarded the title by his peers. Mallett is certainly not the former, and I would be hard-pressed to say he's the latter.

Ryan Mallett is a talented man. A confident man. A tall man. But a Michigan Man? That's pushing it.

Reel Him In! Reel Him In!

2008-01-09T23:37:00.001-05:00

Look at this lunker! Going above the mantle for sure!

Now that Ryan Mallett has decided to transfer, the stage is set for Terrelle Pryor to come to Michigan.

Good luck to Ryan Mallett. The chips didn't fall his way here - but he'll surely be successful wherever he goes.

RichRod, he's all yours now! GO GET THAT BIG BEAUTIFUL QUARTERBACK!

Yes, It Was Just Like That.

2008-01-07T22:43:00.001-05:00

Bow down to the hat!

It's 7 minutes to go in the third and the game is far from over, but I know where this one is going.

Damn you, SEC speed!

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That!

2008-01-07T22:30:00.001-05:00

A man touched it and it moved! What does that mean!?!?

The University of Michigan may be offering the gayest college course ever - literally. English 317 section 2 is titled "How to be Gay." My girlfriend happened to stumble upon this when she was visiting the Perez Hilton site.

I knew Michigan is a liberal place, but wow!

Stork To Eject?

2008-01-03T22:28:00.000-05:00

"Read option bogeys on my six! I can't shake 'em! Oh noooooooooooooooo!"

According to Lloyd, Ryan Mallett has made his decision whether he will leave the Wolverines or stay for his first season under RichRod. Will Stork eject or will he try to use evasive maneuvers to avoid the bench?

My gut says Mallett is gonna reach for the ejector seat handles and punch out. A shame...he has so much potential.

Nice Guys Don't Always Finish Last.

2008-01-01T22:34:00.001-05:00

"Accept the challenge so you can feel the exhilaration of victory."

- George Patton

Well met, Lloyd Carr. Well met, indeed.

Like Waiting For A Spanking.

2008-01-01T11:28:00.000-05:00

I am not ashamed or regretful to admit that I was occasionally spanked as a child. As a matter of fact, I'm glad my Dad did it - it probably knocked a lot of sense into me.

Waiting for this game is a lot like waiting for one of those ass-stinging experiences. Hearing that Michigan had to play Florida was like being sent to my room - I knew something bad was on the way. Then Tebow won the Heisman. That was like hearing Dad come up the steps, and I just mentally prepared myself for the unpleasantless I knew was ahead of me.

Today, I'm going to go to the bar, pull down my pants, and take it like a man. Many of you will, too. At least we're all in this together.

Wheelchair Debate Still Rolling Along.

2007-12-31T17:13:00.000-05:00

Gentlemen! Welcome to my newly accessible Big House lair.

If any of you are wondering if there has been any big updates with the Michigan Stadium renovation/disabled access situation, there have been none. So far, no official word has been announced whether or not UM is in compliance with the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act (although UM fervently claims that it is.)

Recently, UM has proposed the installation of 300 wheelchair accessible spots at each opening in the bowl, with the provision that the spots may be replaced with regular seating on an as-available basis.

The Office for Civil Rights rejected this offer because the seating wasn't permanent.

So much for compromise.

Where does the line between common sense and legislation need to be drawn?

How The Hell Will They Stop Tebow?

2007-12-30T10:08:00.000-05:00

Behold the horror of my spread offense! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

In a little less than two days, the Michigan defense will have to try and stop Tim Tebow, who many would argue is the single greatest offensive weapon in college football today. Good luck with that one, fellas. Here are some Tebow-handling tips I would like to offer the Wolverines before the Capital One Bowl on Tuesday.

Distract him with attractive women.

Most of us have seen the pictures of Tim Tebow with Juggy McFakerson floating around the internets. From this, we can deduce that while Tebow has proven himself nigh invulnerable to blitzing linebackers and defensive tackles, he has shown us a weakness: boobies.

Therefor, the Michigan co-eds should do everything in their power to distract Tebow before and during the game. If we can't beat him on the field, we'll target him where any 19 year old man can be exploited.

Pray for A Miracle.

Let's face it. Unless something quite extraordinary happens, Tebow will tear Michigan's defense to shreds. Go into this game with no expectations and you'll probably get through it without major depression afterwards.

Back!

2007-12-30T09:48:00.001-05:00

Sorry it took so long, but I was really enjoying the time off. Back to work now!

Taking a Holiday Break

2007-12-22T18:21:00.000-05:00

Break time!

I am now in my parents' home outside Philadelphia and will have no access to photoshop (and why else would you visit this site?) until the day after Christmas. I'll be back around then with my usual shtick.

Until then, I hope you have a wonderful and safe holiday.

Sincerely,
The Cowbell Commander

Terrelle Pryor: Man; Myth; Gargoyle?

2007-12-18T21:22:00.000-05:00

Terrelle Pryor is 6'6," 220 pounds, and fast as hell. He can run the ball, throw with a good zip, and singlehandedly disassemble high school defenses. Where will he end up? Will the lure of RichRod attract him to Michigan? Will be be a Buckeye in two months?

One thing is for sure - wherever he ends up, he'll still look like a gargoyle.

A badass, don't take no crap from anybody, "I'm gonna score 28 points on you just by myself" gargoyle.

AWESOME!

Rich Rodrig-YESSSSSSSSSS!

2007-12-16T22:39:00.001-05:00

Dollaz comes through in the end.

Oh Dollaz! I can't believe you pulled this one off. I apologize for all the photoshopping of you I have done in the last two weeks. Maybe you didn't know what you were doing during the search. Maybe this was all dumb luck. But whatever.

I hereby forgive you for stressing me out for the last month and thank you with the utmost gratitude for this awesome early Christmas gift.

Welcome to Michigan, Rich Rod.

Rich Rod? Re-Guess.

2007-12-16T08:42:00.001-05:00

Hey! Let me go! Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!

Well, that certainly would have been awesome. I hope Rich Rod enjoys the raise we just gave him.

The death march to Ron English continues...

Will Bill Martin Steal Christmas?

2007-12-13T21:33:00.000-05:00

His brain is two sizes too small.

The search has been on for twenty-three days
And Michigan fans were all in a haze.
"Where is the coach?" Asked Cindy Lou Blue.
"THERE IS A PROCESS!" Yelled back Mary Sue.

He called up Les Miles. He called up Schiano.
He called a wiggy-wam-wumpy-wee-wanno.
But there was no coach for the old Wolverines
And recruiting was heading right to the latrine.

The wait for a coach took joy out of Chad
And Mike Hart and Jake were gloomily sad
Their last days in blue were all but forgot
Because of some dingy-dumb-douche on a yacht.

Impeccable Sources Point Towards DeBord.

2007-12-12T23:28:00.000-05:00

Say it ain't so! But it IS!

I have it from an impeccably reliable source that Mike DeBord will be new head coach of the Wolverines. This represents a new low in the program's history and possibly that of major college football as well.

Why, Bill Martin? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Photo Credit: Mike DeSimone

Zoolander Not To Be Michigan Coach.

2007-12-09T11:54:00.001-05:00

It's my new look! I call it..."Maize and Blue Steel."

For a while last week, rumors flew around that Sean Payton was being considered for the Michigan coaching job. Those rumors have been put to rest.

"Like, I am totally not going to be the Michigan coach. It's not my fault I'm such a beautiful option, with this perfect bone structure and stylish hairdo. I make too much money in the NFL to leave. And with that money, I'm going to some good in the world. I'm going to open the Sean Payton Institute for Athletic Directors Who Can't Hire Coaches Good."

Good Grief, Bill Martin.

2007-12-09T11:40:00.000-05:00

"I killed it! Augghh! Everything I touch gets ruined!"

So, it's been nearly three weeks and Michigan is nowhere close to getting a top-notch coach. What is going wrong here? Don't people want to take this job? Why can't he close a deal?

Some people defend Bill Martin. I can't say I put myself in that camp, although deep down I believe when this mess is all over, we'll have a very exciting shiny new football coach.

But for now...good grief Bill Martin.

Dollaz's Love Boat.

2007-12-06T20:34:00.001-05:00

I'm raising my mast! Fershizzle!

It is now official. Les Miles has signed his new deal to be the coach of the LSU Tigers until 2012. While Les Miles and his agent were awaiting a signal from Michigan, where was Big Billy Dollaz?

"Yo Yo Yo! I was gettin' my splish-splash on with Kelly, Stacy, and Kiki!" explained Dollaz.

"Chicks dig old rich dudes at yacht clubs, especially if they're wearing a pimp-tacular captain's hat. People think I should have been taking care of business last weekend. But hold up - partay-ing with dime-ass honeys is my business! What would you rather do? Negotiate on the most important decision in Michigan athletics during your tenure, or put suntan lotion on Kiki? I think we already know the answer to that question, dawg."

Autumn Thunder Book Club: If I Don't Six.

2007-12-04T22:16:00.000-05:00

Not Bad.

"97Alumni", an AT reader, turned me on to this book via the comments section of my review for Meat Market. I bought "If I Don't Six" for a penny off Amazon.com, and for a penny, if nothing else, it was an interesting read for a few subway rides.

The author of this book, Elwood Reid, played for Michigan in the 1980's. Apparently disenchanted with the program, in 1998, Reid wrote a fictional (and possibly disguised, exaggerated, transfigured personal) account of a freshman's first year with The Wolverines.

The main character, Elwood Riley, is an interesting mixture of intellectual, brute, and hoodlum. Riley prides himself on reading philosophy and doing excellently in school, and accordingly never quite fits in with most of the Michigan football team, who Reid depicts as meat-headed jocks with names like Napalm and Kong.

After a few weeks in the program, Riley starts to wonder if there is more to life than football. He starts to gravitate towards a small camp of players who realize that they can't quit the team, but long to escape the program's clutches because they believe they fail to see the benefit from the daily grind. From there, Riley starts making bad decisions like getting in fights with teammates, partying before games, acting insolent towards coaches, and stealing from the locker room. It's not long before his freshman year is filled with turmoil and conflict which ultimately ends with a physical confrontation with one of the coaches.

I thought this would be an inside look at the dark side of Michigan's football program. But, that's not what this book turned out to be. While an interesting and entertaining work of fiction, anyone with hopes to see the program's dirty laundry aired will left wanting. While Riley's character does come off many times as an ungrateful, selfish jerk, at his core, he very well may be representative of some of the feelings freshman college football players have towards life and the game.

Should you buy? It's a penny. Give it a shot if you can find one for less than a quarter.

Giant Douche Vs. Turd Sandwich.

2007-12-03T22:36:00.000-05:00

Crappy, even for my standards.

If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, than who is who? Whoever wins, there will be no "Ha Haaaaaaaaaa!" Moment for Michigan fans.

Michigan's Next Head Coach Shall Be Ron English.

2007-12-02T19:24:00.000-05:00

My chin is ITCHY!

This is just an educated guess at what will transpire over the next two weeks, but my gut says that Ron English will be Michigan's next head coach. Here's why:

1) He is the only internal candidate which can be respectably considered for the job. DeBord is just NOT an option.
2) Michigan is cheap. The chance to pick up English on a mediocre salary will be appealing.
3) Michigan loves cronyism. The chance to promote one of their own will be appealing.
4) Lloyd Carr was promoted from DC with no head coaching experience.
5) English has proven himself to be able to recruit like crazy, is a motivator, has fire, and can win with good talent.
6) After being the center of controversy and being publicly burned, Michigan will not offer the job to a coach who will turn the job down. They want a low-risk hire this time around.

Any thoughts?

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

2007-12-01T17:27:00.001-05:00

I am not a crook! CRAP! I mean Michigan coaching candidate!

Okay, what the hell just happened? In a logical world...

1) Man's dream job opens up.
2) Man is said to be top candidate for dream job and will be contacted within a definite time frame for said dream job.
3) Man accepts dream job; can die happy.

But hey, if the 2007 season has taught us anything, it's the unexpected is never impossible.

Screw you, Les Miles. Keep your giant balls and your penalties in Baton Rouge.

Dollaz! Now go get Brian Kelly! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!

PRAISE JEEBUS!

2007-11-28T21:02:00.001-05:00

You're off the island. Please extinguish your torch and go home.

Ah, what a relief. I think it's safe to say we all did a collective "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" this morning upon hearing the news that Kirk Ferentz will not be our new head coach.

Only three days until Les Miles' season is over and the true madness can begin.

Who Do You Love?

2007-11-26T21:16:00.001-05:00

Rarrrrrrr! Me Angry!

If you had to choose either Les Miles or Sam McGuffie in 2008, who would you choose?

A star player can really make a difference to a team, and even carry them through a tough season and lead them to greatness. Look no further than our own Mike Hart to prove how one man can be the special winning ingredient. Texas had Vince Young, Florida has Tebow, and USC had Reggie Bush. Without a doubt, a special athlete can make a program in the short term. No one will argue against the fact that Sam McGuffie is sensational - but if he is a gamebreaking, unstoppable force at the college level remains yet to be seen.

In the long term, a good coach will have the superior impact on a program. Great recruiting, solid coaching, and keeping up excellent relationships with the press keep a great program on a successful trajectory. Jim Tressel, Urban Meyer, and Pete Carrol are all examples of how top-notch coaching can bring a program to the top tier of elite college football teams. The question is - is Miles this kind of coach? He has done a very respectable job at LSU - but much of what he needed for success at his post was installed by his predecessor.

My gut says go with McGuffie. There are lots of good coaching candidates around who would do a fantastic job - but that once-in-a-decade recruit comes around only so often.

Autumn Thunder Booth Review: Baby Wolverine DVD.

2007-11-25T20:12:00.001-05:00

Much better than Barney.

When the fine folks at Team Baby Entertainment (the company behind the MDen Lee Corso appearance) asked me to do a review of their latest and greatest educational video, I was glad to lend a helping hand. Let's face it - getting into college is getting harder by the year. Remember what you had to do when you applied to Michigan? Take the SATs, do well in high school, extracurricular activities - it's no easy feat!

If you want to give your kid a head start on learning letters, numbers, colors, and Michigan sports, the Baby Wolverine DVD is a good way to go. It has educational content like counting and spelling for the kids, and tons of sports clips to make watching tolerable for the parents. Forget the purple dinosaurs and The Wiggles. This video has David Terrell catching long bombs for touchdowns.

Since I have no kids, I can't say how a toddler would react to this. But, I did test it on the dog. It kept Mikey interested for a while, which I'd say is pretty impressive!

Mikey likes it!

The Chase Is On!

2007-11-25T19:54:00.000-05:00

Miles and Ferentz neck and neck in front. English bringing up the rear.

Though it's only been a week since the job is open, but already there has been significant developments on the hiring of Michigan's new football coach. As Brian previously reported, Kirk Ferentz has been offered the gig. Let us pray to Bo that he rejects the offer. Les Miles is still the fan favorite, and Brian Kelly is still a good second/third choice. The possibility of Glen Mason was tossed around in the media, but one can only hope that situation will never be anything more than just speculation. In last place? Most likely Ron English. Talented, but not ready for the gig yet.

The most significant developments are yet to come - Miles still has not coached his final game and Martin will not contact a candidate coach about the job until their season is over.

I can't wait until next Monday when things get REALLY interesting.

Autumn Thunder's "Keep Sam McGuffie" Petition Now Online!

2007-11-22T09:43:00.003-05:00

Do you still love us?

When Sam McGuffie committed to Michigan a few months ago, the Maize and Blue fanbase rejoiced. Oh, how wonderful it would be to see him in that winged helmet! Now it appears that with the coaching change drama so prominently in the news, certain commitments may be wavering. The only thing we, the future Sam McGuffie fans can do is show our appreciation for this awesome Texan.

If you have 15 seconds, please sign the "Keep Sam McGuffie in Maize and Blue" petition. Do you think we can get 10,000 signatures before the new coach is named? I do!

If you have the inclination, email it to your friends! Put it up on some message boards! Let's get that 10,000! No other fanbase will appreciate him like we will - let's show it.

If he sees the love we have for him and knows of his opportunity on the depth chart, hopefully he'll be a Wolverine in February.

The Ultimate Tiger Trap?

2007-11-20T20:15:00.000-05:00

In his farewell press conference, Lloyd claimed that the only reason for this being the time for his resignation was out of concern for future of the Michigan football program. Not to accuse Coach Carr of being malevolent towards Les Miles, but allow me to play devil's advocate for a minute and let us explore other possible reasons for Lloyd picking this as the time to retire:

1) Lloyd's departure sets the LSU athletic department to Defcon Five. In order to keep Miles around LSU, Skip Bertman, the LSU AD, offers Miles a very substantial raise. If Miles refuses the raise and accepts an offer from Michigan, he is giving up the possibility of being one of the highest-paid coaches in NCAA football. If he takes the raise and stays at LSU, people may say his love for Bo and ties to Michigan weren't as strong as initially thought - a major slap in his face. Truly a lose-lose situation for Miles.

2) Michigan offers Miles the job before the SEC Championship or even the BCS Championship (should the Tigers make it.) If Miles is not allowed to coach LSU after accepting a Michigan offer (not unheard of in college athletic politics, as Bo Schembechler has shown us in the past with Bill Frieder) he must choose between coaching players he loves for a major trophy (who knows when the next time he'll coach for a championship will be?) and what many people say is his dream job. Another possible lose-lose situation.

Lloyd Carr has always been a man of the highest moral standard. However, one can't quite ignore the possibilities that any personal disapproval with Miles' candidacy for the job might have factored into the way he retired.

What do you guys think?

Swansong.

2007-11-19T22:10:00.001-05:00

Dear Mike,

It's hard to believe it's all over now. I remember the first time I saw you during my senior year at Michigan and thinking, 'Wow, I bet this kid's gonna be pretty great someday.' Fast forward four years later to the point where I own #20 home and away jerseys, devote a significant portion of my workday sneaking around the internet reading about you, and naming my first dog after you. I guess 'pretty great' was a pretty big understatement.

By now you've probably seen my blog and may have been a little creeped out. But please, before you go, allow me to explain.

Sure, the stuff you may have seen here might seem a little off-the-wall and nothing more than the cheesy fabrications of a guy with a serious mancrush. That might be true - but in all seriousness, you are a real inspiration to me.

You give hope to everyone who has the odds pitted against them. You aren't big. You aren't fast. You don't have superhuman strength. But damn were you successful - moreso than anyone else who did what you do in over 100 years of the greatest football tradition on Earth. People with God-given abilities far beyond your measure didn't even come close to what you accomplished during your time at Michigan. An unyielding desire to win and a don't-take-no-for-an-answer attitude carried you higher and farther than the strongest, fastest, most elusive legs ever could.

You had a lot of great plays on the field while you were here - too many to list. But you know the ones I will remember most? Not the thirty-yard runs after breaking a tackle. Not the runs where you fiercely stiff armed a linebacker in the face and never looked back after you ran on.

The plays I will remember most are the two or three yard runs where you tried hard, but didn't get it. The ones where you would always pop back up, shake yourself off, and bounce back to the line ready for your next try.

It makes me think that if I really set my sights on something and never give up, I can be something really special too.

Thanks for everything.

Most Sincerely,

C.C.

Autumn's Twilight.

2007-11-19T21:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Lloyd,

What can I say to you that hasn't been said already? Thanks for everything you've given us and for thirteen years of class, honor, and dignity. May you have a peaceful, happy, and productive retirement. You deserve it.